The best jokes (17776 to 17790)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 17776 to 17790. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
Freud's patient
One of Sigmund Freud's early patients rushed out into an Austrian afternoon on her way to meet her best friend at a coffee house.
Over Cappuccino and Viennese pastries, she suddenly burst out crying.
Her friend begged her to share what was wrong.
"Oh, it's just terrible," she wailed. "Today the doctor told me I'm in love with my father, and. . .and. . .and you know, he's a married man!"
When Chuck Norris says "More c...
When Chuck Norris says "More cowbell", he MEANS it.Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidd...
Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.If Women ruled the world...
- Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.- Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.
- A man would no longer be considered a 'good catch' simply because he is breathing.
- Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.
- Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.
- 'Ms.' Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.
- Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.
- Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.
- Little girls would read 'Snow White and the Seven Hunks.'
- Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.
- Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.
- Men would learn phrases like:'I'm sorry,' 'I love you,' 'You're beautiful,' 'Of course you don't look fat in that outfit.'
- Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.
- Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their car.
- All toilet seats would be nailed down.
- Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.
- TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1 minute.
- All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator.
- During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19-year-olds.
- Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly.
- After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot.
- For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year old for six weeks.
Saint Peter (Pun)
Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter heaven. On entering they are told that they must present something "Christmassy." in order to get in.
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some pine needles from the family's Christmas tree. He is let in.
The second man presents a bow and some ribbon, from presents that were opened earlier in that night. So he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of panties. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"
To which he replies, "Oh, . . . They're Carol's."
There were three men who got s
There were three men who got stranded on an island. A group of cannibals found the three men and took them to their place in the tropical rainforest of an island.The cannibals told the three men to go in the rainforest and find ten of the same fruits each. So the three of them went into the woods to get fruits. An hour later they all came back.
The first man brought ten apples.
The Cannibals told the man to push all the apples up his ass with out crying, if he did not cry, the cannibals would let him go. The man pushed five up his ass then cried. The cannibals ate him.
The second man brought ten berries. The Cannibals told him to push all the berries up his ass without laughing, and if he didn't laugh, they would let him go. The man pushed nine up his ass then laughed. The cannibals ate him.
Up in heaven the first man asked the second man, "Why did you laugh, you were so close!"
The second man says, "I couldn't help it, the next guy came with ten pineapples."
Son with just a head
A man and his wife had a son, but the baby didn't have a body, just a head. So the man and his wife raised the head.
On the boy's 21st birthday, the man took his son out for drinks. When the boy took his first sip, he grew a torso and the whole bar lit up. The bartender seemed absolutely disgusted and the boy's father was crying.
So he drunk some more and the more he drunk, the body parts that came out. The bar was cheering, the father was crying and the bartender was still disgusted. The boy got all of his body parts and picked up his last drink with his hands.
He was so drunk that he wobbled outside into the street, got hit with a 18 wheeler and died.
Everyone was in so much shock except the bartender, who then replied: "He should have quit while he was ahead."
One day, back in the olden day
One day, back in the olden days, a cowboy was crossing the desert to do some trading and came upon an Indian. The Indian was laying on his back and had an erection that stuck straight up in the air.The cowboy asked the Indian what he was doing.
The Indian replied, "Me tell-um time." This made sense to the cowboy, he was using his penis as a sundial.
A few days later, after completing his trading, the cowboy came across the same Indian. This time the Indian was laying on his back vigorously masturbating.
The cowboy asked what he was doing this time.
The Indian said, "Me wind-um watch."
A baby polar bear goes up to h
A baby polar bear goes up to his dad and asks, "Dad, am I pure polar bear?"The dad replies, "Sure you are son. I'm all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, your mom is all polar bear, and her parents are all polar bear."
Still unsure the baby polar bear goes to his mom and asks, "Mom, am I pure polar bear?"
She answers, "Of course you are honey. I'm all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear."
Still not convinced the baby polar bear goes to his grandparents and asks, "Grandmom...Grandpop...am I all polar bear?"
His grandmother answers, "Of course you are sweetie. We're all polar bear, your mother is all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear. Why do you ask sweetie?"
The baby polar bears replies, "Because I'm f***** freezing!"
The Dog And Neutron
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
“Why was the eagle in
“Why was the eagle in handcuffs? The police thought he was a flight risk!”
