Jokes of the day for Friday, 26 July 2019
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 26 July 2019 |
“At the old sailor's
“At the old sailor's garage sale, I bought a basketball hoop. It was the rim of the ancient mariner.”
Evaluating Employees
RE: Quotes Taken from actual performance evaluations:
"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
"I would not allow this employee to breed."
"This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
"This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
Get The Job Done
"This little computer," said the sales clerk, "will do half of your job for you."
Studying the machine, the senior VP said, "Fine. I'll take two."
After receiving his medication
After receiving his medication from the pharmacist, the customer asked, "Are these time-release pills?"The pharmacist replied, "Yes, they are. They'll begin to work after your check clears."
Home in no time
A woman was waiting in the checkout line at a shopping center. Her arms were heavily laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in a hurry and not happy about the slowness of the line.
When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"
"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have here, you'll be home in no time."
A guy took his blonde girlfrie
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.They had great seats right behind their team's bench.After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience."Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants andall the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they werekilling each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of thegame, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get thequarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!
Chuck Norris can take an arrow...
Chuck Norris can take an arrow in the knee.Ed Zachary
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist.Her doctor recommended that she go and see Dr Chang, the well-known sex therapist. So she went to see him and upon entering the examination room, Dr Chang said,
'OK, take off all you crose.'
So she did.
Dr Chang then said,
'Ok now, crawl reery fass to the other side of the room.'
So she did.
Dr Chang then said,
'OK' now crawl reery fass to me,'
So she did.
Dr Chang slowly shook his head and said,
'Your problem vewy bad, you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I
ever see, that why you not haf sex or dates.'
Confused the woman asked,
'What is Ed Zachary Disease?'
Dr Chang replied,
'It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your arseâ
A pregnant woman gets into a c...
A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, DeNephew.
Alcohol warnings
The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage. 1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.
2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you
4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.
6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.
7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.
Scary Collection 29
A ghost joke
How do undertakers speak?
Gravely!
A vampire joke
What do vampires think of blood transfusions?
Newfangled rubbish!
A ghost joke
What did the polite ghost say to her son?
Don't spook until your spooken to!
A ghost joke
What do ghosts eat for dinner?
Ghoulash!
A cannibal joke
What happened if you upset a cannibal?
You get into hot water!
A cannibal joke
Why don't cannibals like to eat Carl Lewis?
He gives them runs!
A ghost joke
What do ghouls do when they're in hospital?
They talk about their apparitions!
Heard in the Friars Barber Shop
A man walks into the Friars barbershop, sits down in the chair and the barber asks, “How do you want your haircut?”
The man says, ” I would like the sideburns one high and one low, a few long hairs sticking out of the back and a few chunks on the side and top.”
The barber looks puzzled and says, “I’m not sure I can do that.”
The customer says, “Why not, you did it that way last time.”
A man jumps the fence into a tiger enclosure...
A man jumps the fence into a tiger enclosure, saying God would protect him. He is quickly eaten and finds himself at the pearly gates before God.
"Why did you not protect me from the tigers?" the man asks. "I tried to," God replies. "What did you think the fence was for?"
The dean of women at an exclus...
The dean of women at an exclusive girl's college was lecturing her students on sexual morality."In moments of temptation," said the speaker to the class, "ask yourselfjust one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"
A sweet young thing in the back of the room rose to ask: "How do youmake it last an hour?"
Mixed Messages Watch the Spell Check or Auto Check
Hi, Fred, this is Alan next door.
I have a confession to make. I have been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face, but I am at least telling you in a text as I cannot live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you’re not around. In fact, probably more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but I know that’s no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can no longer live with the guilt and hope that you will accept my sincerest apology and forgive me. It won’t happen again. Please suggest a fee for usage and I’ll pay you.
Regards, Alan.
NEIGHBOR’S RESPONSE*
Fred, feeling so angered and betrayed, then grabbed his gun and shot his neighbour Alan dead. He returned home, poured himself a stiff drink, and sat down on the sofa. Fred took out his phone where he saw a second message from Alan.
SECOND MESSAGE*
Hi, Fred, this is Alan next door, again.
Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect that you figured it out and noticed that darned Auto-Correct changed “wi-fi” to “wife.” That’s today’s technology for you, hey?
Regards, Alan
