Jokes of the day for Friday, 30 December 2022

Bless This Car

A rabbi, a priest and a minister have their houses of worship side by side, so they decide to carpool.On the first day, the other two are shocked to see the pastor lay hands on the hood and pray silently."What are you doing?" the priest asks.The pastor looks up. "I'm just dedicating the car to the Lord's service.""Good idea! Be right back!" the priest exclaims, running into his church. He emerges with a bulb on a short stick, shaking water out of it onto the car.The rabbi stares. "What are you doing?" he says."I'm consecrating it with holy water," the priest replies."Great idea!" the rabbi says, and runs into his synagogue's toolshed. He emerges with a hacksaw and takes off an inch of the tailpipe.

When it comes to Facebook,

When it comes to Facebook, the best defriends is a good offense.

They Both Looked Good

What do the Tampa Bay Lightning and the Titanic have in common?
They both looked good until they hit the ice!

Horse for sale

There was a preacher that was trying to sell his horse. A potential buyer came to the church for a test ride.

"Before you start" the preacher said,"you should know that this horse only responds to church talk. Go is praise the lord and stop is amen."

So the man on the horse says " Praise the lord," and the horse starts to trot. The man again says "Praise the lord," and the horse starts to gallop.

Suddenly there is a cliff right in front of the horse and the man yells "Amen!!!" The horse stops just at the edge of the cliff.

The man wipes the sweat from his brow and says "Praise the Lord."

Greeting Card Quest

A little boy had been pawing over the stock of greeting cards at a stationery store.
After a few minutes the clerk became curious and asked, "Just what is it you're looking for, sonny? Birthday greeting? Message to a sick friend? Anniversary congratulations to your mom and dad?"
The boy shook his head, "No."
"Then what kind of card is it that you want?" asked the clerk.
The boy answered wistfully, "Got anything in the line of blank report cards?"

A man was walking down the str...

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularlydirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollarsfor dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I giveyou this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can getjust to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" theman asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead offood?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'mgoing to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you fordoing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a manlooks like after he has given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."

Two blondes were in a parking ...

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't.

The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris...

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

Computer Flatlined..

I work in a busy office, and when a computer goes down it causes quite an inconvenience. Recently one of our computers not only crashed, it made a noise that sounded like a heart monitor.

"This computer has flat-lined," a co-worker called out with mock horror.

"Does anyone here know how to do mouse-to-mouse?"

A drunk walks into a crowded b...

A drunk walks into a crowded bar and takes the last barstool next to an older woman. After awhile, the woman starts to smell this horrible odor coming from the direction of the drunk. She turns to him and says, "Excuse me Mister, but did you just shit yourself?" The drunk replied, "Yes ma'am, I have indeed shit myself." The woman says, "Well, why don't you go somewhere and clean yourself up?"

The drunk says, "'Cause I'm not finished yet..."

New Hearing Aids

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He finally went to a doctor, and was fitted with excellent new hearing aids.
He returned a month later for a checkup, and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect! Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”

The gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven't told my family just yet. I still sit around quietly; but, now I listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times already.

Bike

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives to be civilized and kind to each other when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both..
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike."

22 Fresh Halloween jokes for 2020

Q: Why do ghosts go on diets?
A: So they can keep their ghoulish figures

Q: What does a panda ghost eat?
A: Bam-BOO!

Q: Why don’t mummies take time off?
A: They’re afraid to unwind.

Q: Why did the zombie skip school?
A: He felt rotten.

Q: What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A: A blood orange.

Q: Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
A: Dayscare centers!

Q: Why did the headless horseman go into business?
A: He wanted to get ahead in life.

Q: What kind of music do mummies like listening to on Halloween?
A: Wrap music.

Q: Why don’t mummies have friends?
A: Because they’re too wrapped up in themselves.

Q: Why did the vampire read the newspaper?
A: He heard it had great circulation.

Q: What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?
A: It’s a pain in the neck.

Q: What’s it called when a vampire has trouble with his house?
A: A grave problem.

Q: What do you call a cleaning skeleton?
A: The grim sweeper. Q:

Q: Why did the vampire need mouthwash?
A: Because he had bat breath.

Q: What do you call a witch’s garage?
A: A broom closet.

Q: What kind of food would you find on a haunted beach?
A: A sand-witch!

Q: What's a witch's favorite makeup?
A: Ma-scare-a.

Q: Who helps the little pumpkins cross the road safely?
A: The crossing gourd.

Q: What treat do eye doctors give out on Halloween?
A: Candy corneas.

Q: What type of plants do well on all Hallow’s Eve?
A: Bam-BOO!

Q: Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?
A: Because they have no-body to go with.

A woman went into a busy cake...

A woman went into a busy cake shop and when it was her turn to be served she commented, "You know, I came into this shop 15 years ago when I was just a girl."
Snapped the harassed shop assistant, "I'm sorry about that but I'm serving as fast as I can."

Shy pebble, and few more new funny jokes

What's the difference between toilet paper and curtains?
I don't know.
So it was YOU!

What’s it called when you steal your bike back from the thief?
Recycling.

My friend couldn't pay his water bill,
so I sent him a "get well soon" card

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

I was trying to steal some spaghetti from the local supermarket
... but the security lady saw me and I couldn't get pasta

I once met a shy pebble.
She wished she was a little bolder.

I think my wife had sixty one partners before me
…she calls me her sixty second lover

Earth is 70% water and uncarbonated.
Technically…
it is flat.

What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.