Popular jokes (32956 to 32970)

Marina Franklin: Music Too Loud

I had this happen for the first time ever. I had a white girl come to my door and complain about my music being too loud. And I got pissed off. I was like, This is a black neighborhood. Thats what the f**k we do. We play our black music loud. You dont like it, get out. It was messed up -- cause I was playing Simon and Garfunkel.

Just Like Mama Used To Make

Why did the Italian boy want to grow a mustache?

So he could look like his mama.

Forward me!!

Anyone coming?

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding on the range one day.

The two came to a stop, where Tonto jumped off his horse and put his head on the ground to listen to see if anyone was coming.

After a few seconds he rose and said, "Buffalo come."

The Lone Ranger was amazed and proclaimed "Damn you Indians are smart, how the hell did you know there were buffaloes coming?"

Tonto replied, "Face sticky."

Submitted by calamjo

Edited by Tantilazing

Memorable Thoughts

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. –George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea … Visit people only once a year. –Victor Borge

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir .. mighty scarce. –Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. –Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. –Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. –Jimmy Durante

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. –Jilly Cooper

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. — Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. –Alex Levine

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. –Mark Twain

Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. –Spike Milligan

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. –Henny Youngman

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was ‘shut up.' –Joe Namath

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. –Herbert Henry Asquith

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. –Bob Hope

A woman drove me to drink … and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her. –W.C. Fields

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. –George Burns

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good … spit it out. –Unknown

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. –Billy Crystal

Tough choice

A wife asks her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"

He looks at her from head to toe and replied: “I like your sense of humor!”

Blonde Girlfriend

Q: Whats the advantage of having a blonde as a girlfriend? A: You get to park in handicapped zones.

Transatlantic zeppelins Transatlantic zeppelins crashed so often they became known as dredgeables.

#joke #short

An Antartian died and went to ...

An Antartian died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer three questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T".
2. How many seconds are in a year?
3. What is God's first name?

The Antartian thought for a few minutes and answered...

1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.
3. God has two first names, and they are Andy and Howard."

Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I expected, so your answer is correct.
But how did you get 12 seconds in a year, and why did you ever think that God's first name was either Andy or Howard?"

The Antartian replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd,March 2nd, etc...."
"OK, I give," said Saint Peter, "but what about the God's first name stuff?"
The Antartian said, "Well, from the song....Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own..., and the prayer...Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name...."
Saint Peter let him in without another word.

Two men, an American and an Au...

Two men, an American and an Australian, met in a bar and began a conversation.

An executive was interviewing ...

An executive was interviewing a young woman for a position in his company. He wanted to learn something about her personality, so he asked, "if you could have a conversation with anyone, living or dead, who would it be?"

She quickly responded, "The living one."

No Joke – Making The Grade –

In high school, two boys, two friends (one Spanish and one American), were talking about the grades they received in their classes.
American boy: 'You got an F in Spanish! How could that happen? Spanish is what you speak at home and stuff.'
Spanish boy: 'Probably the same way you got an F in English.'

You Don't Need to Be a Weather...

You Don't Need to Be a Weatherman...
It was two o'clock in the morning and a husband and wife were asleep, when suddenly the phone rang.
The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? ... How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" -- and promptly slammed the phone down.
His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?"
The husband replies, I don’t know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear.

Diplomacy is the art of lettin...

Diplomacy is the art of letting someone have your way.

“I knew a woman who o...

“I knew a woman who owned a taser, man was she stunning!”