The best jokes (18466 to 18480)

I informed my grandson that ou

I informed my grandson that our cousin was coming to the swimming pool with us. He sighed, "Oh no. The H word."
Alarmed, I inquired, "The H word?"
"Yup," he answered. "Hugs!"

Nick Swardson: Quitting Marijuana

The whole first week, I thought I was psychic. I thought I had new powers all of a sudden, you know. I'd be like, 'Where are my keys? Oh, they're in my pocket.' How did I know that? Oh my gosh!

 Answering Machine Message 171

Please hang up now if you would want to speak to Johan. Otherwise, please stay on the line to leave him a message.

Blonde Game

A blonde is on a plane sleeping when the guy next to her

says, "Let's play a game." She looks at him and tells him the

she doesn't want to and she just wants to sleep, but he keeps

bugging her until she agrees.

He tells her that he will ask her a question and if she

can't answer, she owes him $5.00, then she asks him a

question and if he can't answer, he owes her $50.00. So he

asks, "Who was the last person to sign the Declaration of

Independence?"

She quietly hands over a $5 bill. She asks, "What goes up a

hill with 4 legs and down with 5? He has no idea so he gives

up and gives her $50.

The blonde turns back around and goes back to sleep.

Not 2 seconds later, he wakes her back up and asks, "What

was the answer?"

Quietly, she reaches into her purse and gives the guy a

$5.00 bill.

Redneck quickies 7

You might be a redneck if...

You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in."

Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.

Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.

You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.

You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.

The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.

You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.

The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.

Your brother-in-law is your uncle.

You entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.

Taxi Fare

A frat boy gets into the back of a cab and asks the cabbie, "Do you have enough room up there for a pizza and a six pack of beer?"

The cabbie says, "Sure." So the frat boy leans forward and throws up.

Question And Answer Blond Jokes

Q: Why does it work?
A: "Does 3 come before E, between M and W, or at the end?"
Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.
Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.
Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
A: Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.
Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: To keep from bruising their ears.
Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold.

I survived swimming in the sam...

I survived swimming in the same river as a grizzly, and now I must bear wetness.

Poverty Line

Politician wanted to (bring/uplift) poor people
living below poverty line. He thought that
simplest way will be to tie that poverty line
2 feet below from the existing level so that
those poor people can be brought up quickly
and they will be richer.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minut...

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Donald Glover: Gold Star Power

When you get called the n-word, as a black person you can do anything. Its like getting a gold star in Super Mario Brothers and junk. I hear the music when I hear the n-word. I get right into it; I get really into it. You can do anything. You could be in a fancy restaurant -- just start throwing poop at the walls. People be like, What are you doing? Someone called him the n-word.

Chuck Norris invented water....

Chuck Norris invented water.

Daniel Tosh: Saw Myself Naked

Saw myself naked in front of a mirror a couple days ago -- thats not the joke, thats what we called the setup. I saw myself naked, and I said, Holy cow, Im The White Man. Ive heard a lot of bad things about you, cracka.

dumb blondes

10 blondes and 1 brunette were mountain climbing one day. so they were climbing and they got into trouble at a spot one of them had to give up there life so they could continue on so the brunette said i'll do it so you girls can go on so she jumped to the jagged rocks below (ouch) the dumb blondes felt sorry for the brunette so they jumped of to

THE END

Scary Collection 29

A ghost joke
How do undertakers speak?
Gravely!

A vampire joke
What do vampires think of blood transfusions?
Newfangled rubbish!

A ghost joke
What did the polite ghost say to her son?
Don't spook until your spooken to!

A ghost joke
What do ghosts eat for dinner?
Ghoulash!

A cannibal joke
What happened if you upset a cannibal?
You get into hot water!

A cannibal joke
Why don't cannibals like to eat Carl Lewis?
He gives them runs!

A ghost joke
What do ghouls do when they're in hospital?
They talk about their apparitions!