Jokes of the day for Sunday, 27 December 2020
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 27 December 2020 |
Rural America is being asked t
Rural America is being asked to bale out Wall Street. Most Americans don't understand the crisis, so it had to be explained to them in Lehman's terms. The bulls have lost; how quickly the Bears Sterns! The bank CEOs have been advised to keep off the streets, lest they be Merrilly Lynched.Like A Roll of Toilet Paper
Life is like a roll of toilet paper...
The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes!
An older gent had an appointme
An older gent had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. He approached the receptionist desk. The receptionist was a large imposing woman who looked like a wrestler.He gave her his name. In a very loud voice the receptionist said, "Yes, I see your name here. You want to see the doctor about impotence, right?"
All of the patients in the waiting room snapped their head around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud voice replied, "No, I've come to inquire about a sex change operation and I'd like the same doctor that did yours!"
Blind date....
"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.
"Terrible!" the room-mate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner."
A little boy asked his teacher...
A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom,so she said yes. When he went to wipe his bum there was no toilet paper so he used his hands. When he got back to class his teacher asked, 'What do you have in your hand.'The boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away.'He was then sent to the principals office and the principal asked him, 'What do you have in your hand.'
So the little boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away.' He was sent home and his mom asked him 'What do you have in your hand.'
So the little boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away.' He was sent to his room and his dad came in and said, 'What do you have in your hand.' So again the little boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he get scared away.'
Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, 'Open your hands!'
And the little boy said, 'Look Dad you scared the crap out of him.'
Josh Sneed: After-Christmas Sale
I was walking back through this mall in January; there was a girl in front of Victorias Secret who stopped me. She was like, Hey, hows it going? I was like, Good, how are you? She goes, Well, Im curious, are you shopping for a wife or girlfriend today? I was like, No, why? She goes, Well, were having this after-Christmas sale, and all our bras are 50% off. And I go, I like when your bras are 100% off. A wife went to the police stat...
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."
The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
Nude Tiptoer
A woman who plays cards one night a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke up her husband when she came home around 11:30.
So she decided to be considerate and not rouse him this time. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom, only to find him sitting up in bed, reading.
"Oh No!" he exclaimed. "Did you lose EVERYTHING?!?"
Chuck Norris invented the Caes...
Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb. 30 Bacon jokes to celebrate International Bacon Day
The first Saturday in September is International Bacon Day and a day to enjoy all things bacon, including bacon jokes!
What is a pig’s favorite song?
"Don’t Go Bacon My Heart."
What’s a bacon lover’s favorite musical?
"Grease."
What’s a bacon lover’s favorite horror movie?
"Frankenswine."
What do you call a dinosaur wrapped in bacon?
Jurrasic Pork.
Why did the pig run naked across the football field?
He was streaky bacon.
Why did the bacon strip laugh?
Because the fried egg cracked a yolk!
What kind of ice cream do pigs like best?
Hoggin Daz.
Who was the smartest bacon lover that ever lived?
Albert Ein-swine.
What’s a bacon enthusiast’s favorite play?
"Hamlet."
What’s the most successful pick-up line in history?
"I’ve got bacon."
What do you call a fir tree covered in bacon?
A porky-pine!
Why was the cruise ship passenger thrown overboard?
He was hogging the bacon at the buffet.
What’s the best way to eat turkey bacon?
Gobble it up!
How do you know if the bacon you bought is real?
The package is marked ‘gen-u-swine.’
What pig is used to make spicy bacon?
Peppa Pig.
What color is the best cooked bacon?
Ma-hog-any.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede?
Bacon and legs.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in the skillet?
Take away its tiny broom.
How many vegans does it take to eat a strip of crispy, delicious bacon?
Just one, if no one’s looking!
What would happen if pigs could fly?
The price of bacon would skyrocket!
Why did the pig go on Ancestry.com?
He wanted to read about history in the bacon.
With what crime was the bacon thief charged?
Hamburglary.
Why was the meat packer fired?
He was bringing home the bacon.
What should you use to write secret messages about bacon?
Invisible oink.
Why did the bacon delivery driver get a traffic ticket?
He was being a road hog.
What’s the name of the best pawn shop for selling bacon?
Ham Hocks.
What’s the best vehicle for delivering bacon?
A pigup truck.
What do you call a pig who gets the test answer wrong?
Mistaken bacon.
Why did the pig go into the kitchen?
He felt like bacon.
What did the pig say at the beach?
"It’s so hot, I’m bacon!"
Math Teacher
The night before one exam, two students tied one on, (well, actually, tied two on, one each), and managed to sleep through the final. They realized they were in serious trouble, so they agreed to tell the professor that they had a flat tire on the way to the exam.
``No problem." said the Professor, ``Come by my office at 5 P.M. and I'll give you the exam then."
Feeling pretty clever, the students spent the intervening time getting information on the exam from students who had already taken it, and making sure they knew how to do the problems. Coming to the professor's office that evening, they were told, ``Leave your books in my office, and I'll put you in two separate rooms for the exam." They were both ecstatic to see that the Professor had given them the exact same exam taken by the class that morning. However, there was an additional page tacked on the end, upon which was written, "For 50% of the grade, which tire was flat?"
New broom...
A woman was waiting in the check-out line at a shopping center. Her basket was filled with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious that she was in a hurry and not happy about the slowness of the line.
When the cashier called for yet another price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked, indignantly, "Well, at this rate, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"
"Don't worry, Ma'am," replied the clerk. "With all that wind kicking up over there and that brand new broom you have in your basket, you'll be home in no time."
Grandmother started walking
'My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where the hell she is.'
Ellen DeGeneres (January 26 1958-)
Picture: Kevin Winter/Getty Images
Out of Eden
A Sunday school teacher asked her students to draw a picture of their favorite Old Testament story. As she moved around the class, she saw there were many wonderful drawings being done. Then she came across the drawing of one little boy. He was busy drawing a man driving an old car. In the backseat were two passengers—both scantily dressed.”"It's a lovely picture,” prompted the teacher, “but which story does it tell?”
The little boy seemed surprised at the question. “Well,” he exclaimed, “doesn't it say in the Bible that God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden?”
