Jokes of the day for Thursday, 13 September 2012

Blind Man

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut up."

Kids jokes-Sheep jumping over fence

Mrs. Smith, the maths teacher, gave the class a problem to solve.

An annoyingly self-righteous m...

An annoyingly self-righteous man went to the doctor for a check-up.

He said, "I feel terrible. Please examine me and tell me what's wrong with me."

"Let's begin with a few questions," said the doctor. "Do you drink much?"

"Alcohol?" said the man. "I'm a teetotaler. Never touch a drop."

"How about smoking?" asked the doctor.

"Never," replied the man. "Tobacco is bad, and I have strong principles against it."

"Well, uh," said the doctor, "do you have much sex life?"

"Oh, no!" said the man. "Sex is sin. I'm in bed by 10:30 every night, and I always have been."

The doctor paused, looked hard at the man, and asked, "Well, do you have pains in your head?"

"Yes," said the man. "I have terrible pains in my head."

"OK," said the doctor. "That's your trouble. Your halo is on too tight!"

A poet and a scientist were tr...

A poet and a scientist were traveling together on a plane. The scientist was bored and said to the poet, "Hey, you, do you want to play a game? I'll ask you a question, and if you get it wrong, you give me $5. Then, you ask me a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $5."
The poet thought about this for a moment, but he decided against it, seeing that the scientist was obviously a very bright man. He politely turned down the scientist's offer.
The scientist, who was really bored, tried again. "Look, I'll ask you a question, and if you can't answer it, you give me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $50."
The poet agreed. "Okay," the scientist said, "what is the exact distance between the Earth and the Moon?"
The poet, obviously not knowing the answer, didn't stop to think about the scientist's question. He took a $5 bill out of his pocket and handed it to the scientist.
The scientist happily accepted the bill and promptly said, "Okay, now it's your turn."
The poet thought about this for a few minutes, then asked, "All right, what goes up a mountain on three legs, but comes down on four?"
The bright glow quickly vanished from the scientist's face. He thought about this for a long time, taking out his notepad and making numerous calculations. He finally gave up on his notepad and took out his laptop, using his Multimedia Encyclopedia. As the plane was landing the scientist gave up. He reluctantly handed the poet a $50 bill.
The poet accepted it graciously, getting ready to stand up. "Wait!" the scientist shouted, "you can't do this to me! What's the answer?"
The poet looked at the scientist and calmly put a $5 bill into his hand.

A couple from the kids...

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, 'There were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens.' 'How did you know?' his mother asked. 'Daddy picked them up and looked underneath,' he replied. 'I think it's printed on the bottom.'

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. 'What are you doing?' his mother asked. 'The box says not to eat them if the seal is broken' the boy explained. 'I'm looking for the seal.'

Wedding night

A guy on his wedding night in the hotel says to his new wife "geez, I never realized you had such big breasts."

The wife gets all upset and throws him out.

While he is sitting in the hall another guy comes out down the hall. "What happened?" asks the first man.

"Well" replies the other "I first saw my new wife naked tonight, and all I said was "Geez, I didn't realize you had such a big Butt..." then she threw me out.

Just then a third guy comes storming out into the hall.

"Hey" says the second guy "Did you put your foot in it as well?"

"No" says the third guy, "But I bloody well could have."

Jon Dore: Ability to Hide

My grandfather avoided the Holocaust with his ability to hide, and by not being Jewish, and by living in Canada his entire life -- all about strategy.

Flustered

As an instructor in driver education at the local area High School, I've learned that even the brightest students can become flustered behind the wheel.

One day I had three beginners in the car, each scheduled to drive for 30 minutes.

When the first student had completed his time, I asked him to change places with one of the others.

Gripping the wheel tightly and staring straight ahead, he asked in a shaky voice, “Should I stop the car first?”

Chuck Norris once pulled out a...

Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.

CAT DIARY, 7 entries

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
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DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.
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DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
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DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
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DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only
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DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
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DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue. (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.
But I can wait; it is only a matter of time.

Do You Reject the Devil?

A priest came to a dying author to read him his last rites.
"Do you reject the devil?" asked the priest.
"This is no time to be making enemies," replied the author.

Human cloning is outlawed beca...

Human cloning is outlawed because of Chuck Norris, because then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.

Two men were hunting deer when...

Two men were hunting deer when a large bear rears up and begins to charge them.

The one man puts his running shoes on and begins to run with the other man.

The second man asks why he put them on because it wont help him out run the bear.

He said "I don't need to out run the bear I need to out run you."

Serving Two Masters

A Mormon acquaintance once pushed Mark Twain into an argument on the issue of polygamy. After long and tedious expositions justifying the practice, the Mormon demanded that Twain cite any passage of scripture expressly forbidding polygamy.
"Nothing easier," Twain replied. "No man can serve two masters."

Studying The Twinkies

In an effort to clarify questions about the purported durability and unusual physical characteristics of Twinkies, we subjected the Hostess snack logs to the following experiments:
Exposure
A Twinkie was left on a window ledge for 4 days, during which time an inch and a half of rain fell. Many flies were observed crawling across the Twinkie's surface, but contrary to hypothesis, birds, even pigeons, avoided this potential source of substance. Despite the rain and prolonged exposure to the sun, the Twinkie retained its original color and form. When removed, the Twinkie was found to be substantially dehydrated. Cracked open, it was observed to have taken on the consistency of industrial foam insulation; the filling however, retained its advertised "creaminess"
Radiation
A Twinkie was placed in a conventional microwave oven, which was set for precisely 4 minutes - the approximate cooking time of bacon. After 20 seconds, the oven began to emit the Twinkie's rich, characteristic aroma of artificial butter. After one minute, this aroma began to resemble the acrid smell of burning rubber. The experiment was aborted after 2 minutes 10 seconds when thick, foul smoke began billowing from the top of the oven. A second Twinkie was subjected to the same experiment; this Twinkie leaked molten white filling. When cooled, this now epoxylike filling bonded the Twinkie to its plate, defying gravity: it was removed only upon application of a butter knife.
Extreme Force
A Twinkie was dropped from a ninth-floor window, a fall of approximately 120 feet. It landed right side up, then bounced onto its back. The expected "splatter" effect was not observed. Indeed, the only discernible damage to the Twinkie was a narrow fissure on its underside; otherwise, the Twinkie remained structurally intact.
Extreme Cold
A Twinkie was placed in a conventional freezer for 24 hours. Upon removal, the Twinkie was not found to be frozen solid, but its physical properties had noticeably "slowed". The filling was found to be the approximate consistency of acrylic paint, while exhibiting the mercurylike property of not adhering to practically any surface. It was noticed the Twinkie had generously absorbed the freezer odors.
Extreme Heat
A Twinkie was exposed to a gas flame for 2 minutes. While the Twinkie smoked and blackened and the filling in one of its "cream holes" boiled, the Twinkie did not catch fire. It did, however produce the same "burning rubber" aroma noticed in the irradiation experiment.
Immersion
A Twinkie was dropped into a large bucket filled with water, the Twinkie floated momentarily, then began to list and sink. Viscous yellow tendrils ran off its lower half, possibly consisting of a water-soluble artificial coloring. After 2 hours, the Twinkie bloated substantially. Its coloring was now a very pale tan - in contrast to the yellow, urine-like water that surrounded it. The Twinkie bobbed when touched, and had a gelatinous texture. After 72 hours, the Twinkie had increased roughly 200 percent of its original size. The water had turned opaque, and a small, fan-shaped spray of filling had leaked from one of the "cream holes". Unfortunately, efforts to remove the Twinkie for further analysis were abandoned when, under light pressure the Twinkie disintegrated into an amorphous cloud of debris. A distinctly sour odor was noted.
Summary of Results
The Twinkie's survival of a 120-foot drop, along with some of the unusual phenomena associated with the "creamy filling" and artificial coloring, should give pause to those observers who would unequivocally categorize the Twinkie as "food". Further clinical inquiry is required before any definite conclusions can be drawn.
Reprinted from SPY Magazine, July 1989

Dan Cummins: Yearly Homeless Charity

I dont know if you know this about me, but once a year, instead of giving one homeless guy a dollar, I step it up. I buy $50 bucks worth of malt liquor, hide it in the park.