Food jokes (46 to 60)Jokes about foods. These are the jokes listed 46 to 60. |
The Englishman
A British gentleman in the late 1800's was born to a poor family but through grit and determination begged, borrowed and stole his way to financial success. Always obsessed with climbing the social ladder he even courted then married a woman from a rich family. Through her family he was able to get into a very prestigious gentlemen's club where he could rub elbows with wealthiest of wealthy. He knew this was one of his best opportunities because for all his hustle he knew he wasn't what was considered "old money" and thus never able to rise higher than he was.One night while at the club he overhears some gentleman talking. One tells a story of going on an African safari where he killed a lion, the head of which he had mounted and placed in his study. A second gentleman mentions a trip to the Yukon to investigate their gold prospecting operation and while there he downed a large elk whose antlers he mounted above the fireplace in his living room. A third gentleman tells a story about going to their estate in India where he killed a tiger from the back of an elephant and had it made into a rug he put in his bedroom.
Our British gentleman hears these stories and realizes that to keep up appearances he will need to take an excursion and down some sort of big game himself. So he makes arrangements, getting supplies and chartering a ship to Africa. Once arriving he finds a guide who speaks English and some other men to carry his belongings and they make their way into the dark jungle.
As they trek through the jungle, cutting down the heavy foliage with machetes, they begin to hear a sound in the distance. As the get further in the British gentleman begins to make out that it's the sound of drumming, and assumes that it's some local tribe having some sort of celebration, and as his companions don't seem concerned he assumes it's not something that will become an issue.
As they progress through the jungle and the day becomes late the drumming has increased in volume and intensity. After making camp and preparing their meals the Englishman is getting a bit nervous and asks the guide if the drumming is something they should be concerned with. The guide waves a hand and says "Not to worry. The only time to worry is if the drumming stops."
During the next day as they make their way through the jungle the drumming continues to intensify. By the time they make their camp on the second night the drumming has grown so loud that it's drowning out every other noise in the jungle. No birds, insects, nothing can be heard.
Very suddenly, the drumming stops, absolutely stone cold silence. The Englishman bolts up frantically grabbing the guide and asks "That's bad isn't it? You said the drumming stopping was bad!?"
The guide shakes his head and says "It's absolutely terrible. It means it's time for the accordion solo."
Translated joke... Hope I'm able to do it justice!
Translated joke... Hope I'm able to do it justice!A not-so-bright man is talking to his friend, and the friend asks him, "How many pancakes can you eat on an empty stomach?". The man thinks, and says "4". The friend says, "you can only eat one!". Confused, the man asks his friend to explain, and the friend says, "Once you eat the first one, your stomach isn't empty any more!". The man chuckles at his friend's wit.
Later that day, at home, the man calls his wife and says "How many pancakes can you eat on an empty stomach?" The wife says "3". The man says, "Damn. If you'd said 4, I would have said something really funny!"
Ham Dinner
My wife and I were dining out at a nice restaurant. I overheard the couple at the next table discussing their bill.
"Well Mary," said the man, "Near as I can figure, based of the price of the ham dinner you just ate, we got a hog back on the farm that's worth at least $137,000."
2024 April Fools’ Day pranks - get your pranks up to date
AI prank
Ask something on about well-known person/celebrity a href="https://gemini.google.com" target="_blank">gemini.google.com or chat.openai.com or any other Chat Bot or AI tool.
Take Screenshot and then edit the name and put name of your friend instead and send it to a friend saying: “Look what ChatGPT (or Gemini or whatever…) has on you!”
They will for sure go and check themselves!
Juice pranks – fill glass with jelly instead of juice
Care for a drink?
When your family tries to take a sip of this juice, they'll find out it’s really Jell-O.
Parking prank
Fake parking ticket onto windshield is classic prank.
Some April Fools’ Day pranks get better with age!
Check these Classic April Fools’ Day pranks to make this one of the best April Fools’ Days ever!
Delivery prank
Save the delivery boxes for a few weeks and then on April 1 set them all out by the front door.
Fake Remote Batteries
Replace your remote batteries with fake or dead batteries.
The person using the remote while watching television won't be able to change the channel.
You can sit and laugh at them while they are struggling to fix the remote.
Cookie monster
Unscrew several Oreo cookies and replace the filling with toothpaste.
Sandwich the cookies back together and serve with milk to make it look like a totally normal snack.
Put an air horn behind a door prank
Put an air horn behind a door, then run for cover when someone opens it.
I'm Moving Away Prank
Ideally, take a photo of new neighbor moving in/out so the truck is visible and your neighborhood recognizable on the photo.
If you can't find photo in your neighborhood, just find stock photo of Full-Service Movers so only truck and workers are visible, but not surrounding. Share photo to let your friends know you are moving out.
Need more April Fools’ Day pranks?
Check older April Fools’ Day pranks, they are still good today!
Wool in shoes prank
Stuff someone’s shoes with cotton wool.
They will be so confused when they don’t fit anymore!
Veggies for breakfast prank
Play with quirky twist on breakfast by substituting veggies for the expected doughnuts. Purchase a box from your nearby doughnut shop, but discreetly empty it of its contents before returning home.
Instead, fill it with nutritious options like carrots, celery, and broccoli, then seal it and place it on the table.
Watch as your family anticipates indulging in doughnuts for breakfast, only to discover a pleasant surprise of fresh salad ingredients.
This clever swap can also bring a healthy touch to your workplace when left in the communal kitchen area.
Pretend it’s someone’s birthday when it’s not prank
Then get everyone to sing Happy Birthday to them, and watch the embarrassment unfold.
Friday Funnies: 11 Jokes to Start Your Weekend Right
Did you know that the Icelandic alphabet does not contain the letter Z…How do they sleep at night?
I was surprised to learn I weigh zero milligrams.
I was like 0mg!
I was annoyed when my wife gave me a coffin for my birthday.
I said, “this is the last thing that I need.“
Went to the beach and fed the birds cannabis laced cake. They seemed to like it…
I left no tern unstoned!
A spider asked a human, "Why are you afraid of me?"
Human: "Well, all the reasons I had have been replaced by the fact that you can talk."
Just saw three people jogging outside my window, and it inspired me...
To get up and close the curtains. That's enough interaction with people today!
If I had to rate our solar system
I'd give it one star
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life. ..
Push and Pull!
Me: "Dad, do you know where I can get a Greek sandwich?"
Dad: "I don't know. Let me look through my gyroscope."
I have a lot of respect for giraffes.
They're an animal you can really look up to.
The boss looks over the gentleman's resume and says "Wow, I'm impressed.
It seems like you've got everything needed for the job.
But there's a 4 year gap in here.
What happened there?"
The gentleman responds
"Oh, that's when I went to Yale."
The boss is now super impressed and hires the man on the spot
. The man immediately calls his wife
. "Hey honey, I got the yob!"
28 Morbidly Amusing Dark Humor Jokes to Tickle Your Macabre Side
If you find these jokes funny, something is probably wrong with you!
I was digging in the garden and happened to find a chest with a lot of gold coins.
I wanted to run home to tell my wife about it.
Then I remembered why I was digging in the garden.
What's yellow and can't swim?
A bus full of children.
The doctor gave me one month to live, so I shot him with my gun.
The judge gave me 15 years.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter what you call him, anyway he won't come.
Cremation is my final hope for a smoking-hot body.
What's the last thing in a fly's head as it hits the windshield of a car going 100 mph?
It's behind.
What's worse than biting an apple and then discovering a worm?
Biting the apple, then discovering half a worm.
When ordering dinner at a restaurant, I asked the waiter how they prepared their chicken.
He explained.
"We just tell them they're going to die."
An apple a day keeps the doctor away only if you throw it hard enough.
Why can't orphans play baseball?
They don't know where their home is.
Welcome back to Plastic Surgery Anonymous.
It's nice to see new faces here today!
Why can't you have a book on how to commit suicide in a library?
Because you wouldn't return it back.
What makes sad people jump?
Bridges.
I don't have any carbon footprint.
I drive everywhere.
I wished to die, but then I got a job.
Now I want to pass out.
What do you call a bacterial disease that is caused by two grizzlies?
Twobearculosis.
My doctor told me to stop eating red meat,
so now I dye it orange.
Why are overweight babysitters an awful idea?
The babies always get crushed when they sit on them.
How do you stop a baby from choking?
Let go of his neck.
When I see the lovers' names written on a tree, I don't find it romantic or cute.
I find it weird how people would take knives on their dates.
I was shocked when I found out my toaster was not waterproof.
A dark joke is like food,
which many people don't get.
If you think I am joking about Alzheimer's,
forget it.
Where did Lucy go during the bombing?
Everywhere.
It's important to have a perfect vocabulary.
If I had known to distinguish between anecdote and antidote, one of my good friends would still be alive.
You're not useless.
You can always be used as a bad example.
I have jokes about unemployed people,
but sadly, none work.
What did the frog say at his puppeteer's funeral?
Not a word.
Six Quick Jokes to Kickstart Your Week with a Smile
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
I already have like 50 wooden balls already.
I can't believe I forgot to go to the gym yesterday.
That's 8 years in a row now.
Wife: "I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it!"
Husband: [peeing on jellyfish] "This is for stinging my wife."
I hate it when my wife gets mad at me for being lazy.
It’s not like I did anything!
I have a contact lens problem.
I have no contact lens solution.
My wife rang me at the pub and said, “If you’re not home in 10 minutes, I’m giving the dinner I cooked you to the dog.”
I was home in 5 minutes.
I’d hate for anything to happen to the dog.
7 short jokes for a good Tuesday
I asked my friend when his birthday was, and he said, "March 1st".
So I walked around the room like a soldier and asked him again.
I left my job today. I couldn’t work for that man after what he said to me.
He said: "you’re fired."
My wife and I were walking through the park today and we passed a large groups of nuns.
I said wow what an opportunity for a joke, but I’ve got none.
Daughter: "How do I look, Dad?"
Me: "With your eyes, sweetie."
A dad went into his 13 yr old daughter's bedroom to find her smoking.
"How long have you been smoking?" he shouted.
"Since I lost my virginity," she replied.
"You lost your VIRGINITY?" he shrieked. "When the hell did this happen?"
The daughter replied, "No idea, I was drunk!"
A sweet old lady on a bus offers the driver some peanuts. He eats a few and asks her why she isn't having any herself.
"Oh they're too hard on my poor teeth, I couldn't."
"Why did you buy them all then?" wonders the driver.
"You see, I just love the chocolate they're covered in!"
"Come into the bedroom and I'll show you a good time," I said to the wife.
When she came up I showed her pictures of me and my mates before I met her!
Are You Eating Right
A woman goes to her doctor. She has a breadstick up her nose, a potato in her right ear and string bean in her left ear.
She says, "Doctor, can you help me? I don't feel well, and I cannot figure out what's wrong."
The doctor replies; "Well, you are clearly not eating properly."
The Announcement of My Death
Jerry was sitting down for breakfast one morning when he was astonished to see in the paper an announcment of his own death.
He called his friend at once, "Jim, have you seen the announcement of my death in the paper?"
Jim replied, "Yes, and exactly where are you calling from?"
True Love
Boyfriend: "Honey, on this Valentine's Day, I want to tell you something... I'm not rich like Robert. I don't have a mansion like Gary. I don't have a Porsche like Martin. But I do love you and I want to marry you."
Girlfriend: "Oh dear, I love you too... what was that you said about Martin?"
