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Jokes of the day for Sunday, 27 August 2017

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 27 August 2017

Two women were at a bar. One l

Two women were at a bar. One looked at the other and said, "You know, 80 percent of all men think the best way to end an argument is to make love."
"Well," said the other woman," that will certainly revolutionize the game of hockey!"
#joke #short #sport #hockey
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 4.88/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (8)

Some punk teenager with bad skin always eczema house.
#joke #short

Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 1.67/10

Rating: 1.7/10 (6)

Harvesting a profit...

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road, and the car became bogged.

After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.

He stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted, and minutes later, the car was free.

The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."

The husband looks around at the fields, incredulously, and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?

"No," the young farmer replied, seriously. "Night is when I put the water in the hole."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 8.23/10

Rating: 8.2/10 (13)

Can you imagine working for a

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the followingstatistics:
*29 have been accused of spousal abuse
* 7 have been arrested for fraud
* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
* 3 have done time for assault
* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year
* 1 one ran a stop sign and killed a man on a motorcycle
Can you guess which organization this is?
Give up yet?
It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group of idiots elected by us that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (7)

The Tell-Tale Sign

A bank clerk is talking with her colleague. 'I think now-a-days my beauty has been decreasing.'
'Why do you think that?' asked the colleague.
'The men who are withdrawing cash at my counter are actually counting their money.'

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 4.44/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (9)

“If the current leade

“If the current leader's head was added to Mount Rushmore using cement, that would be setting a precedent.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 4.10/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (10)

 Doctor Doctor Collection 03


Doctor Doctor I think I'm a moth.
So why did you come around then?
Well, I saw this light at the window...!
Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee
Have you tried taking the spoon out?
Doctor, Doctor I feel like a spoon!
Well sit still and don't stir!
Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
I'll deal with you later.
Doctor, Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache?
Of course. Just take this hammer and hit yourself in the head. Then you'll have a bad headache.
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking there is two of me
One at a time please
Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots?
I never make rash promises!

#joke #doctor #drinks #coffee
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 05 May 2016
  • Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (6)

Once poor

A poor man told his wife, I am sick and tired of being poor, I am going to work overseas. So, he took off to Africa. A few years later, he returned. As he approached his house he got stunned with the luxurious and rich look of the house. He knocked on the door, the servant opened.

"Is the housewife in?" he asked. The servant replied: "Just a moment." The wife comes out: Wife: Wow, my man, all dressed up as a rich man after these years.

Husband: Guess what? I am rich.

Wife: How?

Husband: I went to Africa, found people walk with no underwear and sleep on sand, so I began to make and sell underwear and beds. Due to the high demand, I got rich fast.

Wife: A man, with all of your strength, had to go all the way to Africa, making beds and underwear, to get rich, and I am a little woman that stayed here, without underwear and on a single bed...I got REAL rich.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 27 August 2011
  • Currently 2.50/10

Rating: 2.5/10 (58)

Demetri Martin: Naming Foods

I think they named oranges before they named carrots. What are these? Those are orange: oranges. What about these? Oh, sh*t. Long pointies? Well go by shape now?
#joke #short #fruit #orange #food #carrot
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 27 August 2011
  • Currently 4.56/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (54)

Chuck Norris can judge a book ...

Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 27 August 2011
  • Currently 3.43/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (51)

Bibles to Boats

A young man from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid replies, "Yeah, I was one of the best Bible salesman back in Omaha."
The boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You can start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?” The kid responds, "One."
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
"$101,237.65."
"$101,237.65? Holy Mother Mary! What did you sell to him?"
"First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then, I sold him a medium fish hook. Then, I sold him a larger fish hook. Then, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then, I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then, he said he didn't think his car would pull it, so I took him down to the automobile department and sold him a 4x4 truck with all the bells and whistles."
"A guy came in here to buy a fish hook, and you sold him a boat and a truck?!"
"No, the guy came in here to buy feminine products for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot. You should go fishing.'"
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member socaliflady

#joke #animal #fish #sport #fishing #mother
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 27 August 2009
  • Currently 7.36/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (45)

A young gay man calls home and...

A young gay man calls home and tells his Jewish mother that he has decided to go back into the closet because he has met a wonderful girl and they are going to be married. He tells his mother that he is sure she will be happier since he knows that his gay lifestyle has been very disturbing to her.

She responds that she is indeed delighted and asks tentatively, "I suppose it would be too much to hope that she would be Jewish?"

He tells her that not only is the girl Jewish, but is from a wealthy Beverly Hills family. She admits she is overwhelmed by the news, and asks, "What is her name?"

He answers, "Monica Lewinsky."

There is a long pause, then his mother asks, "What happened to that nice Catholic boy you were dating last year?"
#joke #mother
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 27 August 2009
  • Currently 3.53/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (43)

I think there are ab...

“I think there are about 1-2 million baseball fields in the world, but that's just a ballpark number.”

#joke #short #sport #baseball
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 06 October 2016
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (7)

A Good Bottle of Wine

Question: How much should I spend on a really good bottle of wine?
Half an hour?
Twenty minutes?

#joke #short #drinks #wine
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 8.36/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (14)

Chess With My Dog

Me: I taught my dog to play chess.
Friend: He must be very smart?
Me: Not really, I beat him two games out of three!

Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 8.36/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (25)

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