Food jokes (61 to 75)Jokes about foods. These are the jokes listed 61 to 75. |
7 short jokes for a good Tuesday
I asked my friend when his birthday was, and he said, "March 1st".
So I walked around the room like a soldier and asked him again.
I left my job today. I couldn’t work for that man after what he said to me.
He said: "you’re fired."
My wife and I were walking through the park today and we passed a large groups of nuns.
I said wow what an opportunity for a joke, but I’ve got none.
Daughter: "How do I look, Dad?"
Me: "With your eyes, sweetie."
A dad went into his 13 yr old daughter's bedroom to find her smoking.
"How long have you been smoking?" he shouted.
"Since I lost my virginity," she replied.
"You lost your VIRGINITY?" he shrieked. "When the hell did this happen?"
The daughter replied, "No idea, I was drunk!"
A sweet old lady on a bus offers the driver some peanuts. He eats a few and asks her why she isn't having any herself.
"Oh they're too hard on my poor teeth, I couldn't."
"Why did you buy them all then?" wonders the driver.
"You see, I just love the chocolate they're covered in!"
"Come into the bedroom and I'll show you a good time," I said to the wife.
When she came up I showed her pictures of me and my mates before I met her!
Are You Eating Right
A woman goes to her doctor. She has a breadstick up her nose, a potato in her right ear and string bean in her left ear.
She says, "Doctor, can you help me? I don't feel well, and I cannot figure out what's wrong."
The doctor replies; "Well, you are clearly not eating properly."
The Announcement of My Death
Jerry was sitting down for breakfast one morning when he was astonished to see in the paper an announcment of his own death.
He called his friend at once, "Jim, have you seen the announcement of my death in the paper?"
Jim replied, "Yes, and exactly where are you calling from?"
True Love
Boyfriend: "Honey, on this Valentine's Day, I want to tell you something... I'm not rich like Robert. I don't have a mansion like Gary. I don't have a Porsche like Martin. But I do love you and I want to marry you."
Girlfriend: "Oh dear, I love you too... what was that you said about Martin?"
Ambulance or Police?
One night a husband and wife were sleeping and suddenly the wife woke up.
"Honey, wake up! I think there’s a burglar downstairs, and it sounds like they're eating the cake I made!” said the wife.
Half asleep, the husband answers, "So should I call the police or the ambulance?”
15 Funny Space Jokes
Why didn't the sun go to university?
Because it already has a million degrees.
How does the moon cut its hair?
Eclipse it.
Why weren't the astronauts hungry when they arrived in space?
Because they had a big launch.
My kid is really obsessed with the moon.
I'm hoping it's just a phase.
Why doesn't Saturn ever go to the jewellery store?
Because it already has enough rings!
Why did the sun go to school?
To get a little brighter!
Why couldn't the astronaut book a hotel on the moon?
Because it was full!
Birthday parties in space are the worst. Why?
Because they have no atmosphere.
Did you hear Einstein came up with a theory about space?
Well, it's about time!
What did Mars say to Saturn?
Give me a ring sometime.
How do you get a baby astronaut to sleep?
Rocket.
What did the astronaut say when he crashed into the moon?
I Apollo-gize.
What kind of money is used for trading in outer space?
Starbucks.
Why did the star get arrested?
Because it was a shooting star!
Why did the astronaut break up with her boyfriend?
Because she needed some space.
Winter Wit: Midweek Laughs to Warm You Up for Friday Fun with 31 jokes
Which one is faster: hot or cold?
Hot. You can catch a cold.
Why is the slippery ice like music?
If you don't C sharp - you'll B flat!
What's an ig?
A snow house without a loo!
What do you call a snowman with abs?
An abdominal snowman.
How does a snowman get to work?
By icicle
What did the wool hat say to the scarf?
You hang around while I go on ahead.
What do snowmen win at the Olympics?
Cold medals!
How do polar bears make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
What do you call a snowman’s dog?
A slush puppy!
"Knock, knock!" "Who's there?" "Freeze." "Freeze who?"
"Freeze a jolly good fellow, freeze a jolly good fellow..."
"Knock, knock!" "Who's there?" "Icy." "Icy who?”
"Icy a long cold winter coming!"
"Knock, knock!" "Who's there?" "Snow." "Snow who?"
"Snowbody home."
What kind of math does a Snowy Owls like?
Owlgebra.
What did the ocean say to the bergy bits?
Nothing. It just waved.
(That's an old joke from the Ice Age.)
What sits on the bottom of the cold Arctic Ocean and shakes?
A nervous wreck.
Tip 1:
No matter how cold you are, DO NOT attempt to build a fire in a kayak! You can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Tip 2:
Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the birds have flown south for the winter.
What food do you get when you cross a snowman with a wolf?
A brrrr-grrr.
What did the icy road say to the car?
“Want to go for a spin?”
Did you hear about the man buried alive under a sudden snowstorm?
He was feeling under the weather.
Why is Frosty never late?
Time waits for snow man.
What’s the scariest part of owing Santa money?
He snows where you live.
Where’s the warmest place in the South Pole?
On a map.
How did the snow globe feel after listening to a scary story?
A bit shaken up!
What do you call a snowman that plays piano?
Meltin’ John.
What do you call a snowman without a carrot?
Nobody nose.
I warned him about starting his own ski resort.
It’s a slippery slope
Who delivers the Christmas presents to baby sharks?
Santa Jaws
It was so cold outside that I saw a Greyhound bus, and the dog was riding on the inside.
Why is it hard to ski after a fresh snow?
With great powder comes great responsibility.
Did you hear about the politicians whose best speeches were outdoors in the winter?
He could really turn a freeze.
Feeding the Baby
A first-time father was taking a turn at feeding the baby some strained peas. Naturally, there were traces of the food everywhere, especially on the infant.
His wife comes in, looks at the infant, then at her husband staring into space, then says, "What in the world are you doing?"
He replied, "I'm waiting for the first coat to dry, so I can put on another."
New Year's Eve Party
Jack's New Year's Eve party was an annual occurrence with numerous guests arriving. During the evening, a man knocked on the door, was greeted heartily although no one knew who he was, and was led to where the food was, in the kitchen.
He sat there happily, chatting away for a couple of hours before it all clicked. "You know," he confided to Jack, "I wasn't even invited to this party. I just came over to tell you that some of your guests' cars are blocking my driveway."
He continued, "My wife's been sitting out in the car waiting for me to get them moved, so that we can go out."
Winter is here! Collection of 76 Winter Jokes
1. Why did the snowman hold up his arms?
He was told to freeze.
2. What did the black ice ask the car?
Wanna go for a spin?
3. How do you know when a snowman is scared?
He's sitting in yellow snow.
4. What did the mitten say to the hand?
I've got you covered.
5. Why did the reindeer have a limp?
He took a snowfall.
6. What's the difference between ice and icicle?
Ice has noel.
7. Why is a sled always discouraged?
It's continuously on a downward slide.
8. What do you call a cold thief?
A brrrr-glar.
9. Why was there a puddle in front of the fireplace?
A snowman was trying to warm himself.
10. What is the purpose of bundling up?
Anti-freeze.
11. How does Jack Frost keep warm?
With a thick blanket of snow.
Christmas is almost here, check out Christmas jokes in our Christmas jokes collection
12. Why did the snowman leave?
He had a meltdown.
13. What happens when you catch a cold?
You get cabin fever.
14. Where does a snowman store his cash?
In a snowbank.
15. What is the best way to build a snow fort?
I-gloo it together.
16. Why does Frosty's wife look so young?
She uses cold cream on her face.
17. What happens when a mosquito lands on a snowman?
He gets frostbite.
18. Why did the two snowmen part ways?
One was just too flaky.
19. When is an igloo a bad investment?
During global warming.
20. What are little snowmen called?
Chill-dren.
21. What is a snowman's favorite breakfast cereal?
Frosted Flakes.
22. When does winter begin?
When autumn leaves.
23. How did the snowman get flattened?
Instead of his usual snow shower, he went for an avalanche.
24. Why are polar bears so big?
Because they snack on ice cream and snow cones.
25. How does a snowman lose weight?
He drinks only hot chocolate.
26. What has the best chance of surviving a fall?
Snow.
27. How does Jack Frost stay so thin?
He only eats iceberg lettuce.
28. How does Santa like his cookies?
With lots of ice-ing.
29. What fish do you catch in the winter?
Frozen fish sticks.
30. Why should you invite an ice fisherman to your party?
To help break the ice.
31. What is sure to stop a snowball fight?
A hail storm.
32. How does a snowman travel through town?
On bi-cicle.
33. Who is Frosty's favorite aunt?
Aunt Artica.
34. Why was the snowman looking through the carrots?
He was picking his nose.
35. What do you call a hot-tempered snowman?
A puddle.
36. How did the man feel after being buried under the avalanche?
A bit under the weather.
37. How did the snowman know he was getting sick?
He had the chills.
38. What type of beer is served in Iceland?
Only drafts.
39. How do mountain tops handle the cold?
They put on their snow caps.
40. What's easy to catch and hard to get rid of?
A cold.
41. Knock, knock. Who's there? Snow. Snow who?
Snow body.
42. When will you see snowmen dance?
At a snowball.
43. What did the snowman's wife put over the baby crib?
A snowmobile.
44. What gift should you never give a snowman?
An electric blanket.
45. How do you know when you have angered a snowman?
You'll get the cold shoulder.
46. What do you call a reindeer without eyes?
I have no eye deer.
47. What did a police officer ask a suspect in the Arctic?
Where were you the night of September to March?
48. What do you call 5 snowshoe hares bouncing backward in the snow?
A receding hare line.
49. Who protects snowmen?
Snow angels.
50. Why should you wear a helmet during a hail storm?
So you don't get knocked out cold.
51. Why are snowmen so well-behaved?
They don't want to end up in the greenhouse.
52. What did the scarf say to the hat?
You go on ahead and I'll just hang around.
53. How do snowmen get smarter?
From the winternet.
54. What do the elves eat for lunch in the North Pole?
Cold cuts and chilly.
55. What did one snowflake say to another?
Let's stick together.
56. How can you tell when a snowman is embarrassed?
He begins to slush.
57. What song do you sing to honor a snowman?
Freeze a jolly good fellow.
58. What is the elf's favorite time at the workshop?
Snow and tell.
59. How do you defend yourself against a snowman?
With a heat gun.
60. What do you call a snapshot from the North Pole?
A polaroid.
61. Why is it easy to build a blonde snowman?
It's made up of flakes.
62. What do trees say after winter is over?
What a re-leaf!
63. Why do polar bears live by themselves?
They like the ice-olation.
64. Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot. You can easily catch a cold.
65. What do you call a penguin in the city?
Lost.
66. What does a snowman take when he's afraid of melting?
A chill pill.
67. What dilemma does a snowman with achy muscles have?
Wondering whether or not IcyHot rub is a good idea.
68. Why do reindeer have fur?
Because snowsuits don't fit them.
69. What are the chances of a white Christmas?
Pretty good. It's Decembrrrrr.
70. What happens when you cross a wizard with a blizzard?
You get a cold spell.
71. Why do ski socks never make plans?
They're afraid they'll get cold feet.
72. How do you stay warm in any room during the winter?
Go into a corner. It's always 90 degrees.
73. How do you get a snowman to disappear?
Give him a warm hug.
74. What happens when you ask Santa for money?
He leaves cold hard cash.
75. Why did the orchestra set up in the snow?
They wanted to play "cool jazz."
76. How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed?
You wake up wet!
107 Funny Christmas Jokes and Puns 2023
Christmas jokes and puns from 2023, although some older jokes might slip through
If these 107 Christmas jokes is not enough for you, please find lot more of Christmas jokes in our Christmas jokes collection
- What does the Gingerbread Man use to make his bed? Cookie sheets!
- What's Santa Claus's favourite track & field event? North Pole-vaulting!
- That sly smile on your face has me thinking you’re up to snow good.
- I didn't think this party would be such a drag; I'm snow bored.
- What was Santa's best subject in school? Chemistree.
- What did the peanut butter say to the grape on Christmas? This is the season to be jelly.
- What's Santa Claus's favourite type of potato chip? Crisp Pringles!
- All I want for Christmas is ewe.
- I'm pine-ing for you.
- Have snow fear—Christmas is here!
- Your presents are requested.
- Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? He wanted to see time fly!
- What do you call a reindeer ghost? A cari-boo!
- I bought my son a refrigerator for Xmas – I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
- The moment you stop believing in Santa is when you start getting clothes for Christmas.
- This fire is so cozy, the snuggle is real.
- I'll be ho-ho-home for Xmas.
- A round of Santa-plause, please.
- Happy howlidays! Hope Santa Paws brings you lots of treats.
- Sending you pugs and kisses this Christmas.
- Who delivers Christmas presents to pets? Santa Paws.
- Yappy Holidays and a Happy New Year.
- Where does Santa stay when he goes on vacation? At a ho-ho-ho-tel.
- These decorations are tree-mendous.
- I only have ice for you.
- It is ice to meet you.
- Have your elf a merry little Christmas.
- How do dogs sing jingle bells? Dachshund through the snow…
- Merry Xmas. Hope it’s not too ruff!
- How do Chihuahuas say merry Christmas? iFleas Navidog.
- What did the dog say to the Xmas tree? Bark.
- Santa’s little yelper wants to wish you a Merry Christmas.
- Why was the dog upset about the Xmas tree? He was not even allowed to bring sticks into the house.
- Someone’s barking up the wrong Christmas tree.
- Paws a moment this Christmas to reflect on what the season is all about!
- What do you call a wet dog with a bell on his collar? Jingle smells!
- It is never chew late to wish you a Happy Holidays.
- If you’re lucky this Xmas, Santa Claus will grace you with his presents.
- That look soots you.
- What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes.
- Children who don’t learn to tie their shoes properly are bound to wind up on the knotty list.
- It is the most wonderful time for a beer.
- The festive season has me feeling extra Santa-mental.
- How do dogs decorate for Xmas? They deck the paws with bows of collie.
- What do you do when it’s raining cats and dogs? Nothing; as long as it does not reindeer.
- You sleigh me.
- I’ll never fir-get.
- In 2020, the best gift will be hand Santa-tizer.
- You’re the best person I snow.
- It’s the most wine-derful time of the year.
- I love when candy canes are in mint condition.
- Rebel without a Claus.
- You’re my soul Santa.
- What do snowmen eat for lunch? Ice burgers!
- What kind of music do elves listen to? Wrap.
- What do you call an old snowman? Water.
- Where do snowmen keep money? In a snow bank.
- What do you call Frosty the Snowman in May? A puddle!
- Which of Santa's reindeer has bad manners? Rude-alph!
- Why didn't the skeleton go to the Yule party? He had no-body to go with.
- What do you get if you combine Santa and a duck? A Xmas Quacker!
- What type of cars do elves drive? Toy-otas.
- When I think about you, I touch my elf.
- He is a fungi to be with.
- Eat, drink, and be tacky.
- I got my wife a wooden leg for Christmas. It’s a real stocking filler!
- You’ve got balls coming in here dressed like that.
- What is the worst Christmas present? A broken drum, you can't beat it.
- Did you hear about the mall Santa who lost his job? He was fired for Clause.
- What do you call people who are afraid of Santa clause? Claustrophobic.
- How does Santa keep track of all the fireplaces he has visited? He keeps a log book.
- Why is Santa banned from sooty chimneys? Carbon footprints.
- What do you call a cow that lives in an igloo? An eskimoo.
- Santa's beard is so long because he's bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?
- What kind of linens do gingerbread men put on their beds? Cookie sheets.
- Single bells, single bells, single all the way.
- What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
- Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing? They keep dropping their needles.
- Who hides in the bakery at Xmas? A mince spy.
- How do the elves clean Santa's sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!
- What do snowmen have for breakfast? Snowflakes.
- Eat, drink, and be meowy.
- Have a meowy Christmas.
- Merry catmas! Hope you have a Purr-fect Holiday season!
- May your days be meowy and bright.
- All I want for Xmas is mew.
- Here comes Santa Claws, here comes Santa Claws…
- Catty Canes.
- The tree and I are getting lit this Christmas.
- Are you oakay? Yes, I'm pine!
- I love hanging with you this season.
- Never fir-get how beautiful Christmas trees are.
- Have a tree-mendous Christmas.
- Hey DJ, drop the needles. Can I get a watt watt?
- I think my tree and I have a really good chemis-tree.
- Don’t forget that everyone is rooting for you.
- This year my tree is #ballin.
- Ornamentary, my dear Watt-son.
- Hey tree, do not leaf me hanging.
- Looking at you is like reading poetree.
- Birch, please.
- I love the festive season more than you think.
- Yes, I do consider myself a Christmas tree hugger.
- I’m having fun fir sure.
- I love you a whole watt.
- What a de-light you are to be around.
- Advice from a tree: stand tall and proud, go out on a limb, remember your roots, and drink plenty of water.
Who's Your Daddy?
While the family was sitting around the dinner table, Jennifer, 5, turned to her brother Andy, 3, and pointed to her dad. "That's not your real father," she said, startling the whole family.
"Yes, he is!" Andy replied.
"No, he's not," Jennifer insisted. "God is your heavenly father."
Then pointing at her dad, she said, "That's your homely father!"
62 corny jokes to get you through Monday
- Do you have a Band-Aid? I have hurt myself while falling for you.
- You better direct that beauty elsewhere because you drive me up the wall.
- Girl, you're so stunning. I just forgot my pickup line.
- Your dad must be Liam Neeson because I'm Taken with you.
- If grapes make your skin beautiful, your home must be in a vineyard.
- How well did the phone propose to its girlfriend? He gave her a ring.
- You're like dandruff because I can't get you off my mind no matter how hard I try.
- Girl, do you know you're like asthma because you take my breath away?
- I am Microsoft. Can I crash at your place today?
- What do runners eat before a race? Nothing, they fast.
- I know what you did last summer. Do you want to do the same during the winter?
- Hey honey, do you want to hear a joke about construction? Never mind, I'm still working on it.
- What did that little boat tell the yacht? Hey, can I interest you in a row-mance?
- What did the guy with the broken leg say to the nurse? I have a clutch on you.
- What do you call two birds that are in love? Tweet hearts.
- What do you call a person with a rubber toe? Roberto.
- Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
- Why should you not fall in love with a pastry chef? He will desert you.
- What name is given to a factory that only markets passable products? A satisfactory.
- What does a ghost call his friend? My ghoul friend.
- Knock knock? Who is there? Paul. Paul, who? I'm Paul, in love with you.
- Are you casting for Wonder Woman? Because I have the perfect role.
- Are you feeling guilty about global warming? Because your hotness is melting the world.
- Will you kiss me, or should I lie to my diary?
- Hey girl, is that an earthquake, or have you just shaken my world?
- It seems I am addicted to yes and am allergic to no. So what's it going to be?
- Do you believe in love on first sight, or should I pass by you again?
- I may not be a professional, but we would look cute together in a photo.
- Girl, I need CPR after seeing your face.
- My job is secure. No one else needs it.
- It would be best to never break up with a goalie because he's the keeper.
- Do you have a date for Valentine's Day? Yes, it is on the 14th.
- What happened when two lovely vampires went on their first date? It was love at first bite.
- Why should you not marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.
- What is the difference between marriage and love? Love is blind, while marriage is an eye-opener.
- My girlfriend works at the zoo. She is a keeper.
- I said I love you so much. I can't live without you. My girlfriend asked me, "Is it you talking or the beer?" I innocently answered her, "I was talking to the beer."
- Love is like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and you wondered about Y?
- Do you know love is telling someone to go to hell and worrying about them reaching their safe?
- Please don't laugh at your girlfriend's choices because you're one of them.
- I love to tell my girlfriend, the house boss, by holding the mirror before her face.
- I said to my girlfriend she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
- What did the cat say to her girlfriend? You're perfect for me.
- What do you call two cupids who are in love? A match made in heaven.
- What did one watermelon tell the other watermelon? You're the only one in melons.
- Why did the man accuse his wife of robbery? She stole his heart.
- Who has a date on Valentine's Day? The calendar.
- When you fall in love with a chef, you get buttered up.
- The hopeless romantic baker told his dough, I knead you.
- The tightrope walker found love through online dating.
- Is it hot in here, or are you busy raising the temperature?
- Girl, give me back my heart because it seems you stole it when I first set my eyes on you.
- Why did the skeleton go to the party alone? He had nobody to go with.
- What did the shark tell the other while eating clownfish? Wow, this tastes funny.
- Girl, what do you call a magician dog? Labracadabrador.
- What do you call a pony with a cough? A little hoarse.
- I saw two zombies on a date, and they said romance is dead.
- The lion broke up with his girlfriend since she was a cheetah.
- Your name must be WiFi because I am feeling a strong connection.
- Babe, you turn my floppy disk into a hard drive.
- What do you say to your single friends on Valentine's Day? Happy independence day.
- I told my boyfriend to text me when he reached home. He must be homeless.
