Jokes of the day for Friday, 06 May 2022
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 06 May 2022 |
Ben went on safari with his wi...
Ben went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.Ben picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.
The wife said, "What are we going to do?"
"Nothing," said Ben, "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."
My garden came up crooked. It&
My garden came up crooked. It's true what they say about the best laid plants…A New Teller
First man: "I hear the First National Bank is looking for a new teller."
Second man: "I thought they just hired a new teller last week."
First man: "Right, that's the one they're looking for."
Rooney on Answering machines
Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, It's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is "Share the love."
"Beep." "Uh, yeah. . . this is the VD clinic calling. . .Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love."
-- Andy Rooney
Morality
If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?A Blonde goes over to her fri
A Blonde goes over to her friend's houseWearing a T.G.I.F. T-shirt.'Why are you wearing a Thank GodIt's Friday tee-shirt on Monday?'
'Oh crap!' the blonde says. 'I didn'tRealize it was a religious T-shirt. I thought it meant Tits Go In Front'
There are no races, only count...
There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.Team Spirit
At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach.
"Now go over there and explain it to your mother."
A couple pulled into the drive...
A couple pulled into the driveway after their first date. The guy leans over and gives the girl a long, slow kiss. While he's kissing her, he quietly unzips his pants, takes her hand, and puts it on his penis.When she realizes what it is, she screams, jumps out of the car, and yells back at him as she starts closing the car door, "I've got just two words for you, Drop Dead!!"
"And I've got two words for you too," the guy shrieks, "LET GO!!!!"
What would you like to hear?
3 buddies die in a car crash, they go to an orientation in Heaven.
They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'LOOK! HE'S MOVING!!'"
Can You Hear Him?
On his first day back to work after the birth of his son, Randy's supervisor said, "I understand you have a new youngster at your house?"
Randy glanced around apprehensively, "For heaven's sake, you can't hear him all the way out here, can you?"
Winter is here! Collection of 76 Winter Jokes
1. Why did the snowman hold up his arms?
He was told to freeze.
2. What did the black ice ask the car?
Wanna go for a spin?
3. How do you know when a snowman is scared?
He's sitting in yellow snow.
4. What did the mitten say to the hand?
I've got you covered.
5. Why did the reindeer have a limp?
He took a snowfall.
6. What's the difference between ice and icicle?
Ice has noel.
7. Why is a sled always discouraged?
It's continuously on a downward slide.
8. What do you call a cold thief?
A brrrr-glar.
9. Why was there a puddle in front of the fireplace?
A snowman was trying to warm himself.
10. What is the purpose of bundling up?
Anti-freeze.
11. How does Jack Frost keep warm?
With a thick blanket of snow.
Christmas is almost here, check out Christmas jokes in our Christmas jokes collection
12. Why did the snowman leave?
He had a meltdown.
13. What happens when you catch a cold?
You get cabin fever.
14. Where does a snowman store his cash?
In a snowbank.
15. What is the best way to build a snow fort?
I-gloo it together.
16. Why does Frosty's wife look so young?
She uses cold cream on her face.
17. What happens when a mosquito lands on a snowman?
He gets frostbite.
18. Why did the two snowmen part ways?
One was just too flaky.
19. When is an igloo a bad investment?
During global warming.
20. What are little snowmen called?
Chill-dren.
21. What is a snowman's favorite breakfast cereal?
Frosted Flakes.
22. When does winter begin?
When autumn leaves.
23. How did the snowman get flattened?
Instead of his usual snow shower, he went for an avalanche.
24. Why are polar bears so big?
Because they snack on ice cream and snow cones.
25. How does a snowman lose weight?
He drinks only hot chocolate.
26. What has the best chance of surviving a fall?
Snow.
27. How does Jack Frost stay so thin?
He only eats iceberg lettuce.
28. How does Santa like his cookies?
With lots of ice-ing.
29. What fish do you catch in the winter?
Frozen fish sticks.
30. Why should you invite an ice fisherman to your party?
To help break the ice.
31. What is sure to stop a snowball fight?
A hail storm.
32. How does a snowman travel through town?
On bi-cicle.
33. Who is Frosty's favorite aunt?
Aunt Artica.
34. Why was the snowman looking through the carrots?
He was picking his nose.
35. What do you call a hot-tempered snowman?
A puddle.
36. How did the man feel after being buried under the avalanche?
A bit under the weather.
37. How did the snowman know he was getting sick?
He had the chills.
38. What type of beer is served in Iceland?
Only drafts.
39. How do mountain tops handle the cold?
They put on their snow caps.
40. What's easy to catch and hard to get rid of?
A cold.
41. Knock, knock. Who's there? Snow. Snow who?
Snow body.
42. When will you see snowmen dance?
At a snowball.
43. What did the snowman's wife put over the baby crib?
A snowmobile.
44. What gift should you never give a snowman?
An electric blanket.
45. How do you know when you have angered a snowman?
You'll get the cold shoulder.
46. What do you call a reindeer without eyes?
I have no eye deer.
47. What did a police officer ask a suspect in the Arctic?
Where were you the night of September to March?
48. What do you call 5 snowshoe hares bouncing backward in the snow?
A receding hare line.
49. Who protects snowmen?
Snow angels.
50. Why should you wear a helmet during a hail storm?
So you don't get knocked out cold.
51. Why are snowmen so well-behaved?
They don't want to end up in the greenhouse.
52. What did the scarf say to the hat?
You go on ahead and I'll just hang around.
53. How do snowmen get smarter?
From the winternet.
54. What do the elves eat for lunch in the North Pole?
Cold cuts and chilly.
55. What did one snowflake say to another?
Let's stick together.
56. How can you tell when a snowman is embarrassed?
He begins to slush.
57. What song do you sing to honor a snowman?
Freeze a jolly good fellow.
58. What is the elf's favorite time at the workshop?
Snow and tell.
59. How do you defend yourself against a snowman?
With a heat gun.
60. What do you call a snapshot from the North Pole?
A polaroid.
61. Why is it easy to build a blonde snowman?
It's made up of flakes.
62. What do trees say after winter is over?
What a re-leaf!
63. Why do polar bears live by themselves?
They like the ice-olation.
64. Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot. You can easily catch a cold.
65. What do you call a penguin in the city?
Lost.
66. What does a snowman take when he's afraid of melting?
A chill pill.
67. What dilemma does a snowman with achy muscles have?
Wondering whether or not IcyHot rub is a good idea.
68. Why do reindeer have fur?
Because snowsuits don't fit them.
69. What are the chances of a white Christmas?
Pretty good. It's Decembrrrrr.
70. What happens when you cross a wizard with a blizzard?
You get a cold spell.
71. Why do ski socks never make plans?
They're afraid they'll get cold feet.
72. How do you stay warm in any room during the winter?
Go into a corner. It's always 90 degrees.
73. How do you get a snowman to disappear?
Give him a warm hug.
74. What happens when you ask Santa for money?
He leaves cold hard cash.
75. Why did the orchestra set up in the snow?
They wanted to play "cool jazz."
76. How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed?
You wake up wet!
Newly Issued Alcohol Warnings
The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.
1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.
2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you
4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.
6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.
7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.
