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International Asteroid Day Jokes
June 30th is International Asteroid Day! Find jokes about it!
Why did the astronaut break up with her boyfriend?
Because she said he needed space!
A spacecraft is really light, an asteroid is a little meteor.
Why did the female asteroid deny her boyfriends marriage proposal?
Because she was scared of comet-ment
They say the asteroid killed all the dinosaurs.
You could say it killed many birds with one stone.
An Asteroid Measuring 1,600 Meters Is Headed Straight Towards Earth.
That's quite the milestone! Why was Jupiter banned from competing in the planetary boxing match?
He took asteroids.
#internationalasteroidday #asteroidday
Two short jokes to get ready for Friday
My mate set me up on a blind date.
He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know. She's expecting a baby."
I felt like a right idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy!
My fat wife and I were enjoying a swim in the hotel pool, when a little boy of about five got into trouble and appeared to be drowning.
Luckily, my wife was there to save his life...
She got out to inform the lifeguard and the water level dropped enough for him to stand up!
When the President called one
When the President called one of his opponents a “flaming bag of feces” it set off a poo lit ical firestorm.Sodomy puns are sexual
Sodomy puns are sexual in ur endo.World Cotton Day Jokes
On 7th October it's World Cotton Day! Let's have some cotton-themed humor:
I’m allergic to cotton
I would take medicine for it, but I can’t get it out of the bottle
I told my kids I was gonna take them to that place with the Ferris wheel and cotton candy, but instead I took them to the dentist
They said it wasn’t fair
My teacher in workshop laughed when I said I could make a deadly knife out of cotton...
...After I sharpened the tip, he backed down saying, "I see you've made your point."
"Why is that cotton candy talking?"
"Grandma, that's Nicki Minaj"
Scientists have created a cotton plant resistant to boll weevils.
When asked about it, they replied, "It's unbollweevible."
A One Exhibit Zoo
I went to the zoo.
There was only ONE exhibit in the entire zoo.
It was a Shih Tzu.
We Don't Need No Stinkin' Dimensions
First Assistant: "So what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that everything fits?"
Person who invented the first public bathroom stall: "Ah, don't worry about that. Can't stress enough how unimportant that part is."
Rory Albanese: Least Respected Place
Im from Long Island, which is the least respected place in the world. I travel all over the country. I could be in the middle of Omaha doing something and the guy comes up to me and says, Hey, whered you grow up? Im like, Long Island. And hes like, Loser. Really? I grew up 22 miles from Manhattan; you lost your virginity to corn. I feel like I win that round. Im like, Ive seen the ocean. Game over. Chuck Norris was in the amazon...
Chuck Norris was in the amazon one day when he was bit by a vicious snake. After 3 days of pain and suffering... the snake died.Chuck Norris can slam a revolv...
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.Smell the Coffee...
A grandmother was surprised by her seven-year-old helper early one morning. He had made her coffee! She drank what was probably the worst cup of coffee in her entire life. And when she got to the bottom, to her utter amazement, there were three little green, army men in her cup.
Puzzled, she asked, "Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?"
Her grandson answered, "Grandma, you know how it says on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"
Not older...just better....
For his wife's birthday, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription:
"You are not getting older, You are getting better."
When asked how he wanted it arranged, he said, "Just put 'You are not getting older' at the top, and 'You are just getting better' at the bottom."
It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he discovered it read:
"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP, YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."
Demetri Martin: Cool Leather
I was at a party the other night, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, and I thought, That is cool. Like 10 minutes later, I saw a guy wearing a leather vest and I thought, That is not cool. Thats when I realized cool is all about leather sleeves. 
