Mother jokes (31 to 45)Jokes about mothers. These are the jokes listed 31 to 45. |
Scared Dad
Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat.
The first kid says, "My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed."
The second kid replies,"Yeah? Well, that's nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with the lady next door."
Another 14 Dad jokes, be ready for Father's Day
Get your Dad jokes ready on time! Third Sunday of June is Father's Day, have fun with these!
1. Scientists say that one day, it may be possible to live on Mars.
I tried it for a month, gained nearly 3 stone in weight and developed type 2 diabetes!
2. I think I want a job cleaning mirrors.
I could really see myself doing it.
3. What did the kid Pirate say to the Mom Pirate?
Arrrn’t you glad you met Dad?
4. How do astronomers organise a party?
They planet!
5. I made a soup entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…
It was a broth of fresh air!
6. When does a regular joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
7. It wasn’t much fun when I broke my neck last year.
But now I can look back and laugh.
8. Anyone remember that chiropractor joke I shared?
It was about a weak back.
9. I recently visited the "World's Tiniest Wind Turbine" exhibit.
Honestly, not a big fan.
10. I can’t bring my dog to the pond anymore. The ducks keep attacking him.
Guess that’s what I get for getting a pure bread dog.
11. I only seem to get sick on weekdays.
I must have a weekend immune system.
12. What did the triangle say to the circle?
You’re pointless.
13. Hey, Dad, did you get a haircut?
Nope, I got them all cut
14. Where do pigs like to relax?
In hammocks
Letter to a Nosey Mom
A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter over the bed. With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercing and tattoos and his big motorcycle.
But is not only that mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams.
I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and for his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we may want.
In the meantime, we'll pray for the science to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it.
Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit, so you can know your grandchildren.
Your daughter,
Judith
PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than the school's report card that's in my desk's drawer...I love you!
17 Kangaroo jokes to celebrate Hug an Australian Day
What do stylish kangaroos wear?
Jumpsuits
What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo?
“Hop on!”
What animal jumps when it walks and sits when it stands?
A kangaroo
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite candy?
Lollihops
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo and a sheep?
A woolly good jumper
What kind of music do kangaroos listen to?
Hip-hop
What kind of music do sophisticated kangaroos listen to?
Hopera
What do drunk kangaroos play?
Hopscotch
What do you call two kangaroos who live together?
Roo-mates
Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days?
Because then the kids have to play indoors
What do you get when you mix an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia
A spider, a snake, and a kangaroo walk into a bar...
It’s a normal day in Australia
A kangaroo is hopping around Australia
Whenever she stops, a little penguin pokes his head out of her pouch
In Antarctica, a little kangaroo is sitting with some penguins, sneezing and grumbling, “Stupid student exchange program
” A kangaroo, a dolphin, and a snake walk into a bar...
That’s all
It’s funny since none of them actually walk
Kangaroo: [dials 9-1-1] I can’t find my kids! 9-1-1: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: [pats pouch] Oh...
nevermind
30 Earth Day Jokes! Celebrate Earth Day of 2023
April 22nd is Earth Day! Take care of earth!
1. Why did the leaf go to the doctor?
It was feeling green.
2. Why are people always tired on Earth Day?
Because they just finished a March.
3. How can you tell the ocean is friendly?
It waves.
4. Why is grass so dangerous?
Because it’s full of blades.
5. Why did the sun go to school?
To get brighter.
6. How do you cut a wave in half?
Use a sea saw.
7. What did the tree wear to the pool party?
Swimming trunks.
8. What did the ground say to the earthquake?
You crack me up!
9. What kind of shorts to clouds wear?
Thunderwear!
10. Why do tornadoes zigzag?
They’re dizzy.
11. Why did the woman go outdoors with her purse open?
Because she expected some change in the weather.
12. What’s the difference between weather and climate?
You can’t weather a tree, but you can climate.
13. What kind of plant grow on your hand?
Palm tree.
14. What happens when it rains cats and dogs?
You have to been careful not to step in a poodle.
15. What is a tree’s least favorite month?
Sep-timber!
16. What’s the biggest moth in the world?
A mammoth!
17. What did the little tree say to the big tree?
Leaf me alone!
18. Did you hear about the power plant that was bad for the environment all year?
He got coal for Christmas.
19. What did one lightening bolt say to the other??
You're truly shocking!
20. Mother to son: "You shouldn't always lounge around so lazily on the couch!"
Son: "I'm doing something for the environment — I'm saving energy!
21. What is a tree’s least favorite month?
Sep-timber!
22. What did the tree wear to the pool party?
Swimming trunks.
23. How can you tell the ocean is friendly?
It waves.
24. A climate scientist and a climate change denier walk into a bar.
The denier says, nice to see you.
The climate scientist says, nice to CO2.
25. If I ride my bike twice
… does that count as RE-CYCLING?
26. "I'm vegan, by the way," says a vegan. "Oh, probably out of your love for animals?" a friend replies. "No, out of plant hatred, pure plant hatred!"
27. Freedom for the gummy bears! Away with the plastic bags!
28. What kind of bow can't be tied?
A rainbow!
29. How do hurricanes see?
With one eye!
30. My teacher wanted me to come up with a set of steps that we could use to save the environment …
So I created an Al Gore-ithm.
Right baby
A Brit, a Welsh fellow, and a Pakistani gentleman were seated in the waiting area of a local hospital's maternity ward.
A nurse appears and informs the men, "Apologies, but we have encountered a mix-up, and we're unsure which baby belongs to which mother. Could any of you assist in figuring this out?"
The British man rises to the occasion and offers his help. He enters the ward and, after a short while, emerges holding a baby who is clearly of Pakistani descent. The Pakistani man stands up, exclaiming, "What do you think you're doing?!"
To which the British man replies, "Look, one of those babies is Welsh, I'm not taking any chances!"
Top 22 dad jokes, voted by kids
1. Why did the crab never share?
Because he’s shellfish.
2. Did you hear the rumour about butter?
Well, I’m not going to spread it!
3. What do you call a man who can’t stand?
Neil.
4. I wouldn’t buy anything with velcro.
It’s a total rip-off!
5. Dad, did you get a haircut?
No, I got them all cut.
6. I keep trying to lose weight...
but it keeps finding me.
7. What do you call a bear without any teeth?
A gummy bear!
8. Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
He couldn’t see himself doing it.
9. You know what the loudest pet you can get is?
A trumpet.
10. Why can’t T-Rexs clap their hands?
Because they are extinct.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day...
but I couldn’t find any.
12. Why did the picture go to jail?
Because it was framed.
13. Have you ever tried to eat a clock?
Its very time-consuming.
14. What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
15. What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two!
16. How do you cut the ocean in half?
With a sea-saw.
17. I don’t trust stairs.
They’re always up to something.
18. Why did the tomato blush?
Because it saw the salad dressing.
19. Where do you learn to make ice cream?
Sundae school.
20. What do you call a small mother?
A minimum.
21.Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself?
It was two tired
22.Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re so good at it.
Dog playing piano
It is World Piano Day!
A man walks into a bar with a small dog under his arm and sits down at the counter, placing the dog on the stool next to him. The bartender says, "Sorry, pal. No dogs allowed."
The man says, "But this is a special dog – he plays the piano!"
The bartender replies, "Well, if he can play that piano, you both can stay... and have a drink on the house!"
So the man puts the dog on the piano stool, and the dog starts playing. Ragtime, Mozart... and then he plays some rock 'n' roll. The bartender and patrons are amazed.
Suddenly, a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and drags him out. The bartender asks the man, "What was that all about?"
The man replies, "Oh, that was his mother. She wanted him to be a doctor."
Grandma's Revenge
When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"
Mom smiled and then replied....."I remember."
Trying to Please Mama
The first woman was elected U.S. president. She called her mom to make sure she was coming to the inauguration. "I don’t know, dear. What would I wear?”"Don’t worry, Mom. I’ll send a designer to help you.”"But you know I need special foods for my diet.”"Mom, I’m going to the president. I can get you the food you need.”"But how will I get there?”"I’ll send a limo, Mom. Just come!”"OK, OK, if it makes you happy.”The great day came, and Mama was seated with the future cabinet members. She nudged the man on her right. “See that girl, the one with her hand on the Bible? Her brother’s a doctor!”Where Is God?
A couple had two little boys who were always getting into trouble. Their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their village, their sons were probably involved. The boys' mother heard that an elder in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her sons. The elder agreed, but asked to see them separately. So, the mother sent her youngest son first, in the morning. The elder, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response.So the elder repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the wide-eyed boy made no attempt to answer. The elder raised his voice and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into a closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him hiding, he asked, "What happened?"The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing, and they think WE did it!" Having Communion
Little Johnny was in church when the wine and wafers were passed out. His mother leaned over and told him that he was not old enough to partake in the Communion.
When the basket was passed around she leaned over once again to tell him to drop his money in, but Little Johnny held his dollar firmly in his hand, stating...
"If I don't eat, I don't pay!"
