The best jokes (15046 to 15060)

During a funeral, the organist

During a funeral, the organist played a beautiful rendition of Bach's "Sheep May Safely Graze" as the casket was carried out of the church. After the service, the minister complimented him on his performance.
"Oh, by the way," the minister asked, "Do you know what the deceased did for a living?"
"No idea," said the organist as he began packing up.
The minister smiled, "He was a butcher."

Seeing Red

"Believe it or not, but when I see red I'm happy."
"How's that?"
"I sell sunburn remedy."

NED: Hear about my friend Stan

NED: Hear about my friend Stan, who had his penis cut off by his wife?
ED: Really! She must have been sent to prison.
NED: No, I'm afraid she was let off.
ED: Really. Why?
NED: Because – the judge ruled there was only circumcise-Stan-genital evidence!

Class Reunion

I recently went to my 30th class reunion from nursery school.
I didn't want to go because I've put on maybe 90 or 100 pounds since then.

There are vast quantities of n

There are vast quantities of natural gas held in tense grip between warring Middle Eastern Cheeks. This has led to methane-ous crimes among the rival arsetalkocracies, including the recent assgassination of the Blue Angel, leader of the Qatar people — which puts all Fartsees under a cloud of suspicion. Once the flow of blood is stenched, the factions must put this behind them and shart a new course, toot suite.

Reading the Dictionary

I was so bored the other day that I just started memorizing pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.

Trouble Sleeping

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked. 
"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."
"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."

"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

Lunch Money

Mother: "Why did you swallow the money I gave you?"
Son: "Well, you said that the money was for lunch!"

Two hunters were dragging thei

Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too.
"Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something, but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."
After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.
A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"
"Yeah, but we're getting farther from the truck," the other added.

Discount Grocery Store

My niece, Sue, plans to open a discount grocery store where everything expires in a week...
She's going to call it Best By...

Three Questions

The cop asked, "Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?"
The miner replied, "Mine."

Punning in Japanese requires l

Punning in Japanese requires lifelong dedication. It helps to have a good sensei humour.

Stop Ringing My Phone

Whoever lost their iPhone outside the bar...
Please stop ringing my new phone!

Holiday Help

"How's the new turkey you hired on as temp IT Assistant?"
"Well, she's good at de-bugging, and works for chickenfeed. But her typing is atrocious--all she can do is hunt & peck."

Come On Mister

A naked man runs into a tailor's shop.
The tailor says, "You can't be in here with no clothes on!"
The man says, "Come on mister, cut me some slacks?"