Animal jokes (4051 to 4065)

Blonde Horse Sense

A blonde buys two horses and she can't tell them apart. So she asks the farmer next door what to do. He says to cut one of their tails off. So she does. But then the other horse's tail gets caught in a bush and rips off. So she can't tell them apart again.

She asks the farmer for advice a second time. He tells her to cut one of the horses ears. So she does. But then the other horse gets its ear ripped in a barbed wire fence.

She is still confused. She asks the farmer what to do. He tells her to measure them.

She comes back and says, "The white horse is 2 inches taller than the black horse!"

Look at that bunch of cows! #joke #humor

City Lady: Look at that bunch of cows.
Cowboy: No, herd.
City Lady: Heard of what?
Cowboy: Herd of cows.
City Lady: Sure, I've heard of cows!
Cowboy: No, a cow herd.
City Lady: What do I care what a cow heard? I've got no secrets from a cow!

Good jokes-Reluctant father

Fun To Do In Elevators

Fun Things to Do in an Elevator

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
   
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
   
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!"
   
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
   
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
   
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
   
7. Shave.
   
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
   
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
   
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
    
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
    
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
    
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
    
14. One word: Flatulence!
    
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
    
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
    
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
    
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, motion sickness!"
    
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
    
20. Meow occassionally.
    
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
    
22. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
    
23. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
    
24. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
    
25. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
    
26. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
    
27. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
    
28. Leave a box between the doors.
    
29. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
    
30. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
    
31. Start a sing-along.
    
32. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
    
33. Play the harmonica.
    
34. Shadow box.
    
35. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
    
36. Lean against the button panel.
    
37. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
    
38. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
    
39. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
    
40. Bring a chair along.
    
41. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
    
42. Blow spit bubbles.
    
43. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
    
44. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
    
45. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
    
46. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
    
47. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
    
48. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
    
49. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
    

Filming on location for Walker...

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

While sports fishing off the F...

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?"


"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"


Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.


About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"


"We didn't do nothing,'" the beachcomber said.


"Wow," said the tourist.


The beachcomber added, "The sharks got 'em."

You got me!

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall, "$500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!"

When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant tail on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!

The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, "You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"

While Mark was shopping for pe...

While Mark was shopping for pet supplies, one of the salespeople came running up to him.

“Mark! Mark! I just saw someone driving off with your BMW!”

“Dear God! Did you try to stop him?”

“No,” said the clerk, “but don’t worry. I got the license plate number!”

Are Blind Pilots Flying?

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.
The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.
At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"

Really funny jokes-Northern and Southern zoo

50 Things To Do

50 WAYS TO CONFUSE, WORRY, OR JUST SCARE PEOPLE IN THE COMPUTER LAB

1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.

2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the damn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.

4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.

5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different screen than the one it's set up with.

6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.

7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.

8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.

9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.

10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.

11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.

12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.

13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.

14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.

15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."

16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.

17. "DISK FIGHT!!!"

18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).

19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.

20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.

21. Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.

22. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 31/2 disk drive. When it doesn't work, get the supervisor.

23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is.

24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.

25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.

26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you, grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.

27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.

28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.

29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.

30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.

31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working.

32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.

33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.

34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.

35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?"

, unplugging the keyboard & taking it.

36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.

37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.

38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.

39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?"

Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.

40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)

41. Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.

42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say.

"Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.

43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.

44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hang-up before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger.

45. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.

46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.

47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.

48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type.

49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week".

50. Two words: Tesla Coil.

Where Is My Goat?

There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole!
The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them! The man replied, "Oh no. That couldn't be my goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie."

A woman needs only four animal...

A woman needs only four animals in her life:

a mink on her back, a jaguar in her garage

a tiger in her bed

and a jackass to pay for it all

Some Halloween "Lessons" from the Movie Theatre

17. When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see if it's really dead.

16. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.

15. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

14. Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.

13. If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.

12. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

11. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several hundred rounds to kill them, so be prepared!

10. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

9. When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off and go it alone.

8. Do not take *anything* from the dead.

7. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

6. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.

5. Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.

4. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

3. If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.

2. If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, *leave the room immediately if you value your life.*

and last but not least…

1. If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away!

Source: AhaJokes.com

Chuck Norris has a pet kitten ...

Chuck Norris has a pet kitten - every night for a snack.