Redneck jokes (181 to 195)

Pet Fish

A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central Mississippi recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin ' a cove well-known for its fishing.
r> The game warden asked the man, ' Do you have a license to catch those fish? '
r> ' Naw, sir ' , replied the redneck. ' I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish. '
r> ' Pet fish? '
r> ' Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let ' em swim ' round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take ' em home. '
r> ' That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that. '
r> The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, ' It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works. '
r> ' O. K.. ' , said the warden. ' I've got to see this! '
r> The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
r> After several minutes, the warden says, ' Well? '
r> ' Well, what? ' , says the redneck.
r> The warden says, ' When are you going to call them back? '
r> ' Call who back? '
r> ' The FISH ' , replied the warden!
r> ' What fish? ' , replied the redneck.
r> Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.
r>

You Might Be A Redneck If 63

You might be a reneck if...
You just bought your family their lst Atari game system.
You and your wife celebrate your anniversay at the K-mart cafeteria.
You think the only tools "real men" need are duck tape and caulk, and you have sucessful repair projects to prove it.
You've tried to quote Jeff Foxworthy and screwed it up.
You name your car the General Lee.
You see a sign that says "bridge out" and you try to jump it.
You go to your local pet shop for a cat scan.
Warp drive describes the condition of your car.
Your smoke detector doubles as your dinner bell.
You go to the dentist for a "Tooth Cleaning".

The Jury

A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.
The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.
After the trial, the brother went to the redneck's home, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.
The redneck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him go.

You might be a redneck if 52

You might be a redneck if...

You list your parole officer as a reference.

There are more fish on your wall than pictures.

Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.

There are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.

You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient in soup.

You've ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.

Your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped.

Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.

You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.

You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.

You Might Be A Redneck If 39

You might be a redneck if...
One of the options on your truck is a spitoon.
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."
You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this."
You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'

A gas station in Mississippi w...

A gas station in Mississippi was trying to increase its sales so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up."

Soon a local "redneck" pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), if he guessed correctly, he would get his Free sex.

The buyer then guessed (8), the proprietor said,
"You were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up, again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed (2) this time, again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."

Bubba replied, "No tain't, Billy Ray, it's not rigged-my wife won twice last week."

Redneck Love

Clem drove his pickup alongside the road and showed his buddy Jed where he’d first made love.
"It was right down there by that thar tree. I remember it plain as day. It was a warm summer day." We was madly in love. We made our way down to that thar tree and made love fer hours," explained Clem.
"That sounds amazing," exclaimed Jed.
"Yep, it was goin’ real good until I looked up and saw her momma standing right there watching us."
"Damn, what did her momma say when she saw you was makin’ love to her daughter?"
"Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah"

Redneck Divorce

Q: What do a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common?
A: In the end, someone is going to lose a trailer.

The Redneck Truckers #joke #humor

Zek and Luke went to a trucking company to apply for a "Team" truck driving job. The personnel manager decided, after talking to them both that they weren't the sharpest knives in the drawer. He decides to interview them separately. He first interviews Zek. After 15 minutes he completes the interview. Zek barely passes. Next he interviews Luke. He begins by asking the usual transportation related questions. Luke also barely passes.

The personnel manager next interview them together. He presents them with this potential problem: Now Zek and Luke, lets say that you two are a driving team. One of you is driving the rig and the other is asleep in the back. You are going down this very steep hill with sixty thousand pounds of steel on the truck. All of a sudden your breaks go out and your speed is increasing. What would be the first thing you'd do?

About a minute passes and there was no answer. Then, all of a sudden Luke spoke up.

"I know, I know, I know the first thing I'd do". The personnel manager says "yes Luke, what is the first thing you'd do?" Luke says, "I'd wake Zek up." The personnel manager replies, "WHAT ! Why would wake Zek up?"

Coos, says Luke, "He ain't never seen no big accident before!"

You might be a redneck if 74

You might be a reneck if...

You re-use dental floss to save money.

You've ever drunk mouthwash just because you're too lazy to walk down to the liquor store.

Your homecoming basketball game was rained out.

Your baseball bat "ain't never been used on a ball, but it's sure hit plenty of other things."

You've ever shot a mouse inside your home. You might be a redneck Jedi if...

Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color.

You have ever used your lightsaber to open a bottle of Jack Daniel's.

You think the best use of your lightsaber is picking your teeth.

At least one wing of your X-Wing is Bondo colored.

There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder.

Rednecks at School

You can tell when youre a Redneck when you walk with your son to school because youre in the same grade.

Redneck Marriage

How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There is tobacco spit stains on BOTH sides of his pickup truck.

You Might Be A Redneck If 10

You might be a redneck if...
You've ever shot a deer from inside your house.
The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!", "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin'?" (If they respond with the same... they're a redneck too!)
You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
You've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
You clean your nails with a stick.
You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
Your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included.
People are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe.
Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, ...

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.
The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock!
We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"
"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?" asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" ....
"No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch."

Redneck Logic

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.
"What's logic?" the first redneck asked.
The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"
"I sure do."
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good!" said the redneck.
The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."
Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"
The redneck was catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin'?" asked the friend.
"Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.
"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.
"No," his friend replied.
"You're queer, ain't ya?"