Jokes of the day for Sunday, 02 July 2023
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 02 July 2023 |
Grass thief
After being turfed from his job, the grass thief was sod by police.There was evidence that he was carrying a blade.
Also, he sent his wife a John Deere letter.
But before lawn he was caught.
The man said “I just can't run no mower.”
World UFO Day Jokes
July 2nd is World UFO Day! Find jokes about it!
Why don't aliens visit our planet? Terrible ratings. One star.
Have u heard about the University For Oceans?I heard the education is out of the world.
Why don’t aliens get hungry after being blasted into space?
Because they’ve just had a big launch
I have never seen a UFO before.
I’m always able to correctly identify the flying object
Where do aliens park their flying saucers?
At a parking meteor.
Today I got hit by a UFO
Then I turned around and looked down and I found a frisbee
I had my first UFO experience this morning
I walked into the kitchen and confessed to my mum that killed her prize Orchid. The next thing I knew, there were flying saucers coming at me from everywhere!
What do you call an alien spaceship that’s leak water?
A crying saucer.
What do you call a pizza chef on an aeroplane?
A flying sauce-er.
#worldufoday #ufoday
10 Things You Never Hear in Church
1. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew!2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.3. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.4. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.6. Forget the denominational minimum salary. Let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.7. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!8. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.9. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!Dancing Duck
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"
"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"
Rookie's First Assignment...
A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.
The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner, people."
A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off that corner...NOW!" Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.
Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"
"Pretty good," chuckled the verteran policemen, "especially since this is a bus stop!"
Weekend at Daves..
Starting the car for the long trip back into the city, Thorn and Bill said their final good-byes to their good friend, Curly David."Thanks for puttin' us up for the weekend, pal," said Thorn.
"The food was great, the booze and dope were superb, and I really enjoyed fucking your wife."
Shortly after hitting the road, Bill turned to Thorn and said, "I hope you weren't serious about enjoying fucking his wife!"
"No, I wasn't serious. She was lousy."
Jay Mohr: Why the English Hate Americans
I dont know if youve ever been to England, but as soon as they find out youre from America, they hate you. They just think theyre more sophisticated than we are. Theyre so pissed at us. You know what it is? Theyre mad because they lost the Revolutionary War, and they should be because there was only like nine of us. Lightbulb Joke Collection 94
Q: How many archaeologists does does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to change it and two to argue about how old the old one is.
Q: How many preservation society members does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, but it takes a year to find an antique Edison light bulb so it'll be architecturally accurate.
Q: How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Five. Four to do it in perfect synchrony and one to stand there going "To the left, and to the left, and to the left, and to the left, and take it out, and put it down, and pick it up, and put it in, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right..."
Q: How many science fiction writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to screw in the light bulb, and one to say, "In 1876, Jules Verne had the first intimations that electrostatic power was a viable energy alternative. Hitherto, the only sources ..."
Q: How many science fiction writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two, but it's actually the same person doing it. He went back in time and met himself in the doorway and then the first one sat on the other one's shoulder so that they were able to reach it. Then a major time paradox occurred and the entire room, lightbulb, changer and all was blown out of existence. They co-existed in a parallel universe, though.
Q: How many signal processing engineers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to Fouriev transform the lightbulb, one to apply a complex exponential rotational shifting operator, and one to inverse transform the removed lightbulb.
Q: How many aerospace engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. It doesn't take a rocket scientist, you know.
Q: How many Einsteins does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: That depends on the speed of the changer, and the mass of the bulb. Or vice versa, of course. Then it just might be easier to leave the bulb alone and change the room. It's all relative.
Change
Don't change so people will like you. Be yourself and the right people will love the real you. Unless you are an asshole. Then you should change.
Grandpa: boy, how many miles d...
Grandpa: boy, how many miles do you walk to school?Boy: about a half mile.
Grandpa: when I was your age I walked eight miles to school every day. Boy, what are your grades like?
Boy: they are mostly B's.
Grandpa: when I was your age I got all A's. Boy, have you ever gotten into a fight?
Boy: only two times and the boy beat me up.
Grandpa: When I was your age I was in a fight every day. Boy, how old are you?
Boy: 9 years old.
Grandpa: when I was your age I was 11
World Translation Day Jokes
On 30th September we celebrate World Translation Day! Find jokes about it below:
What do you call a translator who is always on time?
A punctual linguist.
A linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive.
However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.”
A voice from the back of the room retorted, “Yeah, right.”
Two translators on a ship are talking.“Can you swim?” asks one.“No” says the other, “but I can shout for help in nine languages.”
#worldtranslationday
