The best jokes (13231 to 13245)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 13231 to 13245. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
Hunter Shot By Fox
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Hunter Shot to Death By a Fox, Belgrade, Associated Press
A fox shot and killed a 38-year-old hunter in central Yugoslavia, the official Yugoslav news agency Tanjug reported yesterday.
Salih Hajdur, a farmer from the village of Gornje Hrasno in the Republic of Bosnia-Hercegovina, went to a nearby forest Sunday to shoot a fox, Tanjug said.
Hajdur wounded a fox in the leg, the agency said, but to spare the skin he did not fire again. Instead, he hit the animal with his refle butt. The struggling animal triggered a shot that hit Hajdur in the chest and killed him instantly, Tanjug said. The fox died later, Tanjug added.
Simon Says?
The new minister stood at the church door greeting the members as they left the Sunday morning service. While most of the people told the minster how much they liked his message, one man seemingly had a different opinion.
“That was a very dull and boring sermon, Pastor,” he said. The pastor was a bit baffled by this, but he continued shaking hands.
A few minutes later, the same man again appeared in line and said, “I don’t think you did much in the way of preparation for your message.”
Once again, the man circled back and appeared in line, this time muttering, “You really blew it. You didn’t have a thing to say, Pastor.”
Finally, the minister could stand it no longer. He went to one of the deacons and inquired about the man.
“Oh, don’t let that guy bother you,” said the deacon. “He’s a little slow. All he does is go around repeating whatever he hears other people saying.”
From "The Book of Church Jokes," published by Barbour Publishing, Inc., Uhrichsville, Ohio. Copyright 2009. Used by permission of Barbour Publishing, Inc.
The original draft of The Lord...
The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron into oblivion halfway through the first chapter.The Mage in Battle
Top 10 things you don't want to hear your mage say in battle.10) "Is it virgin's tears and dragon's blood, or dragon's tears and virgin's blood? Maybe the dragon was a virgin.."
9) "Hmm...is this the recipe for a Potion of Healing, or for Chile Con Carne?"
8) "Oh, oh, oh, oh! That wand of cold balls -didn't- do what I expected."
7) "By any chance, have you seen a summoned 9th order fire elemental wandering around? No? Oh.. Tell me if you do."
6) "It's supposed to have five points?"
5) "My familiar will take care of that dragon! Sic 'em, Fifi!" 4) "What kind of cheap, wussyarse excuse for a djinn only gives one wish? Oh, he's still here..."
3) "Eennie, meenie, miny, moe.. Which end points toward the foe?"
2) "Damn. I knew I should have used Energizers in this thing."
And, the number one thing you don't want to hear from your mage..
1) "Oops..."
Mike Epps - Turning to God
I want to turn my life over to God but it is hard as hell. Every time something happens to us, thats what we do: Oh God, please dont do it to me, Ill tell ya, this is it, Im leaving these niggas alone, all these bitches, Ill tell ya, this is it, Im tired of this shit, I shoulda came to you. As soon as you feel good, you back out: Fuck these bitches! God be like, Hes a lying motherfucker right there. Thats a lying ass nigga. Dont you call me no more.Sooooo Blonde
She was so blonde...She got stabbed in a shoot-out.
She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
She told me to meet her at the corner of 'walk' and 'don't walk'.
She tried to put M&Ms in alphabetical order.
She tried to drown a fish.
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
If you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back.
They had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
Under 'education' on her job application, she put 'Hooked On Phonics.'
She tripped over a cordless phone.
She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
At the bottom of the application where it says 'sign here', she put 'Sagittarius.'
She asked for a price docket at the Dollar Store.
If she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.
She studied for a blood test... and failed.
She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.
She thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.
She thought she needed a ticket to get on Soul Train.
She sold the car for gas money.
When she saw the 'NC-17' (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends.
When she heard that 90 percent of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
She thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.
When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
L.A. Math Test
City of Los Angeles
High School Math Proficiency Exam
Name:____________________
Gang:________________________
1. Duane has an AK47 with a 30 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive by shooting, how many drive by shootings can he attempt before he has to reload?
2. If Jose has two ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8 ball to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?
3. Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800 per day crack habit?
4. Jarome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of Heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?
5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy and $100 for a 4x4. If he has stolen 2 BMW's and 3 4x4's, how many Chevy's will he have to steal to make $800?
6. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money will he have left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get for killing her since she spent his money?
7. If the average spray paint can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?
8. Hector knocked up six girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?
The Prince & The Princess
Contributed by Bob Wingfield
Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, The PRINCESS. But there was a problem, everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; Metal, Wood, Stone, anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians.
One wizard told the king, 'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'
The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan. The next day, he held a competition. Any man who could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.
Three young princes took up the challenge. The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess, 'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'
The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!! The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily
ever after.
Question: What was in the prince's pants?
M&M's of course.
They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What were you thinking??
October 13, 2011
What Do You Like Best About Me
Contributed by The Florida Dude
I asked the Dudette the other day what she liked best about me....
"Is it my firm, trim, athletic, body? Or, rather, is it my astounding intellect?"
She replied....
"Your sense of humor, dear."
Three very tough mice
Three rats are sitting at the bar talking bragging about their bravery and toughness.The first says, "I'm so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat poison!"
The second says, "Well I'm so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap and I bit it apart!"
Then the third rat gets up and says, "Later guys, I'm off home to harass the cat."
Chuck Norris can roundhouse ki...
Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick with his left leg and his right leg. At the same time.Lawyer quickies 3
Q: How do you kill 4000 lawyers?A: You build a new Titanic and declare it cannot sink.
Q: What's the strongest argument against both theories of origin?
A: Politicians and lawyers. Who in their right mind would create (or evolve into) these species?
Q: If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
Q: How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
A: Never enough.
Q: Have you heard about the lawyers word processor?
A: No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand.
Q: What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?
A: A lobotomy.
Q: What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
A: One's a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the other's just a fish.
Q: What is the difference between a female lawyer and a catfish?
A: One's slimey and has whiskers, and the other one lives in the water.
The Box
One day long ago, a man and woman got married. The man told the woman that there would always be a box under the bed but to never look into it. So they were married for 40 years and the woman never looked in the box. On the morning of their 40th anniversary, the wife looked in the box. In the box, there was about 300 dollars in small bills, and 3 empty beer bottles. At dinner that evening, the woman just had to ask. So she did, she asked "what are those beer bottles for, you know, in the box under the bed?" The man said, oh no, you looked. OK, Every time I've been unfaithful to you, I chugged a beer and put it in the box.
The wife says, well for forty years, that's not so bad. At night, the woman was having a bad night, she could not get to sleep, something was bugging her. Then she remembered. She shook awake her husband and asked, what was the money for, though. The guy says, what? The lady says, you know, the money in the box.
The guy says, well, every time the box filled up, I took it in and got money for the bottles.
Get a heart transplant
A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds."Excuse me," he said, "have you lost something?"
"No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone."
Ever wonder WHY …
Ever wonder WHY …- the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
- women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
- don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
- is "abbreviated" such a long word?
- is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
- is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
- is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
- is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
- is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
- isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
- When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
- didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
- do they sterilize the needle for lethal inje
- they don't make the whole plane out of the stuff that is used to make that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?
- don't sheep shrink when it rains?
- are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
- they call the airport the terminal?
- If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
- the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
- women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
- don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
- is "abbreviated" such a long word?
- is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
- is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
- is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
- is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
- is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
- isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
- When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
- didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
- do they sterilize the needle for lethal inje
- they don't make the whole plane out of the stuff that is used to make that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?
- don't sheep shrink when it rains?
- are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
- they call the airport the terminal?
- If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
