Popular jokes (10051 to 10065)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Wildebeest farts are a
Wildebeest farts are a gnu's scents.A man walks into a pharmacy an
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's so much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ... so does she."
Three guys are convicted of a
Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they're all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement. They're each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them.The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes.
At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy's cell. He comes out and says, "I studied so hard. I'm so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific."
They open up the second guy's door. He comes out with his wife, and they've got five kids. He says, "It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiful family. I love it."
They open up the third guy's door, and he's slapping at his pockets, going, "Anybody got a match?"
Did Jesus ever get a haircut?...
Did Jesus ever get a haircut?Christopher Titus: Post-Weiner Politics
Im thinking of a presidential bid; currently indexing and cross-referencing everyone Ive tweeted my junk to. 8x10s available.“A carburetor special
“A carburetor specialist had manifold advantages to better his career!”
Passing Gas
An elderly couple was attending church services when about halfway through she leans over and says to him, "I just had a silent passing of gas, what do you think I should do?"He leans over to her and replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid..."
Song Of The Elements
There's antimony, arsenic, aluminum, selenium,
And hydrogen and oxygen and nitrogen and rhenium
And nickel, neodymium, neptunium, germanium,
And iron, americium, ruthenium, uranium,
Europium, zirconium, lutetium, vanadium
And lanthanum and osmium and astatine and radium
And gold, protactinium and indium and gallium (inhale)
And iodine and thorium and thulium and thallium.
There's yttrium, ytterbium, actinium, rubidium
And boron, gadolinium, niobium, iridium
And strontium and silicon and silver and samarium,
And bismuth, bromine, lithium, beryllium and barium.
There's holmium and helium and hafnium and erbium
And phosphorous and francium and fluorine and terbium
And manganese and mercury, molybdinum, magnesium,
Dysprosium and scandium and cerium and cesium
And lead, praseodymium, platinum, plutonium,
Paladium, promethium, potassium, polonium,
Tantalum, technetium, titanium, tellurium, (inhale)
And cadmium and calcium and chromium and curium.
There's sulfur, californium and fermium, berkelium
And also mendelevium, einsteinium and nobelium
And argon, krypton, neon, radon, xenon, zinc and rhodium
And chlorine, cobalt, carbon, copper,
Tungsten, tin and sodium.
- Tom Lehrer
How many roundhouse kicks does...
How many roundhouse kicks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? Just one. From Chuck Norris.Encyclopedias for Sale
Q: Why did the married man sell his complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica?
A: He didn't need them any longer -- his damn wife knows everything.
Thanks A Lot
I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your stinking chain letters over the past years. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Because of your concern……..I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains and it eats the paint off of cars.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put “Under God” on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
I no longer use cancer causing deodorants even though I smell like a wet dog on a hot day.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaida in disguise.
I no longer eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer have any sneakers — but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer use my cell phone because I could spontaneously combust at a gas station while refueling my car.
Yes, I want to thank all of you soooooooo much for looking out for me! I will now return the favor.
If you DON'T send this e-mail to at least 5,000 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird will poop on your head at 5:00 PM tomorrow afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a friend of a friend of a…etc…
(Editor's Note: This last statement is sarcasm — not to be taken seriously. In other words, please don't send an e-mail to 5,000 people and claim JokeDiary.com told you to do it….Thanks!)
Why Karaoke is better than sex...
- With Karaoke, you're always sure you can find someone worse than you are.- You don't feel obligated to buy someone dinner for singing Karaoke with you.
- When you sing Karaoke, it's OK to have multiple partners.
- It's OK to sing Karaoke with your sister.
- With Karaoke, you never have to be sorry about forgetting your lines.
- It's OK to drink too much and sing Karaoke.
- With Karaoke, no one will complain about the size of your microphone.
- It's OK to sing Karaoke in front of your neighbors.
- You'll never feel uncomfortable knowing your parents still sing Karaoke.
- No one complains about a 3-minute Karaoke performance.
Soap and water...
A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners, whom he knew was an unkempt housekeeper. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.
"Were these dishes EVER washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.
"She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them."
He felt quite apprehensive, but not wanting to offend, blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious, and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.
When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here, Soap! Here, Water!"
