Jokes of the day for Friday, 01 January 2021
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 01 January 2021 |
Twitter Soldiers
Why don't Twitter users make good soldiers?
Because they're always too quick to retweet.
The "Claven Theory" offers the
The "Claven Theory" offers the besy proof that beer actually does make you smarter....."One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. and here's how it went:Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
Don't you feel smarter after a few?
Patient:" I'm in a hospital!
Patient:" I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?"Doctor: "You've had an accident involving a bus."
Patient: "What happened?"
Doctor: "Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?"
Patient: "Give me the bad news first."
Doctor: "Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them."
Patient: "That's terrible! What's the good news?"
Doctor: "There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers."
I'm gonna have one....
There was a businessman, and he was not feeling well, so he went to see the doctor about it. The doctor says to him, "Well, it must be your diet, what sort of greens do you eat?"
The man replies, "Well, actually, I only eat peas, I hate all other green foods."
The doctor was quite shocked at this and says, "Well man, that's your problem, all those peas will be clogging up your system, you'll have to give them up!!" The guy says, "But how long for, I mean I really like peas!"
The doctor replies, "Forever, I'm afraid."
The man is quite shocked by this, but he gives it a go and sure enough, his condition improves, so he realizes that he will never eat a pea again.
Anyway, one night, years later, he's at a convention for his employer and is getting quite sloshed and one of the reps says, "Well, ashully, I'd love a cigarette, coz I avint ad a smoke in four years, I gave it up, but tonight I'm gonna have one."
The bartender hears this and says, "Really, I haven't had a game of golf in 3 years, because it cost me my first marriage, so I gave it up! But tomorrow I'm going to sneak a quick one."
The businessman then says, "Thas nuvving, I haven't ad a pea in 6 years"
The bartender jumps up screaming, "Okay, everyone who can't swim, grab a table..."
A guy is sitting at a bar ...
A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. He grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him. The astonished guy asks "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the GROUND!!!". The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, slams it down, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all....SPLAT!!!!!! The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him, "You're really an jerk when you're drunk, Superman."
Chuck Norris' credit cards hav...
Chuck Norris' credit cards have no limit. Last weekend, he maxed them out.Offer, Retracted.
A good-looking guy is sitting in a bar, sipping a whiskey. He notices a gorgeous woman at the end of the bar, talking with a friend. He calls over a waiter, and sends them both a martini, along with a note asking for the gorgeous woman's phone number.
Ten minutes later, the friend walks over with a note. It reads:
"Unless you have a Mercedes parked outside, a million bucks in the bank, and eight inches in your pants, you're not getting anything from me."
The man finishes his whiskey, considering his response. He then writes this down on a piece of paper, hands it to the friend, and walks out:
"Actually, I only have about $300k in the bank; most of my net worth is in the three dozen buildings I own downtown. And today, I'm driving the Porsche; the Benz, Hummer, and Lamborghini are currently at my summer residence.
But If you think I'm cutting off two inches for you, you can fuck right off."
A farmer walked into a bar and...
A farmer walked into a bar and saw the local tractor salesman sitting there, head hung low, obviouslyupset, drowning his sorrows in his beer."What's up, John?" asked the farmer. "Gosh Bob, I'll tell you what ... if I don't sell a tractor soon, I'm gonnahave to close my shop."
"Now John, things could be worse," said Bob.
"How do you figure?" asked John.
"Well, John - you know my 'ornery cow, Bessie? I went to milk her this morning and she just kept flickingher tail in my face. So I grabbed a piece of rope and tied it up to the rafter. Then, the nasty thing wentand kicked the bucket away! So I tied her leg to the wall. Then she kicked my stool right out fromunderneath me!
But I was out of rope. So I took my belt off and used it to tie her other leg to the other side of the stall.Well wouldn't you just know it...my damn pants fell down."
"And John, if you can convince my wife that I was in there to MILK that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you.
Adam and Eve had it good
Q. Why were Adam and Eve the happiest couple that's ever lived? A. Because they didn't have in-laws!
Which Way?
Geography teacher asked if I could name a country with no 'R' in it.
I said, "No way!"
Gone Camping
Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect lake camping and riding trip.
Two days before the group is to leave Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.
"Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?"
I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said, "now, you can do what ever you want."
So here I am.
Hair Color
An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him. The boy's hair was yellow, green, orange, and purple. He had black makeup around his eyes. The old man just stared at him.
Finally the boy said, "what's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?"
The old man thought for a while and answered, "well yes actually, I have, I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."
Jigsaw puzzle
A group of girls walks into a bar. One of the women tells the bartender to line up a row of drinks for all of them. The gals lift their glasses and toast: "Here's to 51 days!" and they proceed to down their drinks.
Once again, they tell the bartender to "line 'em up" and once again they toast 51 days and down their drinks.
The bartender says: "I don’t get it. Why in the world are you toasting 51 days?"
One of the girl explains: "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It had written on the box '2-4 years' but we finished it in only 51 days!"
A southern farmer got in his p...
A southern farmer got in his pickup and drove several miles to a neighboring farmand knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy, about 12, opened the door. "Is yerpa home?" he asked. "No sir, he sure ain't," the boy replied. "He went to town."
"Well," said the farmer. "Is yer ma home?"
"No, she ain't here either. She went to town with pa." "Well, then, how about yer brother, Joe, is he here?" "No sir, hewent with pa and ma."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from onefoot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I kin do fer ya'?" inquired the young boy politely. "I know whereall the tools are, if you want to borry one; Or maybe I could take a message ferpa."
Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer pa. It's aboutyour brother Joe getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to pa about that," he finallyconceded. "I know that pa charges $500 for the bull and $250 for the boar hog, butI really don't know how much he gets for Joe."
