Animal jokes (4066 to 4080)Jokes about animals. These are the jokes listed 4066 to 4080. |
Maryland Crazy Law
Baltimore
Baltimore City
Columbia
Ocean City
Funny jokes-Romantic Gorilla
The nuns met again a week later and one of the nuns asked her friend,"I have one question. Did he sent flowers afterwards...?"
Playing Golf with God
Three men were playing golf. The course was a wicked dogleg with a large water hazard.
The first man stepped up to the tee and hit a sharp slice into the water hazard. He walked up to the water; it parted and he lofted his ball within one foot of the hole.
The next man steped up and hit the ball. Sure enough, he sliced it so that it landed on top of the water. He walked across the surface of the water and and hit the ball within six inches of the hole.The third man stepped up, hit the ball, and sliced it. The ball was just about to land in the water when a trout jumped out of the water and grabbed it in his mouth. An eagle swooped down, scooped up the fish, and flew off. As the eagle banked over the green, lightning struck it, it dropped the fish, the fish dropped the ball, and it landed in the hole for a hole in one.
Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I really hate playing golf with your Dad."
Nuclear Power
A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, “Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, “What would you like to discuss?”
“Oh, I don't know,” said the stranger. “How about nuclear power?”
“OK,” said Little Johnny. “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. “A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”
“Jeez,” said the stranger. “I have no idea.”
“Well, then,” said Little Johnny, “How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?”
Hilarious jokes-Dead Raccoons
"Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.
"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."
Really funny jokes-The lions will eat anything
Arriving at the aquarium, he discovered that all the fish were dead. He rushed back to the head keeper and asked what he should do.
"Throw them to the lions" said the head keeper, "the lions will eat anything".
So the young keeper returned to the aquarium, picked up all the dead fish and threw them into the lion's cage. That done, he returned and asked what he should do now. He was instructed to go and clean out the ape house. Off he went and started cleaning. He was shocked to discover dead chimpanzees in the cage, and rushed back for instructions.
"Don't worry" said the head keeper, "just throw them to the lions, the lions will eat anything".
So the young man returns to the ape house and throws the dead animals into the lions cage. Returning again for instructions, he is told to go along and help clean up the insect house. Busy cleaning out one off the exotic hives, he notices that all the bees have died. "I know what to do", he thinks to himself "I'll throw them all to the lions, as the lions will eat anything", whereupon he brushes them all up and throws them into the lion cage.
The next day, the zoo obtains a new lioness. The lioness is walking around the new cage for the first time, and starts asking the other lions what things are like here. "Hows the accommodation?", she asks.
"Fine" comes the reply from one lion.
"And whats the food like?" she asks.
"Not bad" replies another, "yesterday, we had fish, chimps and mushy bees".
Three blondes were taking a wa...
Three blondes were taking a walk in the country when they came upon a line of tracks. The first blonde said, "Those must be deer tracks"!The second blonde said, "No, stupid, anyone can tell those are rabbit tracks"! The third blondie said, "No, you idiots, those are horse tracks!"
They where still arguing 10 mins. later when a train hit them!
Bear Remover
Contributed by Jack McClung
A man in rural Alaska wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages, and sure enough, there's an ad for "Up Carter's North Bear Removers." He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. Tim's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean old pit
bull.
"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks...
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there, and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. "When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles, and not let go.
"The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
These 2 guys decide that they ...
These 2 guys decide that they are going to take a fishing vacation together. They agree that they would go deep-sea fishing in Southern Florida.They get there and get all settled in, then the next morning they get up early and head for the boat. On the way to the boat, they see this guy sitting alone fishing off of a pier. They go out for 8 hours, and when they come back they see the same guy still fishing at the same spot.
The next morning on the way to the boat, they see the same guy at the same spot fishing. Again, they go out for 8 hours and when the get back they see the same guy at the same spot still fishing.
Same thing happens the next day. When they get back to the hotel after their third and last day of fishing, they decide that since they don't have to get up in the morning, they would go to a local bar.
When the get to the bar, they see the same guy from the pier sitting at the bar by himself drinking a beer. Well, they decide that they are going to sit by this guy. They sit there, and each has a beer. Then one guy asks him "Are you here on a fishing vacation too? We see you every morning at the pier."
The guy replies "No, I'm here on my honeymoon."
One guy says "Honeymoon!? Don't you think you should be with your bride making love instead of here drinking?"
They guy replies "No, she's got gonorrhea!"
One guy says "Well, you could at least be alone with her, cuddling or SOMETHING!"
The guy says "No, she's got diarrhea too!"
One guy then says "Man, have you even kissed her yet?"
He says "No, she's got pyorrhea too!"
One guy then says "Gonorrhea, diarrhea, pyorrhea! Man, if don't mind me asking, why on earth did you marry her?"
The guy says "Well, she's got worms too, and you know how I love to fish!"
Spelling Bee
Contributed by Bonita Browning
Little Johnny wasn't very good at spelling. During an oral spelling exam, the teacher wrote the word "new" on the blackboard.
"Now," she asked Johnny, "what word would we have if we placed a "K" in the front?"
After a moment's reflection, Johnny said, "Canoe?"
President Roosevelt once rode ...
President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time.High Urinals
Contributed by Aaron Ray
A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs ) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'
'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'
