Jokes of the day for Sunday, 07 June 2009

First time in the big city...

Two small-town merchants were visiting New York City for the first time to attend a conference. There was a large party thrown, with lots of food and drink. At the end of the party, they both staggered outside. One guy crossed the street, while the other stumbled into a subway entrance. When the first guy reached the other side of the street, he noticed the other emerging from the subway stairs.

"Where ya been?" he slurred.

"I don't know," gushed the other guy, "but you should see the train set that guy has in his basement!"

It was the kindergarten teache...

It was the kindergarten teachers birthday and the students decided that they would each buy their teacher a gift.
The first student, whose parents own a florist shop, gave her a present. She held it and said "I guess that it is flowers".
"How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She laughed and thanked him.
The second student, whose parents own a candy store, gave her a present. She held it and said, "I guess that is some candy."
"How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She again laughed and thanked him also.
The third student, whose parents own a bottle shop, gave her a box which was leaking. The teacher touched the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Mmmmm is it wine?" she asked.
"No," said the little girl.
So she tasted it again. "Is it champaigne?" she asked.
"No," replied the little girl, "It is a puppy.

Q: Did you he...

Q: Did you hear about the big fight that Madonna, Cher, Jewel and Fabio had?
A: They're no longer on a first name basis.

The Hat

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind.

Ever wonder WHY … Ever wonder WHY …

• the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
• women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
• don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
• is "abbreviated" such a long word?
• is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
• is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
• is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
• is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
• is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
• isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
• When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
• didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
• do they sterilize the needle for lethal inje
• they don't make the whole plane out of the stuff that is used to make that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?
• don't sheep shrink when it rains?
• are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
• they call the airport the terminal?
• If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

#joke #doctor #animal #cat #dog #mouse #sheep #fruit #lemon #food #drinks #juice

A chicken and an egg were layi...

A chicken and an egg were laying in bed, smoking cigarettes, the covers and sheets all messed up. The chicken laid there with a big, stupid grin all over its face.

The egg, looking disgusted, blew out a stream of smoke, looked over at the chicken, and said, "Well, I guess we answered that question, didn't we?"

An Incredible Inventor

He was an inventor of note. He created a big shoe with a phone in the heel. Now, he thought, he could use a phone whenever he wanted. He made several more so that he could have several shoes with phones in the house. One day, an emergency came up and he needed a phone bad. Would you believe it, he couldn't find a single phone boot.

Wanna bet?

A guy is sitting at a bar, staring at the sexy bartender.

He slaps $10 on the table and says, “I bet I can keep an eye on this drink while I go to the bathroom.”

She knows the bathroom is around the corner, so she accepts the bet.

He takes out his glass eye, places it beside his drink and goes to the bathroom.

When he comes back, he pockets the money and makes another challenge. “Betcha I can bite my own ear,” the guy says.

She accepts, and he takes out his false teeth and nips his ear. Once more, he scoops up the money.

“OK,” he says, “I’ll give you a chance to win back your money. I bet I can make love to you so tenderly that you won’t feel a thing.”

She knows this bet is a sure thing, so she accepts.

The guy climbs behind the bar, lifts her skirt and begins.

“I can feel you,” she giggles.

“Oh well,” he says, “You win some, you lose some.”

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Yisman

Why didn't the skeleto...

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

My kids love going to the...

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

First Time in Church

Mrs. Harrison took her three-year-old daughter, Jenny, to church for the first time.
After arriving, the church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles.There was silence in the entire sanctuary until Jenny's voice was suddenly heard, loudly singing: "Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you..."

You Matter

You matter...
Until you multiply yourself by the square of the speed of light.
Then you energy.

Black Panties

Sherry lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter constantly urges her to get back into the dating world. Finally, Sherry says she'll go out, but doesn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it's an immediate hit. They really like one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the mountains.
Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stands nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit.
Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?"
She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
Obviously, he knows he's not getting lucky that night.
The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit...except... that he has a black prophylactic over his manhood.
She looks at him and asks, "What's with the...uh...black prophylactic?"
He replies, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."    

Several food jokes, and few more

What do you call a fake noodle?
An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you.
It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry?
Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.
It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it?
A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party?
You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week...
and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk?
The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese,
but I think that I may have greater problems.

Mark Gross: Can You Help?

A couple days ago, I was crossing this bridge, and there was this character standing there with a cup in his hand. He goes, Hey, can you help out my wife and family? I said, Sure. And I pushed him off the bridge.