The best jokes (15211 to 15225)

Two Boll Weevils

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

Michael Ian Black: Halloween Lesson

I say to my son, What are you going to be for Halloween? He goes, Im going to be Frankenstein. And I say, OK. Halloween comes, he walks downstairs, hes got, like, an old suit jacket of mine on, old suit pants, his face is painted green.... I say, What are you supposed to be? He goes, Im Frankenstein! I said, No, youre not. You are the creature. Frankenstein was the doctor who invented the creature. Its a common literary mistake, but you just made it, my friend. Go upstairs and change.

Demetri Martin: Glitter

I like to do crafts. I work with glitter quite a bit. Dont worry, I make tough stuff like daggers and skulls. The thing about glitter is, if you get it on you, be prepared to have it on you forever cause glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

Chuck Norris is the only perso...

Chuck Norris is the only person in history to receive a Platinum Medal in the Olympics.

Parachute

Have you heard about the latest Polish parachute?

It opens on impact.

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Glaci

PREGNANT NUN

Q. HOW DO YOU GET A NUN PREGNANT? A.DRESS HER UP AS AN ALTER BOY.

Need a good condom

A huge Indian walks into a convinient store.

"I need a good condom" The cashier replies: "Here's a pretty good one. This should be fine."

The next day the Indian returns.

"Me go ugh. Wive go ugh. Condom go CAPOW!"

cashier: "Well here, try this one. It's our heavy duty condom. This can stand up to anything."

The next day the Indian returns.

"Me go ugh. Wive go ugh. Condom go CAPOW!"

cashier: "That's insane! Here try this one. It's made out of pure tire rubber. This thing could stand up to King Kong."

The next day the Indian returns.

"Me go ugh. Wive go ugh. Condom go ugh. Left nut go CAPOW!"

The Plumber Has Arrived

A lady was expecting the plumber; he was supposed to come at ten o'clock. Ten o'clock came and went; no plumber; eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock, one o'clock; no plumber.

She concluded he wasn't coming, and went out to do some errands. While she was out, the plumber arrived.

He knocked on the door; the lady's parrot, who was at home in a cage by the door, said, "Who is it?"

He replied, "It's the plumber."

He thought it was the lady who'd said, "Who is it?" and waited for her to come and let him in. When this didn't happen he knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it?"

He said, "It's the plumber!"

He waited, and again the lady didn't come to let him in. He knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it?"

He said, "It's the plumber!!!!!!!!"

Again he waited; again she didn't come; again he knocked; again the parrot said, "Who is it?"; "Aarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!!!" he said, flying into a rage; he pushed the door in and ripped it off its hinges. He suffered a heart attack and he fell dead in the doorway.

The lady came home from her errands, only to see the door ripped off its hinges and a corpse lying in the doorway, "A dead body!" she exclaimed, "Who is it?!"

The parrot said, "It's the plumber."

Lorena and Monica

Did you hear that Lorena Bobbitt and Monica Lewinsky are

opening a hair salon?

They're calling it "Cut & Blow"

Baldness...

Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things.

"Mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother.

"He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness.

Johnny thought for a second and said, "I'm glad you don't do any thinking. You would look silly without hair."

Driver Illegally Parks

A driver tucked this note under the windshield wiper of his automobile. "I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses."

When he came back he found a parking ticket and this note: "I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

End of the World Headlines

When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?

USA Today: WE'RE DEAD

The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS

National Enquirer: JON AND KATE, TOGETHER AGAIN

Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE

Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE

Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER

Wired: THE LAST NEW THING

Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR

Readers Digest: ‘BYE

Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?

Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW “ARMAGEDDON” DIET!

America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.

Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE

TIME magazine: RENEW YOUR SUBSCRIPTION FOR ETERNITY

The Jewish Samurai

There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief.
A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.
The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword. The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half.
The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces.
The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"
Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around.
The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, "Very ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead?"
The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, "Circumcision is not meant to kill."

Answering Machine Message 87

Operatic music like Rossini's "Stabbat Matter": Hi, you've reached Hell. (Screams in the background.) We're busy being cleaned by the light of eternal truth right now, so if you leave your name, number, and a brief message, we'll get back to you at the end of time.

Sister: What are you givi...

Sister: What are you giving Mom and Dad for Christmas?

Brother: A list of everything I want!