Jokes of the day for Monday, 05 October 2015
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 05 October 2015 |
A woman walked up to the manag
A woman walked up to the manager of a department store. "Are you looking to hire any help?" she asked."No," he replied. "We already have all the employees we need."
"Great, then would you mind getting someone to wait on me?" she snapped.
Hanging out with sky...
“Hanging out with skyscraper builders is so boring! It's story after story.”
A woman stopped at a historic
A woman stopped at a historic old hotel and asked the desk clerk for the room rates. “A room on the first floor is none hundred and fifty dollars; on the second floor, one hundred and forty dollars, and on the third floor, one hundred and thirty dollars.”The woman turned to leave. “Don’t you like the accommodations?” asked the clerk.
“Oh, yes, it’s great,” replied the woman. “It just isn’t tall enough.”
"Managing senior programmers i
"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats." --Dave Platt"Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they aresubtle and will piss on your computer." --BruceGraham
"There is no snooze button on a cat who wantsbreakfast." --Unknown
"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped asgods. Cats have never forgotten this." --Anonymous
"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight catsto pull a sled through the snow." --Jeff Valdez
"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." --English proverb
"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." --Ellen Perry Berkeley
"One cat just leads to another." --Ernest Hemmingway
"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a messageand get back to you later." --Mary Bly
"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they aresubject to a good many ailments, but I never heard ofone who suffered from insomnia." --Joseph Wood Krutch
"People that hate cats, will come back as mice intheir next life." --Faith Resnick
"There are many intelligent species in the universe.They are all owned by cats." --Anonymous
"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. Thewisdom of cats is infinitely superior." --HippolyteTaine
"No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my catsare there to welcome me." --Unknown
"There are two means of refuge from the miseries oflife: music and cats." --Albert Schweitzer
"The cat has too much spirit to have no heart." --Ernest Menaul
"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they areGod."
"Time spent with cats is never wasted." --Colette
"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, andcruel. True, and they have many other fine qualitiesas well." --Missy Dizick
"You will always be lucky if you know how to makefriends with strange cats." --Colonial Americanproverb
"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never doesany harm to ask for what you want." --Joseph WoodKrutch
"I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic"
"My husband said it was either him or the cat ... Imiss him sometimes."
"Dogs have owners....cats have a staff".
Punished
One day a little girl came home from school, and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."
The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this! By the way, what was it that you didn't do?"
The little girl replied, "My homework."
Finding Perfect Men
At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends. "The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!"
An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!"
Question and answer jokes
Q: How can you tell a lawyer is lying?
A: Other lawyers look interested.
Q: Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach resort?
A: Because theyâre used to doing all of their lying indoors.
Q: What happened to the banker who went to law school?
A: Now sheâs a loan shark.
Q: Where do vampires learn to suck blood?
A: Law school.
Q: How do you define double jeopardy?
A: When a lawyer calls in her partner.
Q: What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer?
A: All the information you need, but you canât understand a word of it.
Q: What's worse than pleading guilty to murder?
A: Getting jail time and getting robbed--hiring an attorney to defend you.
Q: What do honest lawyers and UFOs have in common?
A: You always hear about them, but you never see them.
Don't give up. You time is coming soon.
I know sometimes you feel like giving up. Every new day there seems to be no change in your life. All the troubles of your heart and worries keep on worsening! You wonder why everything is happening to you. You keep on asking yourself why you’re not lucky like other people. You keep on praying to God but so far He hasn’t answered your prayers. Now you have started losing hope. You now think that maybe you were meant to be like that or maybe somebody cursed you. But I tell you what my friend? You weren’t meant to be like that and you weren’t cursed. God is silent but He watches you day and night. He listens to your prayers and He has something special for you. Just stay strong, focused, and hardworking and keep praying to God. Bear it in your minds that you’re not alone in that hard situation, we are all in the same boat. So don’t give up my dear friend. Your time is coming soon. Early Dementia Test
It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test. Exercising the brain is as important as exercising muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer. OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," give up now and do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.
2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk"
What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks , what is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," why the heck are you still reading these??? If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.
4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany .) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany . Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany , West Germany , or no man's land"?
Answer: You don't bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.
5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus. In Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on . In Swansea , three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!! Now pass this along to all your friends and pray they do better than you.
PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!
You Fool
A pastor was opening his mail one morning and one envelope had only a single sheet of paper with a single word printed on it: “FOOL!” The following Sunday the priest announced, “I have known many people who have written letters and forgotten to sign their name. But this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name and had forgotten to write a letter.”
Alfred Robles: Girl Like a Report Card
I want a girl that reminds me of my report card: her face has to be an A, she has to have double DDs, cause tonight I want to F. Paper beats rock, rock beats s...
Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Chuck Norris beats all 3 at the same time. Porch or Lexus?
A blonde wanting to earn extra money decided to do odd jobs for her wealthy neighbors. At the first house, the owner said,"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge? "$50" she replies
The man agrees and gives her the paint and brushes and goes back in the house. The man's wife overheard their conversation and asked him if she had realized that the porch goes all around the house. "She should. She was standing on it"
A short time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You've finished already?" the man asked.
"Yeah, and i had paint left over so i gave two coats."
Impressed the man reaches for the money. "And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a porch. Its a Lexus."
Knock Knock Collection 189
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Walt!
Walt who?
Walt till your father gets home!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Walter!
Walter who?
Walter-wall carpeting!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Wanda!
Wanda who?
Wanda buy some Girl Scout cookies!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Wannetta!
Wannetta who?
Wannetta time please!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Warner!
Warner who?
Warner you coming out to play!
