Animal jokes (4036 to 4050)Jokes about animals. These are the jokes listed 4036 to 4050. |
Mr. Johnson walked anxiously t...
Mr. Johnson walked anxiously to the house and knocked.When a nice old lady answered, he said sadly, Im sorry, madam, but I have some bad news. Im afraid I have run over your cat. I I would like to replace it.
The little lady looked him up and down and said, Im game, but how good are you at catching mice?
So there's this man with ...
So there's this man with a parrot. And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.
The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
So there's this man with a par...
So there's this man with a parrot.. and his parrot swears like a sailor -- I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad, and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it!" and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird, and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
Knock Knock Collection 130
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Mira!
Mira who?
Miracle on 34th Street!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Mischa!
Mischa who?
Mischa a lot!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Missouri!
Missouri who?
Missouri loves compnay!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Mitzi!
Mitzi who?
Mitzi door shut, you'll never know!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Monkey!
Monkey who?
Monkey won't fit that's why I knocked!
After every flight, pilots fil...
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, whichconveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during
the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct
the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form
what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets
before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humor!
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as
submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
engineers.
(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
Undocumented Windows Errors
*WinErr: 001 Windows loaded – System in danger*WinErr: 002 No Error – Yet
*WinErr: 003 Dynamic linking error – Your mistake is now in every file
*WinErr: 004 Erroneous error – Nothing is wrong
*WinErr: 005 Multitasking attempted – System confused
*WinErr: 006 Malicious error – Disk view found on drive
*WinErr: 007 System price error – Inadequate money spent on hardware
*WinErr: 008 Broken window – Watch out for glass fragments
*WinErr: 009 Horrible bug encountered – No one knows what has happened
*WinErr: 00A Promotional literature overflow – Mailbox full
*WinErr: 00B Inadequate disk space – Free at least 500MB
*WinErr: 00C Memory hog error – More Ram needed. More! More! More!
*WinErr: 00D Window closed – Do not look outside
*WinErr: 00E Window open – Do not look inside
*WinErr: 00F Unexplained error – Please tell us how this happened
*WinErr: 010 Reserved for future mistakes by our developers
*WinErr: 011 Window open – Do not look outside
*WinErr: 012 Window closed – Do not look inside
*WinErr: 013 Unexpected error – Huh ?
*WinErr: 014 Keyboard locked – Try anything you can think of.
*WinErr: 018 Unrecoverable error – System has been destroyed.
Buy a new one. Old windows licence is not valid anymore.
*WinErr: 019 User error – Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!
*WinErr: 01A Operating system overwritten – Please reinstall all your software. We are terribly sorry.
*WinErr: 01B Illegal error – You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will get a penalty for that
*WinErr: 01C Uncertainty error – Uncertainty may be inadequate.
*WinErr: 01D System crash – We are unable to figure out our own code.
*WinErr: 01E Timing error – Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.
*WinErr: 01F Reserved for future mistakes of our developers
*WinErr: 020 Error recording error codes – Remaining errors will be lost.
*WinErr: 042 Virus error – A virus has been activated in a dos- box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and the virus will be activated again.
*WinErr: 079 Mouse not found – A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.
*WinErr: 103 Error buffer overflow – Too many errors encountered. Next errors will not be displayed or recorded.
*WinErr: 678 This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
*WinErr: 683 Time out error – Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure
*WinErr: 815 Insufficient Memory – Only 580,312,583 Bytes available
Funny jokes-Face to face
BERT: No, what happened? FRED: Well, I stood there, without a gun . . . The gorilla looked at me and snarled and roared and beat his chest. Then it came closer and closer . . .
BERT: What did you do?
FRED: Oh, I'd had enough, so I moved on to the next cage.
Jack & Leroy
Jack and Leroy were talking one day in the company lunch room. Leroy confessed that he had recently been having trouble with his woman. Leroy said they just didn't have that "spark" anymore, and sex was practically non existent. He asked Jack, who was his best friend, if Jack and his wife ever seemed to have that problem. Jack said, "Leory, my friend, whenever my wife and I get into a slump, I find that it's romance, man, romance. Candy, flowers and poetry that does the trick."Leroy said "Romance, that romance shit don't work for black folks and poetry?!?? Man, I can't be saying off no poetry, that shit is for faggots."
Jack disagreed and stressed how romance spiced up his sex life with his wife. Leroy said " OK, bro, I'll give it try. What should I do?"
Jack said, "You go to the flower shop, pick up some beautiful flowers. Stop and get a big box of chocolates, and then, when you walk through the door, you make up a poem You need to say something about their how beautiful they are, and explain to them the way you want to make love to them."
Leroy says "Give me an example."
Jack thinks a moment and says, "Well, here's one that worked really well for me: "Beautiful blond hair, eyes like a dove Come here my darling, let's make sweet love."
Leroy says "OK, that sounds easy, I'll give it a try."
The next day, as Jack walks into the company lunch room, he sees Leroy. Leroy's head is swollen and covered with bruises. Jack rushes over and says "What happened to you?"
Leroy replies "I tried your fucking romance bullshit, that's what happened!" "What did you do? "Took your advice, went, got some flowers, stopped and got some candy, walked in the door and recited some poetry."
"And it didn't work?"
"Hell, no it didn't work... look at me. She beat the shit outta me."
Jack says "I just don't understand...Let's hear your poem."
Leroy replies: "Nappy hair, nappy hair eyes like a frog Bend over, bitch, I wanna fuck you like a dog."
Knock Knock Collection 150
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Pyjamas!
Pyjamas who?
Pyjamas around me and hold me tight!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Quacker!
Quacker who?
Quacker another bad joke and I'm leaving!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Quebec!
Quebec who?
Quebec to the end of the line!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Quiet Tina!
Quiet Tina who?
Quiet Tina courtroom - monkey wants to speak!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Rabbit!
Rabbit who?
Rabbit up carefully, it's a present!
There was a man driving a pick...
There was a man driving a pickup truck down a country road, when suddenly he was broad sided by a trailer truck. Some time went by, and the case got to court. The defense attorney said to the plaintiff, "How can you be suing my client now when you told a trooper after the accident that you felt fine?"The man replied, "Well sir, it was like this. We was drivin' down the road, mindin' our own business, when a big trailer truck came out of nowhere and creamed us. When I came to, I was in the ditch, and a trooper was pullin' up with his car. He looked at the hogs, and they was 'most dead, so he shot 'em. Then he looked at my dog, and he was hurt real bad, so he shot him. Then he came over to me and he said, 'How you feeling?'" "I said, I never felt better in my life."
There was a man driving a pick...
There was a man driving a pickup truck down a country road when suddenly he was broad sided by a trailer truck.Some time went by, and the case got to court.
The defense attorney said to the plaintiff, "How can you be suing my client now when you told a trooper after the accident that you felt fine?"
The man replied, "Well sir, it was like this. We was drivin' down the road, mindin' our own business, when a big trailer truck came out of nowhere and creamed us. When I came to, I was in the ditch, and a trooper was pullin' up with his car. He looked at the hogs, and they was 'most dead, so he shot 'em. Then he looked at my dog, and he was hurt real bad, so he shot him. Then he came over to me and he said, 'How you feeling?'" "I said, I never felt better in my life."
Funny jokes-Mongoose in a box
"A mongoose."
"What for?"
"Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I'm scared to death of snakes. That's why I got this mongoose, for protection."
"But," the friend said, "you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes."
"That's okay," said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, "So is the mongoose."
A Cowboy Rides Into Town
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When he finished, he found his horse had been stolen.He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. “Who stole my horse?” he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
“I'm gonna have another beer and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I'm finished, I'm gonna do what I dun back in Texas and I don't want to have to do what I dun back in Texas!”
Some of the locals shifted restlessly.
He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, what happened in Texas?”
The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home!”
Deep Thoughts 08
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
I remember that one fateful day when Coach too me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.
As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but a human head!
Better not take a dog on the Space Shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home, his face might burn up.
