Animal jokes (3736 to 3750)Jokes about animals. These are the jokes listed 3736 to 3750. |
Whale
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" 
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
A man went to visit a friend a...
A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen.""Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."
Memorable Thoughts
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. –George BurnsSanta Claus has the right idea … Visit people only once a year. –Victor Borge
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir .. mighty scarce. –Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. –Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. –Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. –Jimmy Durante
The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. –Jilly Cooper
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. — Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. –Alex Levine
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. –Mark Twain
Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. –Spike Milligan
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. –Henny Youngman
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was ‘shut up.' –Joe Namath
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. –Herbert Henry Asquith
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. –Bob Hope
A woman drove me to drink … and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her. –W.C. Fields
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. –George Burns
The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good … spit it out. –Unknown
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. –Billy Crystal
A bowl of soup...
Randy, was on a hunting trip up in West Virginia. He became rather cold and thirsty so decided to stop in at his Mother in law's place and ask for something to drink.
When he got there, she said, "You look really cold, how about a bowl of soup."
There was a wee Vietnamese pig running around the kitchen, running up to Randy and giving him a great deal of attention. Randy commented, "That pig sure is friendly."
Bill, his father in law replied, "Arnold's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using."
Jesus is watching
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his torch around looking for valuables.When he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying,
'Jesus is watching you.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a little while, he shook his head, promised himself a holiday after the next score, and then clicked his light back on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell, he heard,
'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his torch came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep,' the parrot confessed, and then squawked, 'I'm trying to warn you.'
The burglar relaxed.
'Warn me, eh? Who are you?'
'Moses,' replied the parrot.
`Moses?' The burglar laughed. 'What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?'
The parrot replied, 'Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
Really funny jokes-Pilots and engineers
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.
Pilots: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
Pilots: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
Pilots: Something loose in cockpit.
Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit.
Pilots: Dead bugs on windshield.
Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.
Pilots: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Pilots: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Engineers: Evidence removed.
Pilots: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Engineers: That's what they're for.
Pilots: Suspected crack in windshield.
Engineers: Suspect you're right.
Pilots: Number 3 engine missing.
Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
Pilots: Aircraft handles funny.
Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
Pilots: Target radar hums
Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
Pilots: Mouse in cockpit.
Engineers: Cat installed.
And perhaps, the best one for last...
Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
Engineers: Took hammer away from midget.
Roar....
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, "ROAR," step, step, "ROAR," all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.
The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."
Really funny jokes-Buying Turkey
She said to the butcher, "Thank God I made it in time! Do you have any chicken?"
The butcher opened his refrigerator and took out his only chicken, and plops it onto the scale. It weighs three and a half pounds.
"Don't you have anything bigger?" Alice asks.
The butcher returns the chicken to the fridge, takes it out again, and plops it onto the scale, only this time, he keeps his thumb on the chicken. The scale shows four and a half pounds.
"Great!" says Alice. "I'll have both of them please."
A mother mouse and a baby mous...
A mother mouse and a baby mouse were walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacked them. The mother mouse goes, "BARK!" and the cat runs away."See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"
A mother mouse and a baby mous...
A mother mouse and a baby mouse were walking along when all of a sudden a cat attacked them.The mother mouse goes, "BARK!" and the cat runs away.
"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"
