Fruit jokes (31 to 45)Jokes about fruits. These are the jokes listed 31 to 45. |
20 of the most groan-worthy Dad jokes
What do you call a bear with no socks on?
Bare foot.
What button is impossible to unbutton?
The belly button.
What did Michael Jackson call his denim store?
Billie Jeans.
What is invisible and smells of worms?
A bird's fart.
What do you call a Minecraft celebration?
A block party.
Who is the best Kung Fu vegetable?
Brocco-Lee.
What do you call a rabbit who is angry over getting burnt?
A hot cross bunny.
What did the butt say to the other butt?
PTTTTT.
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road?
He got stuck in a crack.
What's round and sounds like a trumpet?
A crumpet.
What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?
A dino‐SNORE.
What do you call a man with a spade on his head?
Dug.
What kind of hair do they sell at IHOP?
Eggstensions.
What do you call an Asian man who always has correct change?
Exact Lee.
What do you call an apple that farts?
A fruity Tooty.
What is the best day to cook?
FRY-DAY.
What did the horse say when it fell?
GIDDYUP!
What do you receive when you ask a lemon to help?
Lemon aid
Why can’t you give Elsa a balloon?
Because she will let it go.
17 Dad jokes and puns for Father's day
Third Sunday of June is Father's Day. Check out Jokes for Father's Day to share with your father.
Cowboys hung lanterns from their saddles at night,
It's the first example of Saddle Light Navigation...
Prison may be just one word to you.
But to others, it’s a whole sentence
Why did the kids think a blanket was the perfect Father's Day gift?
They thought dad was the coolest.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
How do dads like their steak on Father's Day?
On a plate.
Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?
If they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist?
It lost its filling.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick.
Did I tell you I ordered both a chicken and an egg from Amazon?
I'll let you know.
Did I tell you I dreamt about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night?
Turns out it was just a Fanta sea.
You know why you should avoid the new Lego store when it opens tomorrow?
People will be lined up for blocks. I don't have a dad bod.
It's a father figure.
There's something about those trees I just don't trust.
They seem kind of shady.
My wife laughed when I said I could make a car out of macaroni.
You should've seen her face when I drove pasta!
I used to play piano by ear
but now I use my hands.
You did a grape job
raisin me, dad.
Dad, you're a real
fungi.
Gin Jokes - to celebrate World Gin Day
Second Saturday in June is World Gin Day. Celebrate it with short jokes
They say gin can damage your short-term memory.
If that's the case, just imagine what gin can do.
I love water -
especially when it's frozen in cubes and surrounded by gin.
An Oxford comma walks into a bar -
and orders a gin, and tonic.
I tried to say no to gin -
but it's 42.5% stronger than me
A true friend reaches for your hand …
and puts a glass of gin in it.
Charles Dickens: A martini please.
Bartender: Olive or twist?
A gorilla goes up to a bar and asks for a gin and tonic.
The bartender makes the G&T and says: "That'll be £20 - and I must say we don't get many gorillas in here."
The gorilla replies: "With prices like that, I'm not surprised."
Woman: I love you.
Man: Is that you or the gin talking?
Woman: It's me talking to the gin.
Don't cry over spilt milk:
it could have been gin.
My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin.
Then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass
"Trust me you can dance."
- Gin
PLEASE DRINK GIN RESPONSIBLY.
Don't spill it.
Neutron: How much is a G&T?
Bartender: For you - no charge.
I'm on a gin and tonic diet:
I lost three days last week.
45 clean romantic Knock knock jokes
1. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you, and I can't wait to get to know you better!
2. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce go on a date and make some memories together!
3. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Honeydew.
Honeydew who?
Honeydew you want to go out with me?
4. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Amour.
Amour who?
Amour than happy to have met you!
5. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Kiss.
Kiss who?
Kiss me if I'm wrong, but dinosaurs still exist, right?
6. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Sugar.
Sugar who?
Sugar, I'm falling for you!
7. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Charming.
Charming who?
Charming to meet you. Can I take you out for dinner?
8. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Berry.
Berry who?
Berry nice to meet you. Can I have your number?
9. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Cupid.
Cupid who?
Cupid called. He wants his arrow back because I've fallen for you!
10. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Fella.
Fella who?
Fella madly in love with you!
11. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Wanda.
Wanda who?
Wanda hang out with me this weekend?
12. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Romeo.
Romeo who?
Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo? Just kidding, let's go out!
13. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Apple.
Apple who?
Apple-ogize for taking up your time, but can I take you out?
14. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Cuddle.
Cuddle who?
Cuddle me close, and let's have a fantastic time!
15. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Prince.
Prince who?
Prince Charming has finally arrived, and he's asking you out!
16. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo, who?
Don't cry, babe, it's just me!
17. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you, and I can't wait to hold you tight!
18. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce snuggle up and watch our favorite movie together!
19. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Honeydew.
Honeydew who?
Honeydew you know how much I love you?
20. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Sweetie.
Sweetie who?
Sweetie, you make my heart skip a beat!
21. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Sugar.
Sugar who?
Sugar, you're the sweetest thing in my life!
22. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Darling.
Darling who?
Darling, you light up my world!
23. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Berry.
Berry who?
Berry in love with you, my darling!
24. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Cupid.
Cupid who?
Cupid struck me with love the moment I met you!
25. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Baby.
Baby who?
Baby, you complete me!
26. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Angel.
Angel who?
Angel, you're the one I've been waiting for!
27. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Juliet.
Juliet who?
Juliet, I can't stop thinking about you!
28. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Apple.
Apple who?
Apple of my eye, you're the one for me!
29. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Cuddle.
Cuddle who?
Cuddle me close, my love!
30. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Princess.
Princess who?
Princess, you're the queen of my heart!
31. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce cuddle up and create a cozy paradise of love!
32. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you, and I can't wait to explore a world of adventures with you!
33. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Sugar.
Sugar who?
Sugar, you're my sweet addiction, and I can't get enough of you!
34. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Baby.
Baby who?
Baby, you light up my world like nobody else!
35. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Berry.
Berry who?
Berry lucky to have you by my side, my love!
36. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Cupid.
Cupid who?
Cupid shot an arrow, and it struck my heart when I met you!
37. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Mystery.
Mystery who?
Mystery deepens when I think of you, and I'm excited to uncover it together!
38. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Prince.
Prince who?
Prince Charming might be a fairy tale, but you're my real-life prince!
39. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Flirt.
Flirt who?
Flirt with me forever, and let's keep the spark alive!
40. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Angel.
Angel who?
Angel, you bring heaven into my life, and I'm grateful for every moment with you!
41. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Daisy.
Daisy who?
Daisy, you make me smile every day, and I'm so lucky to have you!
42. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Romeo.
Romeo who?
Romeo couldn't resist knocking on your heart, and I'm here to stay!
43. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Echo.
Echo who?
Echo, you've captured my heart, and your love echoes through my soul!
44. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Sunshine.
Sunshine who?
Sunshine, you brighten up my world, and I'm forever grateful for you!
45. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Dream.
Dream who?
Dream, you're the one I've been waiting for, and being with you is a dream come true!
12 pirate jokes
1. Why is pirating so addictive?
Because once you lose yer first hand, you get hooked!
2. Why don't pirates shower before they walk the plank?
Because they'll wash up on shore later.
3. How do you save a dying pirate?
You give him CPARRRRR.
4. What happened when Bluebeard fell overboard in the Red Sea?
He got marooned.
5. Why do pirates suck at card games?
Because they always stand on the deck.
6. What did the pirate wear on Halloween?
A pumpkin patch.
7. A pirate goes to the doctor to have the spots on his arm examined. The doctor says: "They're benign."
The pirate replies: "No, no, doc, there be 11. I counted them before I came here."
8. Why'd the pirate go to the Apple store?
He needed a new iPatch!
9. Where can you find a pirate who has lost his wooden legs?
Right where ye left him.
10. What do ye call a pirate with two eyes and two legs?
A rookie.
11. What do you call a pirate with no arms and no legs?
An expert.
12. What does a vegan pirate have on its shoulder?
A carrot!
Happy Friday with fresh new jokes
I poured root beer in a square glass.Now I just have beer.
Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?
They always take things literally.
A traveling salesman offered me a deal on a coffin
I told him that's the last thing I need
Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road.
I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?"
I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday.
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
Yesterday, I farted in the Apple Store and everyone got upset at me.
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows…
San Francisco isn't just funny,
It's hill areas.
Jokes to Impress Girlfriend
What did the barista say to their crush?
I like you a latte.
If you were a phone from Apple, then you would be called iGorgeous.
Are you a parking ticket?
Because you've got fine written all over you.
You are hotter than the bottom of my laptop after I have been binge-watching Netflix.
What did one raspberry say to the other?
I love you berry much.
Is your name Wi-Fi?
Because I feel a connection.
What did the magnet say to the fridge?
You're attractive.
Can I borrow a kiss from you?
I promise you that I will give it back.
Wait! Before you cast those dreamy eyes on me, I want to get my maps and GPS ready.
Okay, go!
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you stunning!
I believe in following my dreams.
Can I have your Instagram?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Cheese.
Cheese who?
Cheese, you're awfully cute!
My therapist and I have been trying to figure out why I seem to have lost my mind.
Then I realized that it's all your fault.
I'm crazy for you.
Are you going to kiss me or do I have to lie to my diary?
What do you call two birds in love?
Tweet-hearts!
What did the calculator say to the pen?
You can always count on me!
Why did the Melons get married in a church?
Because they cantaloupe.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you! Somebody call the cops because it's got to be illegal to look that good!
What did the squirrel say to its lover?
I'm nuts for you!
Now, what's on the menu?
Me-n-u
Why shouldn't you break up with a goalie?
Because they're a keeper.
What did the two prunes call their dinner plans?
A date.
Can I take a picture of you so Santa knows what I want for Christmas?
Do you have a name or can I just call you mine?
They say kissing is a love language.
Do you want to start a conversation?
You must be a banana because you're very a-peeling.
I know you're busy today, but can you add me to your to-do list?
Ouch! I must have scraped my knee falling for you.
Are you the sun?
Because my whole world revolves around you.
Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I pass by you again?
I'm no photographer, but I can picture us together.
[Sneeze as you walk by them] Oh no need to bless me.
God already did by putting you in my life.
Do I know you?
Because you look a lot like my next girlfriend.
Hey.
I'm an unemployed guy with a certificate in cuddling, a diploma in caring, and a degree in kissing.
Do you have a job for me?
Stomach problems
A man goes to the doctor complaining about stomach problems, and he asks him what he's been eating.
"I only eat pool balls," he says. "Red ones for breakfast, orange and yellow ones for lunch, blue for afternoon snacks, and black and purple for dinner."
"I see the problem," says the doctor. "You're not getting enough greens."
Few new jokes to make Monday more tolerable
Today I saw a burglar breaking into his own house.
Guess he was working from home.
What did the tree say to the new spring flower?
I'm rooting for you.
- Why don't flowers like to ride bicycles?
Because they keep losing their petals!
- What did one spring chicken say to the other?
You are eggcellent!
- What falls, but never needs a bandage?
The rain!
- Why do oranges wear sunscreen? So they don't peel.
Yesterday, I watched our wedding video in reverse.
It was quite uplifting to see myself removing the ring from my wife's finger, exiting the church, and heading out for drinks with my closest buddies.
35 safe short jokes and puns
1. Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself?
Because it was two-tired!
2. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
A thesaurus!
3. Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole-in-one!
4. Why did the picture go to jail?
Because it was framed!
5. What do you call a group of musical whales?
An orca-stra!
6. What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!
7. Why did the math book look sad?
Because it had too many problems!
8. What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work?
A can’t opener!
9. How do you catch a squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a nut!
10. What is the skeleton’s favorite musical instrument?
A trombone!
11. Why couldn’t the pony sing a lullaby?
She was a little horse!
12. Why was the belt arrested?
For holding up a pair of pants!
13. How do you organize a space party?
You planet!
14. Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
Because it felt crummy!
15. What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back?
A stick!
16. What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?
Bison!
17. Why did the chicken go to the seance?
To get to the other side!
18. What do you call a snobbish criminal going downstairs?
A condescending con descending!
19. How does a train eat?
It goes chew-chew!
20. Why don’t oysters donate to charity?
Because they’re shellfish!
21. What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef!
22. What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt!
23. Why did the scarecrow become a motivational speaker?
Because he always found a way to lift people’s crops!
24. What do you call a nosy pepper?
Jalapeño business!
25. How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it!
26. Why did the crab never share?
Because he was shellfish!
27. What do you get when you cross a computer and a lifeguard?
A screensaver!
28. Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t peeling well!
29. What do you call a cow that can play an instrument?
A moosician!
30. What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?
Arrrrrrrr!
31. Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide!
32. What do you call a dog that can do magic?
A Labracadabrador!
33. What did the big flower say to the little flower?
Hi, bud!
34. What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roamin’ Catholic!
35. What did the traffic light say to the car?
Don’t look, I’m changing!!
Broccoli
A man was stocking produce at the grocery store when a woman approached, asking, "Excuse me, where's the broccoli? I can't seem to find it."
He replied, "I apologize, ma'am, we're out of broccoli today. We'll have more tomorrow morning."
Resuming his work, he was arranging oranges when the same woman tapped his shoulder and inquired again, "Where's the broccoli? Do you have any?"
He patiently responded, "No, ma'am, we're still out of broccoli. We'll have some tomorrow morning."
Moments later, the woman confronted him once more, demanding, "Why can't I find any broccoli? Where is it?"
The man said, "Please indulge me for a moment. How do you spell 'cat' as in 'catastrophic'?"
She answered, "C-A-T."
He continued, "How do you spell 'dog' as in 'dogmatic'?"
She replied, "D-O-G."
Then he asked, "How do you spell 'fu*k' as in 'broccoli'?"
Puzzled, she said, "There is no 'fu*k' in broccoli."
He exclaimed, "THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU, LADY!"
International Bat Appreciation Day Joke
Today is International Bat Appreciation Day! Find a joke about it!
What is a bats favorite TV show?
Love at first bite.
What does a vampire use to bake cakes?
Batter.
What’s printed in the newspapers when a vampire dies?
An obatuary.
What did the bat do when he didn’t know the answer to the teacher‘s question?
He winged it.
How does a bat say hi to her mum?
With a sound wave.
Why do bats live in caves?
Because they rock.
What’s a vampire bat’s favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
How do bats do the register at school?
In alpha-bat-ical order.
What animals are best at cricket?
Bats.
What do little bats eat?
Alpha-bat soup.
#internationalbatappreciationday
Carrot jokes
It is International Carrot Day! Have a carrot!
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
Why did the carrot get an award?
Because it was outstanding in its field!
Why do carrots never start a fight?
Because they always turnip the beet!
What do you call a carrot that insults other vegetables?
A veggie-taunter!
Crayon jokes and puns
Today is National Crayon Day! Have some fun with crayons.
Crayons are just like M&Ms...
They taste the same no matter what colour they are.
I heard in the news that thay've found harmful materials in cosmetics and childrens crayons, but in the defense of the big corporations...
They're doing asbestos they can.
My wife accused me of being unsympathetic and not listening, so I bought her a GI Joe coloring book...
Now she'll always have a soldier to crayon.
Fill out job applications in crayon...
...and if you don’t get hired, just blame it on your color.
I just can't draw blood
With this orange crayon...
It isn't sharp enough.
This orange does not taste right...
I think I'm gonna put it back in the crayon box.
