Jokes of the day for Sunday, 29 December 2019

An elderly Italian man who liv

An elderly Italian man who lived in the outskirts of Monte Cassino went to the local church for confession.
He said: "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son and you have no need to confess that."
"It's worse than that, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors."
The priest said: "By doing that, you were both in great danger. However, two people together under those circumstances are greatly tempted to act that way. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are forgiven."
"Thank you Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."
"And what is that?" said the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?"

Love Is Blind

Two years ago I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date...
Today I asked her to marry me...
She said no on both occasions.

 Company Buzz Words

New Corporate Buzz Words for the 90's
Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.
Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, and then leaves.
Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.
Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite.
Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property, and no regrets.
Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in class; the rest were just tourists."
Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.
Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
Going Postal: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.
Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the Alpha Geek around here.
Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
Chips and Salsa: Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem is in your chips or your salsa."
Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.
GOOD job: A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.
Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of attacking an electronic device to get it to work again.
Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a Vice President at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also Decruitment.
Vulcan Nerve Pinch: The taxing hand positions required to reach all the appropriate keys for commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control Key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.

Apprentice housekeeper

“An apprentice housekeeper is maid to order.”

Mail...

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mail box, opened it, then slammed it shut, and stormed back in the house.

A little later they came out again went to the mail box and again opened it, then slammed it shut again.

Angrily, back into the house they went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, the neighbor came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by his neighbors actions the man asked, "Is something wrong?"

To which the neighbor (who was not very computer savvy) replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"

MIDDLETOWN, Ohio (AP) - The ci

MIDDLETOWN, Ohio (AP) - The city's tax superintendent has been suspended without pay for a week for trying to inject some humor in the city income tax filing instructions.
The forms - with such lines as, "If we can tax it, we will," - were sent last week to all Middletown businesses and residents who pay city income tax.
The attempt at humor by Linda Stubbs was called "misguided" by city Finance Director John Lyons.
Lyons said revised forms were sent out immediately at a cost to taxpayers of about $5,500.
Among the lines that city officials didn't think were very funny was this one:
"Free advice: if you don't have a profit in a five-year period, you might want to consider another line of work."
Middletown is about 25 miles northeast of Cincinnati.

It seems a farm boy accide...

It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon-load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Wilmer!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in and have a bite with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up."

"That's mighty nice of you," Wilmer answered. "But I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Aw, come on." the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Wilmer thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is your Pa?"

Wilmer replied, "Under the wagon."

Whitney Cummings: Naked Photo Texts

I have girlfriends who will text message naked photos of themselves to their man. Which, I guess the whole point of that is, to be like, Heres whats waiting for you at home, big boy. If I was to do a heres whats waiting for you at home photo shoot, I would take some pictures of the frigging dishes, the bills right now. My vaginas not waiting for you at home at all.

Chuck Norris originally appear...

Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked about this "glitch," Chuck replied, "That's no glitch."

Shut Up and Trouble were walki...

Shut Up and Trouble were walking down a path. Trouble got lost. So, Shut Up went to the police officer. The police officer asked, "What's your name?"
He answered, "Shut Up."
He asked again "What's your name?"
"Shut Up."
The police officer asked, "Are you looking for trouble?!"
"Yeah, I lost him down a path about two miles ago."

The hearing aid

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

My mother says she never holds...

My mother says she never holds grudges but then will blindside you with something that happened years ago.
Last week she said, "You know, you really hurt me on your birthday."
And I was like, "Which birthday was that?"
So she replied, "The first one. You have a really big head, you know."

I've started working as...

I've started working as a porn writer, but its harder than expected.
There's just so many holes in the plot.

I'm shy at first but

I'm shy at first but… i do the stupidest random shit when i get comfortable with someone.

Public Service Joke

June 23rd is United Nations Public Service Day! Find joke about it!

A man goes to the post office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine."
"Have you ever served in the military?"
"Yes," he says. "I was in Iraq for two years."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points towards employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's service!
Well, that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations, you've got enough points for me to hire you right now.
Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm.
You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"
"This is a government job," the interviewer says.
"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our...
you know what.
No point in you coming in for that.

"

#unitednationspublicserviceday #publicserviceday