Jokes of the day for Saturday, 08 November 2008
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 08 November 2008 |
Navajo female wisdom
A ... Navajo female wisdom
A saleswoman is driving toward home in Northern
Arizona when she sees a Navajo woman hitchhiking.
Because the trip had been long and quiet, she decides
to stop the car and give the Navajo woman a lift.
During their small talk, the Navajo woman glances
surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat
between them.
“If you're wondering what's in the bag,” offered the
saleswoman, “it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my
husband”
The Navajo woman is silent for a while, nods several
times and says, ” Good trade.”
A nurse and a doctor met at a ...
A nurse and a doctor met at a medical convention one day. Right away they hit it off quite well. As the day went on, they got to know each other better. They decided to go to lunch together. While they were waiting for lunch the Nurse excused herself to go to the ladies room to wash her hands. When she got back, they ate lunch and chatted some more. Then just before they left, she excused herself again to go wash her hands.As the day went on, they decided that they would meet that night at his hotel room and get to know each other better. That night, when the Nurse first got there, she asked to use his wash room to wash her hands. Then she came out and they talked, kissed, petted and started getting really aroused. They finally moved their love making to the bedroom, but on the way there, the nurse stopped at the bathroom and washed her hands again. They had sex which the doctor found was very enjoyable. Afterwards, the nurse excused herself to wash her hands again.
When she came back to the bedroom, the doctor said, "I would bet any amount of money that you are a surgical nurse."
The nurse replied, "You are right. How did you know that?"
The doctor said, "It is obvious. You are constantly washing your hands."
The nurse said in reply, "And I would bet anything that you are an Anesthesiologist."
"Very good." replied the doctor. "How did you know that?"
The Nurse replied, "Because I didn't feel a thing."
Job application...
This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast food establishment.Not sure if they hired him....
NAME - Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION - Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY - $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION - Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD - Reclining on my mom's couch.
SALARY - Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT - My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING - It sucked
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK - Any
PREFERRED HOURS - 1:30 - 3:30 pm, Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS? Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be 'Do you have a car that runs?'
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I may already be a winner of the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE? Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising
What's in a Name
<...What's in a Name
This good looking man walks into an agent's office in Hollywood and says "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.
The agent asked, "What's your name?"
The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."
The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are gonna have to change your name."
I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."
The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."
So be it! I guess we will not do business together," the guy said, and he left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awestruck, who would possibly send him $50,000?
He reads the letter enclosed...
"Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice.
Sincerely, Dick van Dyke
Lightbulb Joke Collection 25
Q: How many Arians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just the one. You want to make something of it, eh?
Q: How many congressmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five hundred and thirty-five, but only if the following conditions are met: The light bulb will not be changed in an election year. A committee will study the light-bulb situation for at least a year. Taxes will have to be raised. A fair and proportionate number of the light-bulb changers will be from minority groups. No Social Security funds will be used to change the bulb. Each state and congressional district will share in the benefits of changing the light bulb. The blame for the failure of the present bulb will be assigned to the other party. The new bulb will be twice as bright as the old bulb. Because the new bulb is twice as bright as the old bulb, it will cost 130 times as much. A Blue Ribbon Panel will investigate the light-bulb failures and issue a mega-page report to the congress. A fact-finding trip to all countries known to produce light bulbs will be made by most congressmen and their wives. The CIA will investigate the Russian light-bulb-changing system. Details of the Russian light-bulb-changing system will be sold to the Chinese by an American naval officer. The surgeon general will issue a report about the perils of over-bright light bulbs. A program to supply light bulbs to those who cannot afford them will be introduced by Tip O'Neill. President Reagan will give a speech extolling the virtues of kerosene lanterns. Tip O'Neall will initiate a program of free kerosene for the needy. And finally, each and every congressman will send every one of his constituents a newsletter describing how he managed to get the light bulb changed almost single-handedly.
Q: How many Hobbits does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 1 to complain that the lightbulb isn't working, 5 to hold a meeting to decide what to do about it, 20 to form an expedition to the fabled Lightbulb Mines of Mythrill, 30 to throw a going-away party, 1 to ask Gandalf for directions, 1 to sell into slavery when the directions aren't stuck to, and they end up in entirely the wrong part of the country, and ready cash runs low, 5 get lost through natural wastage (bandits, murderers, monsters, etc,) 1 to be thrown to the Dragon that guards the Lightbulb hoarde, 1 to be thrown to the dragon to cover the retreat, 2 to carry the box of lightbulbs, 5 to find a large, sword-wielding barbarian to escort them home with the lightbulbs, another 30 to throw a safe-return party, 5 to get rid of the barbarian, who in typical style, got drunk at the party, 5 to find an Elf in the neighbourhood tall enough to change the lightbulb, one elf, and 5 to compose ballads of derring-do, heroism, sacrifice and lightbulbs. A grand total of 118.
Q: How many Contract Bridge players does it take to change a Light Bulb?
A: Five. One to change it; their partner to stare at them in complete confusion; one opposing player to ask the partner what they think the changer means by this; the other opponent to complain to the tournament director that there was a deliberate hesitation before the light bulb was changed; and the tournament director to agree and have the old bulb put back in.
Q: How many people does it take to throw away a one WATT bulb??
A: Five. A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple...
Note: Topical to the resignation of Interior secretary James Watt in 1983
Q: How many CND supporters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They won't, because:
Q: How many cabbage patch dolls does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The question is irrelevant since you couldn't find the dolls even if you knew how many.
Note: Topical to 1983 and the difficulty of obtaining cabbage patch dolls
Q: How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, astronomers prefer the dark.
OJs Clock
A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says, "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?"The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a huge room full of clocks.
The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"
St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."
The guy thinks that this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why that is?
St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock."
This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that clock?"
"Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's OJ Simpson's clock. We decided to use it as a fan."
A lady walks into her doctors office ...
A lady walks into her doctors office screaming.She yells, "Doctor, Doctor my breasts are hairy! What do I do?"
The doctor asks, "Well, how long does the hair grow?"
The lady replies, "From here to my penis, but that's a different story!"
More Law...
More Laws of Work1 Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
2 It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you're going to do.
3 You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
4 Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
5 If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
6 When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
7 The last person that left will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
8 A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
9 When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they never mean themselves.
10 Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
It seems that despite the adve...
It seems that despite the advertisements in the paper, stores don't want you to do our Christmas shopping too early.A local store just arrested a fellow for shopping about two hours before the store opened.
Wrong Way
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him.
“Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on 280 interstate. Please be careful!”
“It’s not just one car,” said Herman. “It’s hundreds of them!”
17 Thanksgiving jokes and quotes
My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes, but I told them I couldn't just quit "cold turkey."
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Norma Lee.
Norma Lee who?
Norma Lee I don't eat this much!
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store for Thanksgiving Day, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She turned to the stock boy and asked, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" "No, ma'am," he replied. "They're dead."
What is a turkey’s favorite dessert? - Peach gobbler!
Mom wants you to help us fix Thanksgiving dinner.
Dad: Why? Is it broken?
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Tamara.
Tamara who? Tamara we'll have turkey leftovers!
Why did the cranberries turn red?
Because they saw the turkey dressing!
Why do pilgrims’ pants always fall down?
Because they wear their belt buckles on their hats!
What did the turkey say to the computer?
“Google, google, google.”
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin pi.
A new survey found that 80% of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense, when you hear they consider saying 'that smells good' to be helping.
Jimmy Fallon
Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving?
The turkey because it’s already stuffed!
Why did the turkey cross the road twice?
To prove he wasn't chicken.
"What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?"
"If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!"
What do you call a turkey on the day after Thanksgiving?
Lucky.
If Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be known for?
Their age!
What did the hipster say the day after Thanksgiving?
A: I liked the leftovers before they were cool.
Take Your Kid To Work Day
An 8 year old girl went to the office with her father on 'Take your kid to work Day'.
As they walked round the office she started crying and getting cranky.
Her father asked what was wrong.
As the staff gathered round she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?"
