Cat jokes (16 to 30)Jokes about cats. These are the jokes listed 16 to 30. |
14 Cat jokes
What's a cat's favorite book?
The Great Cats-by.
What's a cat's favorite day of the week?
Cat-urday.
Why did the cats ask for a piano?
They wanted to make mew-sic.
What’s a cat’s favorite cereal?
Mice crispies.
What’s a cat’s favorite TV show?
Claw and Order.
If your cat was an artist, what would they paint?
Paw-traits.
What's a cat’s favorite color?
Purr-ple.
If cats taught school, what would they be called?
Purr-fessors.
What's a cat's favorite food?
Paw-sta.
What do you call a cat who loves to bowl?
An alley cat.
How did the lazy kittens work on their school project?
They put in the bare mew-nimum.
What's every kitten’s favorite movie?
The Little Purr-maid.
What's a cat’s favorite dessert?
Chocolate mouse.
Why don’t cats like online shopping?
They prefer cat-alogues.
9 great new jokes from the Edinburgh fringe festival 2023
Another 9 great jokes from the Edinburgh fringe festival 2023
Getting mythology wrong is my Hercules ankle.~Olaf Falafel
I have an unconscious bias.
I’m biased firmly towards being unconscious.
~Leila Navabi
Cats are like strippers – they sit on your lap and make you think they love you.
~Sikisa
The UK is so small, they’ve got to keep all their lakes in one district.
~Liz Guterbock
I have a suntanning addiction, so only go on holiday in winter.
I went cold Turkey last year.
~Richard Stott
Everyone says your 20s are all about finding yourself.
If that’s true, your 30s are about wishing you’d found somebody else.
~Ginny Hogan
What does Kylie sing while counting sheep?
I can’t get ewe out of my head. ~Alison Spittle
My relationship with my mum is like the evolution of payment technology – we went from physical contact to electronic only,
then it was contactless. ~Kuan-Wen Huang
Last year, I had a great joke about inflation.
But it’s hardly worth it now.
~Amos Gill
Rabbit walks into a bar and few more funny jokes
A priest, a rabbit and a minister walks into a bar.
The rabbit says, "I think I might be a typo!"
My wife said, "I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your obsession with tennis."
I replied, "That's 15 love"
"Dad, I don't want to go to school today." said the boy. "Why not, son?"
"Well, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day.
Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day."
"But why don't you want to go today?" "Because our English teacher died yesterday!"
Why pigs dressed in black never get killed?
Because Batman has sworn to protect goth ham.
My loopy neighbour has invited me to her cats birthday party on Saturday...
Is she crazy? She knows my dog is getting married that day!
Selection of recent Dad jokes and puns
When does a sandwich cook?
When it is bakin' lettuce and tomato.
Why did the smart phone need glasses?
It lost all its contacts.
What state has the smallest drinks?
Mini-soda.
Why did the cow cross the road?
They wanted to go to the mooooovies.
What do you call a funky car?
Mustang.
What did the hammer say to his homeboys?
Nailed it.
Why are cats good at video games?
Because they have nine lives.
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea.
What is big and green and falls off over the tree will kill you?
A snooker table.
What did the French guy do when he drank too much water?
He went oui oui in his pants.
Where do pencils spend their vacation?
Pencil-Vania.
What do flies eat for breakfast?
A bowl of poop loops.
Why did the balloon go near the needle?
He wanted to be a pop star.
What did the duck do when he read all these jokes?
He quacked up.
Why was the tomato all red?
It saw the salad dressing.
What do you call a female magician in the dessert?
A sand witch.
How do billboards talk?
Sign language.
I hurt my foot driving the other day. You know what I called?
The toe company.
What does a dinosaur use to pay bills?
Tyrannosaurus checks.
Scared Dad
Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat.
The first kid says, "My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed."
The second kid replies,"Yeah? Well, that's nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with the lady next door."
18 Worst dad jokes for Fathers Day, according to Amazon employees
Amazon employees reveal on their best WORST dad jokes in an hilarious video series to mark Father's Day. Filmed in its UK fulfilment centres. Scotland is revealed to be the bad dad joke capital of Britain.
Interesting, one of these jokes is also voted one of 20 Best dad jokes of all time
Why are pirates called pirates?
Cos they arrrr.
What do you get if you sit under a cow?
A pat on the head.
Do you know why dads take an extra pair of socks to golf?
In case they get a hole in one.
My wife told me to stop singing Wonderwall to her …
I SAID MAYBE.
What did the janitor say when he walked into the cupboard?
Supplies.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know.
Have you heard about the chocolate record player?
It sounds pretty sweet.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it's a soap opera.
My friend cut his finger while he was cooking.
He shouldn't have been using the sharp cheese. Sorry, that joke was a little too cheesy.
What has more lives than a cat?
A frog, they croak every night.
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims.
A skeleton walks into a bar and says,
Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and the bartender says,
I'm sorry,
we don't serve food here.
Why don't eggs tell each other jokes?
Because they're afraid one of them might crack up.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
Why don't skeletons fight each other?
They just don't have the guts.
What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Thunderwear.
Why don't scientists trust atoms?
Because they turn around and make up stuff.
20 Best dad jokes of all time
The funniest dad jokes ever told.
This 20 are voted as The best Dad jokes ever told but you can find also more Jokes for Father's Day to share with your father.
1. This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
2. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.
It's impossible to put down.
3. Dad, can you put my shoes on?
No, I don't think they'll fit me.
4. I used to hate facial hair…
but then it grew on me.
5. Can you put the cat out?
I didn't know it was on fire.
6. Wife said are you ever going stop singing Wonderwall.
I said maybe…
7. Ah, this takes me back when
putting the car into reverse.
8. I only know 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know y.
9. What do you call a magician who lost their magic?
Ian.
10. How do I look?
With your eyes.
11. Dad, did you get a haircut?
No, I got them all cut!
12. I'm afraid for the calendar.
Its days are numbered.
13. Wanna hear a joke about a pizza?
Never mind, it’s too cheesy.
14. I used to be addicted to the hokey cokey,
but I turned myself around.
15. I am terrified of lifts.
I'm going to take steps to avoid them.
16. What did one wall say to the other?
I'll meet you at the corner.
17. I used to be addicted to soap,
but I'm clean now.
18. How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
19. Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it's a soap opera.
20. Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?
Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.
Monday is better when it starts with new Jokes
If "tomb" is pronounced "toom", "womb" is pronounced "woom" then shouldn't...
"bomb" be pronounced "BOOM".
I asked a pretty, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes.
The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.
When you go to church in the morning you say, "Amen." Cunninghams Law - "Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong". Where do bad rainbows go? Which is faster, hot or cold? Why did the Mexican take anti-anxiety medication? NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to all the aliens… It was a bleak day when we heard about the explosion down at the animal shelter…
But what is of Cole’s Law?
It’s thinly slice cabbage and mayo.
Prism.
It's a light sentence.
Hot, because you can catch a cold
For hispanic attacks.
They are calling it Apollo G!
It was raining cats and dogs!
Canine tooth
A dog and a cat are having an argument about which one a human prefers.
The dog says, "Humans like us more. They have even named a tooth after us!"
The cat smiles and says, "You are really not going to win this one you know!"
A Termite walks into a bar
And says is the bar tender here
Cool Cat
A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to really ticked if it's not ready on time!" she exclaimed suddenly.
When she got home, she realized that she didn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up.
She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner. "Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day."
Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified.
"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.
Two months later, her husband died.
The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"
The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was cleaning himself."
Broccoli
A man was stocking produce at the grocery store when a woman approached, asking, "Excuse me, where's the broccoli? I can't seem to find it."
He replied, "I apologize, ma'am, we're out of broccoli today. We'll have more tomorrow morning."
Resuming his work, he was arranging oranges when the same woman tapped his shoulder and inquired again, "Where's the broccoli? Do you have any?"
He patiently responded, "No, ma'am, we're still out of broccoli. We'll have some tomorrow morning."
Moments later, the woman confronted him once more, demanding, "Why can't I find any broccoli? Where is it?"
The man said, "Please indulge me for a moment. How do you spell 'cat' as in 'catastrophic'?"
She answered, "C-A-T."
He continued, "How do you spell 'dog' as in 'dogmatic'?"
She replied, "D-O-G."
Then he asked, "How do you spell 'fu*k' as in 'broccoli'?"
Puzzled, she said, "There is no 'fu*k' in broccoli."
He exclaimed, "THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU, LADY!"
14 Physics Jokes that Scientist will love!
Why does a burger have less calories than a steak?
Because it is in its “GROUND” state!
Have you heard of the physicist who got chilled to absolute zero.
He’s 0K now.
A photon checks into a hotel and the bell boy asks what luggage he carries. What could be Photon’s reply?
“I did not bring any luggage, I am travelling ‘LIGHT’.
How many general relativity theorists does it take to change a light bulb?
It takes two: One will hold the light bulb, and another will “rotate the space”.
Why can't you trust an atom?
Because atoms ‘make up everything’.
Why can’t you bring ‘electricity’ to parties?
Because it does not know how to ‘conduct’ itself.
You are in a high school and you see an experiment. How will you know which class it is?
If green and wiggly things are placed inside, then it's a biology lab. If it stinks, it's obviously the ‘Chemistry lab. However, if the experiment fails, it's a “physics” lab.
A neutron walks into a bar and asks about the price.
“For you sir, No charge at all!”
What does the male magnet say to the female magnet?
I saw you from the back, and thought you were ‘repulsive’, but now that I see from the front, I find you ‘attractive’.
What did a quantum physicist say before a bar duel?
Let me at-om!
What can a duck say to a physicist?
QUARK! QUARK! QUARK!
What did the Uranium-238 nucleus say to his partner?
We gotta ‘split’!
Two cats fall off a terrace at the same time, at the same speed. Which one did fall off first?
The one with the smaller “mew”.
What can a beginner’s guide to physics include?
Relativity: When the family gets bigger
Black hole: What you get in black socks
Critical mass: a group of film reviewers
Hyperspace: the place where you park your car at a megastore!
30 Earth Day Jokes! Celebrate Earth Day of 2023
April 22nd is Earth Day! Take care of earth!
1. Why did the leaf go to the doctor?
It was feeling green.
2. Why are people always tired on Earth Day?
Because they just finished a March.
3. How can you tell the ocean is friendly?
It waves.
4. Why is grass so dangerous?
Because it’s full of blades.
5. Why did the sun go to school?
To get brighter.
6. How do you cut a wave in half?
Use a sea saw.
7. What did the tree wear to the pool party?
Swimming trunks.
8. What did the ground say to the earthquake?
You crack me up!
9. What kind of shorts to clouds wear?
Thunderwear!
10. Why do tornadoes zigzag?
They’re dizzy.
11. Why did the woman go outdoors with her purse open?
Because she expected some change in the weather.
12. What’s the difference between weather and climate?
You can’t weather a tree, but you can climate.
13. What kind of plant grow on your hand?
Palm tree.
14. What happens when it rains cats and dogs?
You have to been careful not to step in a poodle.
15. What is a tree’s least favorite month?
Sep-timber!
16. What’s the biggest moth in the world?
A mammoth!
17. What did the little tree say to the big tree?
Leaf me alone!
18. Did you hear about the power plant that was bad for the environment all year?
He got coal for Christmas.
19. What did one lightening bolt say to the other??
You're truly shocking!
20. Mother to son: "You shouldn't always lounge around so lazily on the couch!"
Son: "I'm doing something for the environment — I'm saving energy!
21. What is a tree’s least favorite month?
Sep-timber!
22. What did the tree wear to the pool party?
Swimming trunks.
23. How can you tell the ocean is friendly?
It waves.
24. A climate scientist and a climate change denier walk into a bar.
The denier says, nice to see you.
The climate scientist says, nice to CO2.
25. If I ride my bike twice
… does that count as RE-CYCLING?
26. "I'm vegan, by the way," says a vegan. "Oh, probably out of your love for animals?" a friend replies. "No, out of plant hatred, pure plant hatred!"
27. Freedom for the gummy bears! Away with the plastic bags!
28. What kind of bow can't be tied?
A rainbow!
29. How do hurricanes see?
With one eye!
30. My teacher wanted me to come up with a set of steps that we could use to save the environment …
So I created an Al Gore-ithm.
