Animal jokes (3721 to 3735)Jokes about animals. These are the jokes listed 3721 to 3735. |
Really funny jokes-Witches
1) One of the witch's coven gave birth to twins. The problem arose when the other witches could not tell which witch was witch.
2) Member Edna was a dog trainer by day, then by night she went from wags to witches.
3) When the coven travelled to an out-of-town gathering, Martha could not make it, she was a poor traveller and phoned in broom sick.
4) Celia tried to fly to the coven meeting, but her broomstick broke, no worries, she witch-hiked with Sheila.
5) The other 12 witches asked Gladys why she put her broomstick in the washing machine. Gladys replied that she wanted a clean sweep.
6) Ivana kept on climbing up walls so now the other members of the coven call her 'Ivy'.
7) One day Astrid dropped off at the astrologer's, she wanted to know her horror-scope.
8) Leslie could not distinguish between Tiny Tina and a stag the coven were chasing. Betty said, 'It's easy, one is a haunted stag, the other is a stunted hag'.
9) Celia asked Edna why she carried a pencil sharpener. 'It's to keep my hat pointed', came the reply.
10) When Gladys went to the zoo she bought two tickets. Leslie asked 'Why?'. 'One to get, and one to get out replied Gladys'.
11) Astrid asked Ivy where she bought her garden furniture. 'At the Ideal Gnome' exhibition', came the reply.
12) When ever the coven have a brew up, they always drink their tea from a flying saucer.
13) What happened when the coven's darts team lost all their matches? They had a spell in the second division.
Cold Water
John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia.
After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car".
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted ... "COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!"
Ladies and gentlemen, hobos an...
Ladies and gentlemen, hobos and tramps,Bug-eyed mosquitoes and bowlegged ants!
I'm about to tell you a story I've never heard before,
So pull up a chair and sit on the floor.
Admission is free, so pay at the door.
One fine day, in the middle of the night,
two, dead boys got up to fight.
Back to back, they faced each other,
drew their swords and shot each other.
A deaf policeman heard the noise,
and saved the lives of the two dead boys.
If you don't believe my lies are true,
ask the blind man, he saw it too!
A policeman brought four boys ...
A policeman brought four boys before a judge."They were causing an awful lot of commotion at the zoo, your Honor," he said.
"Boys," said the judge sternly, "I never like to hear reports of juvenile delinquency.
Now I want each of you to tell me your name and what you were doing wrong."
"My name is George," said the first boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
"My name is Pete," said the second boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
"My name is Mike," said the third boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
"My name is Peanuts," said the fourth boy.
Really funny jokes-More things to do in a library
1. Every time the person next to you turns the page, make a strange sound, or a beep.
2. Announce the page number each time you turn a page.
3. Constantly shift in your seat, and if the person next to you asked what is wrong, reply by saying, "I'm constipated. Hehe."
4. Spell every single word as you read it.
5. Chew gum with your mouth open, and smack your lips while reading.
6. Act like you're picking your nose. And eating it.
7. Snort loudly, and gargle with your spit.
8. Sneeze a lot.
9. Hold your book right next to your eyes.
10. Every few minutes, get up out of your chair, walk around the table, and sit back down.
11. Stand up, and continue reading.
12. Make a strange sound every few minutes, then act like you didn't do it.
13. Bring a bag of cat food, and start snacking on it.
14. Bring a box of crunchy cereal, a bowl, and a spoon. Then dig in messily, and crunch on it.
15. Ask them, got milk??
16. Read out loud attempting to pronounce easy words. Butcher them badly. But be able to pronounce hard words.
17. Fall out of your seat, then say, meant to do that.?Then do it again. And again.
18. Bring a laptop, and turn up the sound, and play a very noisy game.
19. Wear too many sweaters, and complain how hot it is.
20. Bring one of those fans with a squirt bottle attached, and make it look like you're attempting to squirt yourself, but hit them instead.
So one day, Gramma sent her gr...
So one day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma's kitchen."Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Gramma asked him. "I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"
"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"
"Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"
Depressed in bar
A guy walks into a bar, looking all depressed. He goes to the bar and orders a drink.The bartender brings it to him and asks "Do you want to talk about something? You look kinda down in the dumps".
The guy says "Well, I've suspected that my wife has been cheating on me for months, so today I took the day off work to follow her. Well, when I came home, I caught her with my best friend!"
"Wow, that must have been hard!" the bartender says "What exactly do you say to your friend in a situation like that?"
The guy at the bar replies "Well, I looked him straight in the eye, and I yelled BAD DOG!"
Really funny jokes-Sound of wasps
Looking in the window, an album catches his eye: "The Sounds of Wasps from Around the World". He enters the store and asks the salesgirl if he can listen to the album.
"Sure...just go into the booth and put on the headphones," replies the shop assistant.
He does this and listens to ten minutes of buzzing noises until he can take no more.....he leaves the booth and says to the salesgirl, "I'm an expert on wasps and I have to say that I didn't recognize any of those noises".
"Oh, I'm so sorry," answers the assistant, "I was playing you the B side."
[ BEE.....]
Adult jokes-Mating style
Bernie and Ted were walking down the street when they saw two street dogs mating in the park. Bernie said, "That's just great. I do it like that with my wife every night."Ted said, "My wife is unadventurous, she only likes to do it the old fashioned way. Give me advice how you get your wife to do this, I would also like to try it with my wife."
Bernie replied, "Give your wife two pegs of whiskey and she will be all ready."
The next morning they met for their morning jog and Bernie asked, "How did it go?"
Ted answered, "It was great, but it took my wife eight drinks."
Bernie asked with surprise, "Eight drinks?"
Ted replied with a sigh, "Yes. After two she was more than willing to screw that way, but it took six more to get her out on the front lawn!"
Mr. Marlow was strolling...
Mr. Marlow was strolling through the country when he saw a stable with the most beautiful horse he ever laid eyes on. It was seventeen hands high and white, with rippling muscles and a fine, flowing mane. Mr. Marlow struck a deal to buy it from the owner who did, however, pass on one key piece of information."We are a religious family, Mr.Marlow, and we've instilled those values in our horse. To get him to gallop you must say 'Thanks God' to get him to stop you must say 'Our Father Who Art in Heaven," Settling into the saddle, Marlow said " Thanks God," and the animal took off. They rode for miles; suddenly they were coming up to a cliff. Unfortunately, Marlow couldn't remember the phrase to make the animal stop and tried every Biblical passage he could think of until, just a few feet from the edge of the cliff, he shouted, " Our Father Who Art in Heaven! The animal stopped instantly. Shaking and perspiring, Marlow reached into his pocket and pulled out a handkerchief. "Thanks God," he said as he mopped his brow...
Horse country
A man took a trip out West after a harrowing divorce proceeding.He stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks, stated to no one in particular, "Lawyers are horses' asses."
One of the locals spoke up on hearing this said, "Mister, you'd better watch what you say. You're in horse country."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Worms
Little Johnny watched the science teacher start the experiment with the worms. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol - dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.
Third worm in sperm - dead.
Fourth worm in soil - alive.
So the Science teacher asked the class - "What can you learn from this experiment."
Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said - "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."
Beans
One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck, and her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other. He tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans. Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing.
The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes. The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Little Johnny's mother and said, "Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?"
Jane replied, "Nothing new, why do you ask?" "Well," said Mary, "this morning I bent over to feed the cat , and shot the canary."
