Mother jokes (31 to 45)Jokes about mothers. These are the jokes listed 31 to 45. |
8 short dad jokes to make you laugh
mom:Do you think we’re made of money?
daughter: Isn’t that what MOM stands for?
I wanted to get rid of my old knackered flat screen tv that doesn't work anymore.
The council said they would charge me £27.00 to collect it and dispose of it.
Instead, I paid £7.50 and booked an online courier to collect it and deliver to somebody I don't like!
In my last job my wages were paid in vegetables.
I left because i was unhappy with the celery.
It was a very moving ceremony.
Even the cake is in tiers.
So, today, I told my team about the importance of dried grapes.
It’s all about raisin awareness.
Yeah. I was in a Zoom meeting when I told that joke and they didn’t laugh either.
It turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
My mum told me that I can’t drive a car made of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.
Why are Catholics so upbeat after church gatherings?
Because they convert Mass into energy.
World Chocolate Day Jokes
July 7th is World Chocolate Day! Find some jokes about it!
Why did the chocolate chip cookie cry? Because his mom was a wafer too long!
What fruit loves chocolate?
A cocoa-nut.
There are two types of people in this world:
People who love chocolate and liars.
What is the opposite of Chocolate?
Chocoearly.
What Christmas carol do candy bars sing?
Almond Joy To The World.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist?
Because it lost its filling!
Did you hear about the love affair between Mr. Goodbar and Peppermint Patty?
They had a Babe Ruth.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there? Candy boy. Candy boy who? Candy boy have another piece of chocolate?
What did the M&M go to college?
Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
What does it do before it rains candy?
It sprinkles!
Once there were two chocolate bunnies and one had his ear bitten off.
One said “Happy Easter!” What did the other one say? “Huh?”
I opened a Mars bar once.
I discovered martians love gin.
Life is like a box of chocolates…
Mostly disappointing.
A seven-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar. The man sitting next to him looks over and says, “Eating that many chocolate bars are bad for you.”
The boy looks over and responds, “My great grandfather lived to be 105.” The man replies, “And he ate that much chocolate?” “No,” says the boy. “But he minded his own business.”
What do you call a cow with a stutter that makes chocolate milk?
Cacao.
Why did the chocolate bar go to the dentist?
He had a chip in his tooth.
Why is a Toblerone triangular?
So it fits in the box.
International Kissing Day Jokes
July 6th is International Kissing Day! Find out some jokes about it!
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and be glad that you're alive?
Apparently, I did and won’t be allowed on Hawaiian Airlines again...
Why was the computer cold?
It left its Windows open! (It's not related to kissing but it's hard to tell a joke about kissing that isn't a pun!);
He said he would kiss me or die in the attempt.
Well?
He has no life-insurance, and I pitied his poor old mother.
The problem with kissing a perfect 10
… is how cold the mirror feels on your lips
International Joke Day Jokes
International Joke Day, celebrated on July 1 every year, is an occasion to crack a joke or two with your friends and family.
Find funny short jokes here!
1. Why did the scarecrow win a Nobel prize?
Because she was outstanding in her field.
2. How do you know when a bike is thinking?
You can see their wheels turning.
3. Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7,8,9.
4. What goes up and down but doesn’t move?
The staircase.
5. What kind of shoes do frogs love?
Open-toad!
6. How did the baby tell his mom he had a wet diaper?
He sent her a pee-mail.
7. What is a witch’s favorite subject in school?
Spelling.
8. What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.
9. Why do ducks always pay with cash?
Because they always have bills!
10. How did Benjamin Franklin feel holding his kite when he discovered electricity?
Shocked!
11. Which superhero hits home runs?
Batman!
12. What’s Thanos’ favorite app on his phone?
Snapchat.
13. Sandy’s mum has four kids; North, West, East. What is the name of the fourth child?
Sandy, obviously!
14. What is a room with no walls?
A mushroom.
15. Why did the blue jay get in trouble at school?
For tweeting on a test!
16. What social events do spiders love to attend?
Webbings.
17. What did one pickle say to the other?
Dill with it.
18. What is brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on vacation.
19. Why is a football stadium always cold?
It has lots of fans!
20. What did one math book say to the other?
“I’ve got so many problems.”
21. What did the Dalmatian say after lunch?
That hit the spot!
22. What do you call two bananas on the floor?
Slippers.
23. Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
24. Why do ducks have feathers on their tails?
To cover their butt quacks.
25. How does a vampire start a letter?
“Tomb it may concern…”
26. A plane crashed in the jungle and every single person died. Who survived?
Married couples.
27. What kind of math do birds love?
Owl-gebra!
28. Why can’t you ever tell a joke around glass?
It could crack up.
29. What do you call a Star Wars droid that takes the long way around?
R2 detour.
30. How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
You rocket.
31. When does a joke become a “dad” joke?
When the punchline is a parent.
32. How much did the man sell his dead batteries for?
Nothing, they were free of charge!
Scared Dad
Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat.
The first kid says, "My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed."
The second kid replies,"Yeah? Well, that's nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with the lady next door."
Another 14 Dad jokes, be ready for Father's Day
Get your Dad jokes ready on time! Third Sunday of June is Father's Day, have fun with these!
1. Scientists say that one day, it may be possible to live on Mars.
I tried it for a month, gained nearly 3 stone in weight and developed type 2 diabetes!
2. I think I want a job cleaning mirrors.
I could really see myself doing it.
3. What did the kid Pirate say to the Mom Pirate?
Arrrn’t you glad you met Dad?
4. How do astronomers organise a party?
They planet!
5. I made a soup entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…
It was a broth of fresh air!
6. When does a regular joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
7. It wasn’t much fun when I broke my neck last year.
But now I can look back and laugh.
8. Anyone remember that chiropractor joke I shared?
It was about a weak back.
9. I recently visited the "World's Tiniest Wind Turbine" exhibit.
Honestly, not a big fan.
10. I can’t bring my dog to the pond anymore. The ducks keep attacking him.
Guess that’s what I get for getting a pure bread dog.
11. I only seem to get sick on weekdays.
I must have a weekend immune system.
12. What did the triangle say to the circle?
You’re pointless.
13. Hey, Dad, did you get a haircut?
Nope, I got them all cut
14. Where do pigs like to relax?
In hammocks
Letter to a Nosey Mom
A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter over the bed. With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercing and tattoos and his big motorcycle.
But is not only that mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams.
I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and for his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we may want.
In the meantime, we'll pray for the science to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it.
Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit, so you can know your grandchildren.
Your daughter,
Judith
PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than the school's report card that's in my desk's drawer...I love you!
17 Kangaroo jokes to celebrate Hug an Australian Day
What do stylish kangaroos wear?
Jumpsuits
What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo?
“Hop on!”
What animal jumps when it walks and sits when it stands?
A kangaroo
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite candy?
Lollihops
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo and a sheep?
A woolly good jumper
What kind of music do kangaroos listen to?
Hip-hop
What kind of music do sophisticated kangaroos listen to?
Hopera
What do drunk kangaroos play?
Hopscotch
What do you call two kangaroos who live together?
Roo-mates
Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days?
Because then the kids have to play indoors
What do you get when you mix an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia
A spider, a snake, and a kangaroo walk into a bar...
It’s a normal day in Australia
A kangaroo is hopping around Australia
Whenever she stops, a little penguin pokes his head out of her pouch
In Antarctica, a little kangaroo is sitting with some penguins, sneezing and grumbling, “Stupid student exchange program
” A kangaroo, a dolphin, and a snake walk into a bar...
That’s all
It’s funny since none of them actually walk
Kangaroo: [dials 9-1-1] I can’t find my kids! 9-1-1: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: [pats pouch] Oh...
nevermind
30 Earth Day Jokes! Celebrate Earth Day of 2023
April 22nd is Earth Day! Take care of earth!
1. Why did the leaf go to the doctor?
It was feeling green.
2. Why are people always tired on Earth Day?
Because they just finished a March.
3. How can you tell the ocean is friendly?
It waves.
4. Why is grass so dangerous?
Because it’s full of blades.
5. Why did the sun go to school?
To get brighter.
6. How do you cut a wave in half?
Use a sea saw.
7. What did the tree wear to the pool party?
Swimming trunks.
8. What did the ground say to the earthquake?
You crack me up!
9. What kind of shorts to clouds wear?
Thunderwear!
10. Why do tornadoes zigzag?
They’re dizzy.
11. Why did the woman go outdoors with her purse open?
Because she expected some change in the weather.
12. What’s the difference between weather and climate?
You can’t weather a tree, but you can climate.
13. What kind of plant grow on your hand?
Palm tree.
14. What happens when it rains cats and dogs?
You have to been careful not to step in a poodle.
15. What is a tree’s least favorite month?
Sep-timber!
16. What’s the biggest moth in the world?
A mammoth!
17. What did the little tree say to the big tree?
Leaf me alone!
18. Did you hear about the power plant that was bad for the environment all year?
He got coal for Christmas.
19. What did one lightening bolt say to the other??
You're truly shocking!
20. Mother to son: "You shouldn't always lounge around so lazily on the couch!"
Son: "I'm doing something for the environment — I'm saving energy!
21. What is a tree’s least favorite month?
Sep-timber!
22. What did the tree wear to the pool party?
Swimming trunks.
23. How can you tell the ocean is friendly?
It waves.
24. A climate scientist and a climate change denier walk into a bar.
The denier says, nice to see you.
The climate scientist says, nice to CO2.
25. If I ride my bike twice
… does that count as RE-CYCLING?
26. "I'm vegan, by the way," says a vegan. "Oh, probably out of your love for animals?" a friend replies. "No, out of plant hatred, pure plant hatred!"
27. Freedom for the gummy bears! Away with the plastic bags!
28. What kind of bow can't be tied?
A rainbow!
29. How do hurricanes see?
With one eye!
30. My teacher wanted me to come up with a set of steps that we could use to save the environment …
So I created an Al Gore-ithm.
Right baby
A Brit, a Welsh fellow, and a Pakistani gentleman were seated in the waiting area of a local hospital's maternity ward.
A nurse appears and informs the men, "Apologies, but we have encountered a mix-up, and we're unsure which baby belongs to which mother. Could any of you assist in figuring this out?"
The British man rises to the occasion and offers his help. He enters the ward and, after a short while, emerges holding a baby who is clearly of Pakistani descent. The Pakistani man stands up, exclaiming, "What do you think you're doing?!"
To which the British man replies, "Look, one of those babies is Welsh, I'm not taking any chances!"
