Food jokes (91 to 105)Jokes about foods. These are the jokes listed 91 to 105. |
Wine Jokes That Will Make You Laugh Until You Can't Hold Your Bladder!
Q: What’s the secret to enjoying a good bottle of wine?
A: Open the bottle to let it breathe. If it looks like it’s not breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth!
Q: What did the grape do when someone stepped on it?
A: It let out a little wine!
Q: How do you determine how much wine to drink?
A: Just take it on a case-by-case basis.
Q: What is a woman’s idea of a balanced diet?
A: A glass of wine in each hand!
A man sat with his wife while she sipped on her glass of wine, as she said, “I love you so much, you know. I don’t know how I could ever live without you.”
Husband: Is that you or the wine talking?
Wife: It’s me talking to the wine.
A priest is sitting on a park bench mumbling to himself, when a police officer walks over. He smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and sees a wine bottle in a paper bag beside him.
Officer: Father, have you been drinking?
Priest: Just water.
Officer: Then why do I smell wine?
Priest: Good Lord! He’s done it again!
Q: How much should you spend on a bottle of wine?
A: I don’t know, maybe 20 minutes?
Customer: Can I get a bottle of McWine please?
Cashier: Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Young Man: Wow, 50 years. What’s your secret?
Older Man: Twice a week, we go out to a fancy dinner and drink a bottle of expensive wine. Tonight is my night. She gets Thursdays.
33 Jokes for Teens Guaranteed to Make Them Smile
Q: Why do teenage girls travel in odd numbers?
A: Because they can't even.
Q: Why can't a T-Rex clap their hands?
A: Because they're extinct.
Q: What do you call a belt with a watch on it?
A: A waist of time.
Q: What is the wake-up time for ducks?
A: The quack of dawn.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: Look for the fresh prints.
Q: What do you get when you mix sulfur, tungsten, and silver?
A: SWAG.
Q: What do you call high school kids who haven’t been able to go to school because of COVID-19?
A: Quaranteens.
Q: How do you drown a hipster?
A: In the mainstream.
Q: What do you call hiking U.S. college students?
A: The walking debt.
Q: What kind of tea is hard to swallow?
A: Reali-tea.
Q: Why did the math book bummed?
A: It had a lot of problems.
Q: Why did God supposedly make men before He made women?
A: Because everyone needs a rough draft.
Q: How do you communicate with a fish?
A: Drop it a line.
Q: Why shouldn’t you worry about passing math?
A: Because it's easy as pi.
Q: Why do pimples make horrible prisoners?
A: Because they keep breaking out.
Q: What do you call a grizzly with bad teeth?
A: A gummy bear.
Q: How do you know when you’re desperate for an answer?
A: You look at the second page of Google search results.
Q: What do computers snack on?
A: Microchips.
Q: What is a teenager who never grows called?
A: Constantine.
Q: Why does ice cream get invited to every party?
A: It's cool and sweet.
Q: What did the grape say when it was pinched?
A: Nothing, it just started to wine.
Q: How are parties organized at NASA?
A: They planet.
Q: What's the most hardworking part of the eye?
A: The pupil.
Q: How does the moon cut its hair?
A: It e-clips it.
Q: What do you call a Minecraft meetup IRL?
A: A block party.
Q: Why can't you trust an atom?
A: Because they make up everything.
Q: What do you call a belt with a watch on it?
A: A waist of time.
Q: What has four wheels and flies?
A: A garbage truck!
Q: What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?
A: Finding half a worm in your apple.
Q: Why are spiders such know-it-alls?
A: They’re always on the web.
Q: Why are eggs bad at telling jokes?
A: They always crack each other up.
Q: What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
A: Don't know, don't care.
Q: What do you call hiking U.S. college students?
A: The walking debt.
World Older Persons Day Jokes
On 1st October we recognize the International Day of Older Persons! Here are some jokes to mark the occasion:
An old woman is sitting at a bar when an older gentleman sits down beside her.
"So," he says, "Do I come here often?"
What is a prize old people can win for aging?
Atrophy.
I used to know a couple who grew fruit trees together.
They lived to a ripe old age.
What’s the best part of old age?
That it doesn’t last very long.
These are not gray hairs! They are
wisdom highlights.
Which underwear brand do seniors love best?
It Depends.
Old age makes us great multitaskers.
I can sneeze and pee at the same time!
What’s the secret to having a smoking hot body as a senior?
Cremation.
One benefit of old age is that your secrets are always safe with your friends …
because they can’t remember them!
Age is an issue of mind over matter.
If you don’t mind getting older, then it really doesn’t matter.
Why do old people love English muffins so much?
All the nooks and grannies.
How is the moon like dentures?
Both come out at night.
Now that I’ve gotten older, everything’s finally starting to click for me.
My knees, my back, my neck …
I’ve decided: Whatever age I am is the new 30!
What goes up but never comes down?
Your age.
I called the incontinence hotline recently.
They asked if I could hold.
Of all your children, the only one who won’t grow up and move away is
your husband.
6 Good jokes for Happy Friday
I am looking for someone to brush their teeth with me...
I just found out that 9 out of 10 dentists say brushing alone won't reduce cavities
My son asked if I was named after my dad.
I said, "of course I was, he was born many years before me."
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit covered in bee stings and smelling like honey...
You know she's a keeper.
People always ask where is Bigfoot? But never ask How is Bigfoot?
Yeti never complains
A friend told me he doesn't let his kids watch orchestra performances
cuz there's too much sax and violins.
My friend asked me if I had ever tried blindfolded archery. I replied that I hadn't.
He said, "It's great. You don't know what you're missing!
Have some fun with 'addicted' jokes
I'm addicted to seaweed.
I must seek kelp.
My friend is addicted to drinking ink.
It's a dyer situation.
I've been reading a book on anti-gravity, and now I'm addicted.
I can't put it down!
I used to be addicted to eating soap.
But I'm clean now.
I have an addiction to cheddar cheese,
although it's only mild.
Sat next to a fruit machine addict at a gamblers anonymous meeting last night, It was awful!..
He kept nudging me.
A bunch of batteries were gathering around in a circle.
I guess they were having an AA-meeting.
They say one in every seven friends have a gambling addiction.
My money's on Dave.
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts.
I won't lie, it was a Rocky Road.
m embarrassed to say I got addicted to shoplifting but only from the bottom shelves in the supermarket.
How could I stoop so low?
I've been addicted to cold turkey for 2 years.
I keep telling people I'm trying to quit cold turkey but nobody is taking me seriously.
Got home and someone has stolen all the bits of carpets and the mats.
Police think it was the work of rug addicts.
Politician's Sandwich
On the Listening Tour, a prominent politician was pleased and proud that the local sandwich shop in a town he was visiting had named a sandwich after him.
He was somewhat less pleased after he found out what was in it.
"Mostly baloney," said the proprietor.
5 short jokes for great Friday
I hired a lawyer to sue the airlines for mishandling my luggage.
He lost the case.
Vegetarians think eating animals is immoral
But eating mushrooms is morel
How do you make an eggroll?
You push it!
What day do eggs hate the most?
Fry-day
How do eggs run so fast?
They’re afraid of being beaten
14 Jokes to brighten your day
A termite walks into a bar and asks
- Is the bar tender here?
What do you call a caveman's fart?
A blast from the past.
I was having a bad day, and my friend said,
'At least you're not stuck in a hole in the ground full of water.'
I knew he meant well.
A guy walks into a doctor's office, butt ass naked, but wrapped head-to-toe in cellophane.
The doctor takes one look at the guy and says,
'Well...I can clearly see your nuts.'
- Why couldn't the lifeguard rescue the hippie?'
- Because he was too far out, man.
The chicken and the egg are in bed.
The chicken rolls over and lights a cigarette, and the egg says,
'Well, I guess that answers *that* question.'
Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?
Because if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.
Why don't anteaters ever get sick?
Because they are full of little anty-bodies.
A tire thief is at large ...
and the police are working tirelessly to catch him.
A man went to see his doctor and the doctor said to him,
'I have some bad news and some worse news for you.'
So the man asks, 'OK, so what’s the bad news?'
The doctor says, 'You only have 24 hours to live.'
The man, obviously shocked by this, says, 'Oh my god, that’s terrible!'
Then he says, 'Wait a minute — what’s the worse news?'
Doctor: 'I should have told you yesterday.'
Two men are standing by the roadside when a tractor drives past.
The driver is ranting and shouting, 'The end of the world is nigh!'
One guy says, 'Oh no, we’re all gonna die, what shall we do?'
His friend replies, 'Don’t worry about him, that’s just Farmer Geddon!'
How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes a long time and the light bulb has to want to change.
How do ghosts go through locked doors?
AWith a skeleton key!
What did the zero say to the eight?
'Nice belt.'
7 short jokes to make Friday even better
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,"You know, one would have been enough."
Bread is a lot like the sun.
It rises in the yeast, and sets in the waist.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking,
so I'm off to find a bar with a mirror!
Why do most people write with their right hand?
Because they don't want to write with the wrong hand.
Which celebrity is always ready for cereal?
Reese, with her spoon
I can't believe someone broke into my house and stole all of my fruit.
I am peachless!
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now!
20 math jokes to make you laugh
I poured my root beer into a square glass...
Now I have a beer
Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven ate nine!
What do you call a bunch of guys who love math?
Alge-bros!
Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach?
It was over 90 degrees!
How does a mathematician plow fields?
With a pro-tractor.
What's a math teacher's favorite kind of tree?
Geometry.
Why did the girl wear glasses during math class?
It improved di-vision.
Who's the king of the pencil case?
The ruler.
Why doesn't anybody talk to circles?
Because there's no point.
What did the triangle say to the circle?
You're pointless.
Why was the obtuse triangle always upset?
Because it's never right.
What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt!
Why did the two 4s skip lunch?
They already 8!
How do you make seven an even number?
Remove the s!
Why was math class so long?
The teacher kept going off on a tangent.
Do you know what's odd?
Every other number!
Are monsters good at math?
Not unless you Count Dracula.
Which king loved fractions?
Henry the ⅛.
Have you heard the one about the statistician?
Probably.
What do you call a number that can't sit still?
A roamin' numeral!
Few funny short jokes
My plan for tomorrow is to go with the wife to get us both some new glasses…
After that, we'll see!
I helped my neighbour this morning and she said to me, "I could marry you."
I couldn't believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return
A girl agreed to go out with me after I gave her a bottle of tonic water...
Schwepped her off her feet!
Did you hear about the bloke that always got angry when he was out of bread for breakfast?
He was lack-toast intolerant!
8 short dad jokes to make you laugh
mom:Do you think we’re made of money?
daughter: Isn’t that what MOM stands for?
I wanted to get rid of my old knackered flat screen tv that doesn't work anymore.
The council said they would charge me £27.00 to collect it and dispose of it.
Instead, I paid £7.50 and booked an online courier to collect it and deliver to somebody I don't like!
In my last job my wages were paid in vegetables.
I left because i was unhappy with the celery.
It was a very moving ceremony.
Even the cake is in tiers.
So, today, I told my team about the importance of dried grapes.
It’s all about raisin awareness.
Yeah. I was in a Zoom meeting when I told that joke and they didn’t laugh either.
It turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
My mum told me that I can’t drive a car made of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.
Why are Catholics so upbeat after church gatherings?
Because they convert Mass into energy.
The september 5 ...
The September 5 is National Be Late for Something Day! This holiday aims to promote the more positive aspects of procrastination. Find some jokes to celebrate it!
Late for date joke
After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, Melissa decided she had been stood up. She changed from her best dinner dress into her pyjamas and slippers, fixed herself snack and resigned herself to an evening of TV. No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her doorbell rang. There stood her date.
He took one look at her and gasped, "I'm two hours late ... and you're still not ready?"
Late for Work joke
Mark had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. After a few weeks of this, Mr Johnson, his boss, called him in and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.
So Mark went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. He got a great night's sleep and actually beat the alarm in the morning. After a leisurely breakfast, he cheerfully drove to work.
"Mr Johnson," he said, "The pill my doctor subscribed me actually worked!"
"That's all fine," said his boss,
"But where were you yesterday?"
Few short "late" jokes
TEACHER: Young man, you've been late for school five days this week. Does that make you happy?
PUPIL: Sure does. That means it's Friday.
Why did the belt go to jail?
It was holding up a pair of pants and made them late!
What do you call a person who's always late to the bank?
Slow interest.
What did Yoda say during his toilet break while being late for a meeting?
Time for this shit, I do not have.
Me: Sorry for being late, I was having some computer issues.
Boss: Hard drive?
Me: No, the commute was fine. It was my laptop.
What did the guy who got fired for always being late say?
It was just a matter of time.
