Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 03 July 2024
Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 03 July 2024 |
Texas Traffic
I was on vacation in Texas, and was appalled by Dallas' chaotic traffic.
I asked the bellhop at the hotel why it was so disorderly.
"In some countries, they drive on the right, in others on the left. Here, we drive in the shade."
Half-Fare Special
![Half-Fare Special](/jokes-archive/2022/07/20/Half-Fare-Special.jpg.400.jpg)
One of the airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips.
Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"
Gourmet Reporter
![Gourmet Reporter](/jokes-archive/2015/08/02/Gourmet-Reporter.jpg.400.jpg)
A magazine reporter is traveling through a rainforest, in search of a fabled cannibalistic tribe. He falls into a trap, goes unconscious and wakes up tied to a stake with a fire burning slowly underneath him.
He cries out for help, and is answered by what is obviously one of the tribesmen, who informs him that he is going to be served as dinner to the leader of the tribe.
"But you don't understand!" he cries, "You can't do this to me! I'm an editor for the New Yorker magazine!"
"Ah," replies the tribesman, "Well soon you will be editor-in-chief!"
Can't touch this
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.Nun Sees A Naked Man
![Nun Sees A Naked Man](/jokes-archive/2011/07/03/Nun-Sees-A-Naked-Man.jpg.400.jpg)
After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and they discussed their predicament in great depth. Finally the priest said to the nun, "you know sister, I am about to die, and there's always been one thing I've wanted here on earth--to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?"
The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, "well, Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?"
With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?"
The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life."
"Well," responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it in the camel!"
Boyfriend 4.0
Last year, many women upgraded their BOYFRIEND 3.1 toBOYFRIEND PLUS 1.0
(marketing name: FIANCE 1.0) and then further upgraded
FIANCE 1.0 to
HUSBAND 1.0. They found that 1.0 is a memory hogger and
incompatible to
many other programs in their lives. HUSBAND 1.0 includes
plug-ins such
as MOTHER-IN-LAW, BROTHER-IN-LAW, and ANNOYING LOSER FRIENDS
although
market research has clearly shown that they are unnecessary
and
unwanted.
The upcoming BOYFRIEND 4.0 will change all that. Created by
leading
experts in the field and based upon years of research and
classroom
lectures, it includes the best of the old features, such as
the HANDYMAN
FUNCTION, and includes many new functions such as the
OPTIONAL
COMMITMENT FEATURE. Other immature functions, such as BEER
GUZZLING and
CAT CALLING have been removed, though they can still be
found on FRATBOY
1.1
BOYFRIEND 4.0 will include:
- An AUTOMATIC REMINDER BUTTON AND PAY ATTENTION FEATURE (so
I don't
have to repeat myself)
- MINIMIZE BUTTON
- SHUTDOWN FEATURE
- SHOPPING FUNCTION
- A BACK-UP ENERGY SUPPLY, so it won't fall asleep after sex
- A LAUNDRY, COOKING, & HOUSECLEANING FUNCTION
- DIAPER-CHANGING FUNCTION, for the more advanced users
- A SELF DESTRUCT SEQUENCE, so once it's uninstalled it
won't come back
- A MONOGAMY FEATURE
- AUTOMATIC OVERRIDE that kicks in right before they're
about to say
ANYTHING even remotely stupid
How To Please a Woman
![How To Please a Woman](/jokes-archive/2012/07/03/How-To-Please-a-Woman.jpg.400.jpg)
hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are
without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it
works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor-by-floor, and once you
find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to
decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads:
"All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends
laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short
and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends
continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here
are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so,
knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are
tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in
when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering
what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This
floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a
woman."
Christopher Titus: Terror Alert Level
![Christopher Titus: Terror Alert Level](/jokes-archive/2011/07/03/Christopher-Titus-3A-Terror-Alert-Level.jpg.400.jpg)
First Date
![First Date](/jokes-archive/2013/05/15/First-Date.jpg.400.jpg)
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?
His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.
"I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes."
"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.
"We hadn't started eating yet."
Dave Attell likes it when a woman is on top
![Dave Attell likes it when a woman is on top](/jokes-archive/2015/01/08/Dave-Attell-likes-it-when-a-woman-is-on-top.jpg.400.jpg)
I like when a woman is on top. Because, when a woman's on top you know what your job is?
Not to die!
@attell. http://on.cc.com/1BuUmsO
A professor of chemistry wante...
![A professor of chemistry wante...](/jokes-archive/2009/12/21/A-professor-of-chemistry-wante-.jpg.400.jpg)
Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
A man walks into a chemist's ...
![A man walks into a chemist's ...](/jokes-archive/2015/03/04/A-man-walks-into-a-chemist-s-.jpg.400.jpg)
A man walks into a chemist's and says, "Can I have a bar of soap, please?" The chemist says, "Do you want it scented?" And the man says, "No, I'll take it with me now".
Ronnie Barker (1929-2005)
Picture: Getty
Few classic Dad Jokes, and few very fresh
![Few classic Dad Jokes, and few very fresh](/jokes-archive/2023/10/05/Few-classic-Dad-Jokes-and-few-very-fresh.jpg.400.jpg)
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
I tell dad jokes all the time even though I’m not actually a dad
I’m a faux pa.
I changed all my passwords to 'Kenny'
Now I have all Kenny Loggins
What did the duck say when he bought the chap-stick?
Put it on my bill.
I dreamt last night that I was a muffler...
I woke up exhausted.
A friend had a new baby girl. Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: "Melanie Noelle."
Her coworker: "How do you spell it, then?"
I spent all my money collecting every bird species in my zoo, except one. My wife hates it.
But I have no egrets.
Condoms
![Condoms](/jokes-archive/2013/03/26/Condoms.jpg.400.jpg)
One day on the way home from work, I stopped at the local Pharmacy and while I was checking out, I picked up some candy to take home for me and my 7-year old son. It was a bag of Gold Coins (Gold Foil- covered chocolate candy coins).
There were many sizes, from dime to dollar. I took the bag home, and me and my son opened the bag and ate all of the coins, my son taking the bigger dollar-sized ones and me taking the smaller ones.
The next day, my wife, my son and I stopped at the Pharmacy again to pick up a few things. While my wife and I were shopping, we noticed that my son had picked up a Gold Coin Condom. Before we could catch him, he took it up to the counter and asked the Pharmacist, "What's this?"
The woman, looking very serious, said, "That's a condom, son."
To which my son replied, "My daddy BOUGHT me some of these yesterday!"
With a disgusted look on her face, the Pharmacist replied, "Those are NOT for children, young man."
And finally, my son replied, "Then I'll buy this one for my Daddy. He likes the LITTLE ones!"
Toilet Jokes Which Don't Stink
![Toilet Jokes Which Don't Stink](/jokes-archive/2023/07/12/Toilet-Jokes-Which-Don-t-Stink.jpg.400.jpg)
Last week, I ran out of toilet paper and started using old newspapers instead.
All I can say is that The Times are really rough.
Do you know the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain?
Ah, so it’s you who’s been making a mess of my bathroom!
Do you know the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain?
Ah, so it’s you who’s been making a mess of my bathroom!
Why was Eeyore down the toilet?
Because he was looking for Pooh!
Why did the toilet roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom!
Did you hear about the film ‘Constipated’?
It never came out!
There are two reasons you shouldn’t drink from the toilet.
Number one and number two!
Doctor, doctor! I think I have a bladder infection!
I see urine trouble!
Why did three witches call in the plumber?
Hubble bubble, toilet trouble!
Why can’t you hear a Pterodactyl using the bathroom?
Because the ‘P’ is silent.
I bought an Abba-branded toilet last week.
What a loo!
What did the poo say to the fart?
You blow me away!
Who saves the world by hanging out in the toilet?
Flush Gordon
What’s brown and sounds like a bell?
Dung!
Why didn’t the toilet paper make it across the road?
It got stuck in a crack.