Jokes of the day for Thursday, 14 February 2013

Really funny jokes-Expensive Greeting cards

Chuck Norris does not need Twi...

Chuck Norris does not need Twitter...he is already following you.

“"Have some chocolate...

“"Have some chocolate covered cherries," she said cordially.”

Martini

A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before drinking it, he removed the olive and carefully put it into a glass jar. Then he ordered another martini and did the same thing. After an hour, when he was full of martinis and the jar was full of olives, he staggered out.
"Well," said a customer, "I never saw anything as peculiar as that!"

"What's so peculiar about it?" the bartender said. "His wife sent him out for a jar of olives."

After dying in a car crash, th...

After dying in a car crash, three friends find themselves at an orientation to enter heaven. Each one was asked, "When you are in your casket, what would you like to hear your friends and family saying about you?"

Sean says, "I would like to hear them say I was a great doctor and a great family man."

Karl says, "I would like to hear them say I was a wonderful husband and an excellent teacher who made a difference in children's lives."

Juan says, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

After dying in a car crash, th...

After dying in a car crash, three friends find themselves at an orientation to enter heaven. Each one was asked, "When you are in your casket, what would you like to hear your friends and family saying about you?" Sean says, "I would like to hear them say I was a great doctor and a great family man." Karl says, "I would like to hear them say I was a wonderful husband and an excellent teacher who made a difference in children's lives." Juan says, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

Ice Fishing In Alaska

A drunk guy in Alaska decides to go ice fishing. So he packs up his stuff and goes out onto the ice. He starts sawing a hole in the ice, and a loud booming voice says,

"YOU WILL FIND NO FISH UNDER THAT ICE."

The drunk looks up, ignores it, and continues on.

The voice repeats, "YOU WILL FIND NO FISH

The drunk looks up and says, "Is this God trying to warn me?"

The voice says "NO, I'M THE MANAGER OF THIS ICE RINK."

Point and Laugh

What are two things you should never do in bed?

Point and Laugh!

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Calamjo

You Might Be A Redneck If 47

You might be a redneck if...
On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"
You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.
In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?"
Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Play Ball..."
You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.
You bring your dog to work with you.
Your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.
You've ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.

Laura Kightlinger: Holidays for the Lonely

It goes: Christmas, New Years Eve and Valentines Day. Is that fair to anyone whos alone? Those are all days when you gotta be with someone. And if you didnt get around to killing yourself at Christmas or New Years -- boom! theres Valentines Day for you. I think there should be just one more holiday after Valentines Day, just for the stragglers -- and it should be called, Who Could Love You?

Procrastination

My mother said, "You won't amount to anything because you procrastinate." I said, "Just wait."

University Courses For Men And Women

Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Men Fall Catalogue

Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.
1. Combatting Stupidity
2. You Too Can Do Housework
3. Resistance to Beer
4. How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray
5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas (Give Us Credit Cards)
6. Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4:00am
7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (also called "Don't Wash My Silks")
9. Get A Life - Learn To Cook
10. How Not To Act Like An Idiot When You Are Obviously Wrong
11. Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right
12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
13. You, The Weaker Sex
14. Reasons To Give Flowers
15. Garbage - Getting It To The Curb
16. You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Please
17. How To Put Down A Toilet Seat
18. Give Me A Break - Why We Know Your Excuses Are Lies
19. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost
20. The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency
21. Helpful Posture Hints For Couch Potatoes
22. Mother-in-Laws Are People Too
23. The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous
24. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
25. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver
26. Male Bonding: Leave Your Friends At Home
27. Attainable Goal - Omitting Foul Expletives From Vocabulary
28. You Don't Really Need That Porsche

Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Women Fall Catalogue

Once again, the male staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for women of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.
1. Combatting The Impulse To Nag
2. You Can Change The Oil Too
4. How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug
5. We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas
6. Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness
7. How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football
8. Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around
9. How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop
10. How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right
11. Get A Life - Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself
12. Balancing A Checkbook - Even You Can Get It Right
13. Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility
14. You, The Whining Sex
15. Shopping - Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours
16. If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother
17. How To Close The Garage Door
18. If You Don't Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An Explanation
19. How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia
20. Living Without Power Windows - How To Turn A Crank
21. Romanticism - The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation
22. How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself
23. Why You Don't Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend
24. Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous
25. How To Act Younger Than Your Mother
26. You Too Can Carry A Backpack
27. Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most
28. Learning To Appreciate The Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men
29. Attainable Goal - Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving
30. How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste

Blonde Sayings

I think that 'Clueless' was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness."
Alicia Silverstone
"Once someone asked me three words that best describe me and I said 'Loud, Louder, and Loudest.'"
Anastacia
"I am beautiful, famous and gorgeous. I could have any man in the world."
Anna Kournikova
"He wanted to make me happy. My wish was his command."
Anna Nicole Smith
"Doesn't that hurt?" (on suicide bombers)
Anna Nicole Smith
"I'm not crazy, but it's a crazy life. I was raised in a crazy family and it took 31 years to get the crazy out of me."
Anne Heche
"What's so beautiful about breasts is their uniqueness. I don't understand the obsession with fakeness. It's a very odd thing, isn't it, to prefer fake and big to small and unique or just beautiful and real."
Anne Heche
"I trip and I burp and I fart, like everybody else."
Britney Spears
"I don't believe in sex before marriage. I go out with boys, and we kiss, but that's it."
Britney Spears
"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada."
Britney Spears

Funny New Year jokes-Annual conflict

As in many homes on New Year's Day, Lesley and Mark, a happily married couple, faced the annual conflict of which was more important: the football match on television, or the New Year's lunch.
Hoping to keep the peace Mark ate lunch with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-lunch chat before retiring to the lounge to turn on the television.
Some minutes later, Lesley looked in to see how he was and graciously even bought a cold beer for Mark.
She smiled, kissed him on the cheek and asked what the score was.
Mark told her it was half time and that the score was still 0-0
'See?' Lesley said happily, 'You didn't miss a thing.

How many sheep do I have?

There once was a blonde who was very tired of blonde jokes and insults directed at her intelligence.

So, she cut and dyed her hair, got a make-over, got in her car, and began driving around in the country.

Suddenly, she came to a herd of sheep in the road. She stopped her car and went over to the shepherd who was tending to them.

"If I can guess the exact number of sheep here, will you let me have one?" she asked.

The shepherd, thinking this was a pretty safe bet, agreed.

"You have 171 sheep," said the blonde in triumph.

Surprised, the shepherd told her to pick out a sheep of her choice.

She looked around for a while and finally found one that she really liked.

She picked it up and was petting it when the shepherd walked over to her and asked, "if I can guess your real hair color, will you give me my sheep back?"

The blonde thought it was only fair to let him try. "You're a blonde! Now give me back my dog."