Jokes of the day for Saturday, 06 May 2023
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 06 May 2023 |
35 safe short jokes and puns
1. Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself?
Because it was two-tired!
2. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
A thesaurus!
3. Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole-in-one!
4. Why did the picture go to jail?
Because it was framed!
5. What do you call a group of musical whales?
An orca-stra!
6. What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!
7. Why did the math book look sad?
Because it had too many problems!
8. What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work?
A can’t opener!
9. How do you catch a squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a nut!
10. What is the skeleton’s favorite musical instrument?
A trombone!
11. Why couldn’t the pony sing a lullaby?
She was a little horse!
12. Why was the belt arrested?
For holding up a pair of pants!
13. How do you organize a space party?
You planet!
14. Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
Because it felt crummy!
15. What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back?
A stick!
16. What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?
Bison!
17. Why did the chicken go to the seance?
To get to the other side!
18. What do you call a snobbish criminal going downstairs?
A condescending con descending!
19. How does a train eat?
It goes chew-chew!
20. Why don’t oysters donate to charity?
Because they’re shellfish!
21. What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef!
22. What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt!
23. Why did the scarecrow become a motivational speaker?
Because he always found a way to lift people’s crops!
24. What do you call a nosy pepper?
Jalapeño business!
25. How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it!
26. Why did the crab never share?
Because he was shellfish!
27. What do you get when you cross a computer and a lifeguard?
A screensaver!
28. Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t peeling well!
29. What do you call a cow that can play an instrument?
A moosician!
30. What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?
Arrrrrrrr!
31. Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide!
32. What do you call a dog that can do magic?
A Labracadabrador!
33. What did the big flower say to the little flower?
Hi, bud!
34. What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roamin’ Catholic!
35. What did the traffic light say to the car?
Don’t look, I’m changing!!
Batteries Not Included
I was so unpopular at school they used to call me "Batteries"...
Because I was never included in anything.
If the Magi Were Women...
You know what would have happened if there had been three wise WOMEN instead of three wise MEN, don’t you?The three wise WOMEN would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the Baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and given practical gifts. 9 Months Later
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered he door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
Sign of the times...
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year olddaughter:Mother: 'What does the cow say?'
Child: 'Moooo!'
Mother: 'Great! What does the cat say?'
Child: 'Meow.'
Mother: 'Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?'
And this wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied, 'Bud.'
Morality
If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?A Blonde goes over to her fri
A Blonde goes over to her friend's houseWearing a T.G.I.F. T-shirt.'Why are you wearing a Thank GodIt's Friday tee-shirt on Monday?'
'Oh crap!' the blonde says. 'I didn'tRealize it was a religious T-shirt. I thought it meant Tits Go In Front'
There are no races, only count...
There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.Team Spirit
At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach.
"Now go over there and explain it to your mother."
A couple pulled into the drive...
A couple pulled into the driveway after their first date. The guy leans over and gives the girl a long, slow kiss. While he's kissing her, he quietly unzips his pants, takes her hand, and puts it on his penis.When she realizes what it is, she screams, jumps out of the car, and yells back at him as she starts closing the car door, "I've got just two words for you, Drop Dead!!"
"And I've got two words for you too," the guy shrieks, "LET GO!!!!"
People who have been single for too long
People who have been single for too long are the hardest to love. They have become so used to being single, independent and self-sufficient that it takes something extraordinary to convince them that they need you in their life. Experimental Pill
A lady goes to the doctor and complains her husband is losing interest in sex.
He gives her a pill but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it in his mashed potatoes at dinner. At dinner that night, she does just that.
About a week later she's back at the doctor and tells him, "The pill worked great! I put it in his mashed potatoes like you said.
It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, pushed all the food and dishes to the floor, grabbed me, ripped off all my clothes and ravaged me right there on the table."
The doctor says, "Oh dear -- I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill
was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."
The lady replied, "That's very kind - but I don't think the restaurant will let us back in anyway."
Decisions
There are three guys in a small boat and it's sinking fast. In the boat is a Frenchman, an American, and a Puerto Rican.
They decide that they have to throw some things overboard in order to save themselves.
"Well, I have too much of this wine and cheese," says the Frenchman, and he throws some overboard.
"Yeah, and I have too many bananas," says the Puerto Rican and he throws some overboard.
"Well, let me think," says the American, and he throws the Puerto Rican overboard.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
April Fool's Day Prank - Stuff doughnuts...
Stuff doughnuts with mayonnaise. 
