Popular jokes (9286 to 9300)

Chopping more than wood....

A lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out---caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two guys show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for them, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some firewood. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house.

Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up, and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all. The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself.

She happens to look out the window and sees one of the guys doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air. She calls the other guy over and says, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"

"Well...," he responds, "I dunno...let me ask him... HEY WILLIE...FOR $50 WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"

Question and answer jokes

Q: How can you tell a lawyer is lying?

A: Other lawyers look interested.

Q: Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach resort?

A: Because they’re used to doing all of their lying indoors.

Q: What happened to the banker who went to law school?

A: Now she’s a loan shark.

Q: Where do vampires learn to suck blood?

A: Law school.

Q: How do you define double jeopardy?

A: When a lawyer calls in her partner.

Q: What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer?

A: All the information you need, but you can’t understand a word of it.

Q: What's worse than pleading guilty to murder?

A: Getting jail time and getting robbed--hiring an attorney to defend you.

Q: What do honest lawyers and UFOs have in common?

A: You always hear about them, but you never see them.

Little Red Riding Hood was wal

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods on her way to visit
her grandmother, when suddenly The Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a
tree.
"Ah-ha...," The Big Bad Wolf said, "Now I've got you and I'm going to
eat you! EAT! EAT! EAT!"
Little Red Riding Hood said angrily, "Damn it, doesn't anybody f*ck anymore?"

Kevin Hart: When You Lost a Fight to Your Woman

One time, she got me so mad, we got into a fist fight. You know how you know when you lost a fight to your woman? When the cops come to your house and ask you do you want to press charges. That's how you know it didn't go as you planned.

Error Messages In Japan – Continued

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
So beautifully.
-----------------------------
With searching comes loss
And the presence of absence:
'My Novel' not found.
-----------------------------
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao-until
You bring fresh toner.
-----------------------------
Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.
-----------------------------
A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.
----------------------------
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
----------------------------
You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
----------------------------
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
----------------------------
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

*Editors Note
Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness.
....... And then what do you have? Bupkes.

A blonde walks into a shoe sto

A blonde walks into a shoe store and tries on a pair of shoes. "How do they feel?" asks the salesclerk. "Well, they feel a bit tight," replies the blonde. The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the blonde’s feet. "Try pulling the tongue out," offers the clerk. “Nath, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth,” the blonde replies.

The traveling evangelist ...

A traveling evangelist always put on a grand finale at his revival meetings, When he was to preach at a church, he would secretly hire a small boy to sit in the ceiling rafters with a dove in a cage. Toward the end of his sermon, the preacher would shout for the Holy Spirit to come down, and the boy in the rafters would dutifully release the dove.

At one revival meeting, however, nothing happened when the preacher called for the Holy Spirit to desend. He again raised his arms and exclaimed: "Come down, Holy Spirit!"

Still no sign of the dove.

The preacher then heard the anxious voice of a small boy call down from the rafters:

"Sir, a big black cat just ate the Holy Spirit. Shall I throw down the cat?"

Question And Answer Jokes

Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in wet cement?
A: Not enough cement.
Q: Did you hear they just released a new Barbie doll called "Divorced Barbie"?
A: Yeah, it comes with half of Ken's things and alimony.
Q: What's the problem with lawyer jokes?
A: Lawyer's don't think they're funny, and no one else thinks they're jokes.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: In the cemetery.
Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: At the city morgue.
Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a Mercedes Benz full of lawyers?
A: The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

Lost in the supermarket...

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?"

"Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."

1. If you are choking on an ic

1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto!
2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink..
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer..
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button .
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives.
7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Yo Mama So Ugly

yo mama so eglu even canbales are afard of her.

You Know You're a Redneck If . . .

You know you are a redneck if you get written up on the

paper for a D.U.I. (driving under the influence of alcohol)

and your family buys extra copies.

 Daddy Is Going To War

The following is supposedly a true story relating a situation that actually occurred during the war.
During the Persian Gulf War, I was assigned to go to Saudi Arabia. As I was saying good-bye to my family, my three-year-old son, Christopher, was holding on to my leg and pleading with me not to leave. "No, Daddy, please don't go!" he kept repeating.
We were beginning to make a scene when my wife, desperate to calm him, said, "Let Daddy go and I'll take you to get a pizza."
Immediately, Christopher loosened his death grip, stepped back and in a calm voice said, "'Bye, Daddy."

One day my friend as...

“One day my friend asked me, how do you take such good care of your saxophone. I responded with tenor, love and care.”

Bob Peters

A man was looking all over town to find a friend of his. He walked down the street and came to a barber shop. He stuck his head inside and asked, "Bob Peters here?"

The barber replied, "Nah, we just do shaves and haircuts."