Jokes of the day for Saturday, 10 August 2024

18 Lion Jokes, to Celebrate World Lion Day

Roaring with Laughter: 18 Lion Jokes to Celebrate World Lion Day on August 10th and Raise Awareness for Their Conservation

My grandfather has the heart of a lion,
And also a lifetime ban at the zoo.

What's the difference between a lion and a tiger?
A lion won't golf.
But a Tiger wood.

What did Spartacus say when the lion ate his wife?
Nothing, he was gladiator.

Why don’t lions like fast food?
Because they can’t catch it!

How does a lion stop a video?
He presses paws.

How does a lion greet the antelope it meets on the savannah?
“Pleased to eat you!”

Why did the lion eat the tightrope walker?
He wanted a well-balanced meal!

What happened to the lion who ate the comedian?
He felt funny!

Why don’t lions play cards in the wild?
Because of all the cheetahs!

What do you call a slow and clumsy lion?
A snailion.

What do you call a lion powered by a battery?
A Li-on.

What does a lion call his barber?
His mane man.

What do you call a lion that has eaten your mother’s sister?
An aunt-eater!

What do you call a lion at the North Pole?
Lost.

What does the lion say to his family before they eat a meal?
“Let us prey.

” Why was the lion always invited to the party?
Because he was a real mane attraction! What do you call a lion that doesn't lie?
A not-lion.

What do Christian lions say before they go hunting?
Pray for your supper.

What do you get when you cross a lion with a snowman?
A cold snap.

What lion will never roar?
A dandelion...

I Called Her Bluff

My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name.
So I called her Bluff.

The CEO calls a young employee into his office...

The CEO calls a young employee into his office.

CEO: When you joined the company, you were just an intern. Within a year, I promoted you from intern to associate, from associate to manager, and from manager to senior manager. I keep promoting you because I recognized your talent and hard work. Today, I’ve called you in to tell you that I’m preparing to promote you to vice president. Do you have anything to say?”

The young man replies, “Thanks.”

CEO: “Thanks? Is that really all you have to say to me?”

After thinking for a while, the young man finally spoke:

“Thanks, Dad.”

A grasshopper walks into a bar...

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'Hey, we have a drink named after you!'

The grasshopper looks surprised and says, 'You have a drink named Steve?'

The Devil

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.
Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.
When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply. The devil smiles and replies: "Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

Chuck Norris once leaned again...

Chuck Norris once leaned against a tower in Pisa, Italy.

Stock market report...

Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market

The Lawyer at the Pearly Gates

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, “What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it.” The teacher answered quickly, “That would be the Titanic.” St. Peter let her through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and figuring heaven didn’t REALLY need all the odors this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: “How many people died on the ship?” But the trash man had just seen the movie, too, and he answered, “about 1,500.”
“That’s right! You may enter,” said Peter.
Then St. Peter turned to the lawyer and said, “Name them.”
This joke was reprinted from "The Book of Catholic Jokes" by Deacon Tom Sheridan, with permission of ACTA Publications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.

Judge: Look here Mickey Mouse...

Judge: Look here Mickey Mouse, I cannot grant you a divorce from Minnie.
Mickey (stunned): Why not?
Judge: I have reviewed all the information you gave the court, but I can't find any evidence at all to support the grounds that she is crazy.
Mickey (exasperated): Your honor! I didn't say she was crazy... I said she was fu**ing Goofy!

Where ya from, Sam?

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.

"Sir," the usher said, "if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.

The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" the cop asked.

And with pain in his voice, Sam replied, "The balcony."

Barking Dog

Paddy and his missus are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog barking. It had been barking for hours and hours.
Suddenly, Paddy jumps out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this," and goes downstairs.
Paddy finally comes back up to bed and his wife says, "The dog is still barking. What have you been doing?"
Paddy says, "I've put their dog in our yard - now we'll see how they like it!"

Gallery Sale

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in her paintings that were on display.
"Well, I have good news and bad news," the owner responded. "The good news is that a gentleman noticed your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. I told him it would and he bought all 10 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"The gentleman was your doctor." 

John Paul and Lizzy

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below.

The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth,

'I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand.'

The Pope says, 'No way. You can't do that.'

The Queen says, 'Watch this.' So she waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union jacks on sticks and cheering and basically going ballistic.

So the Pope is standing there going, 'Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it.'

So he thinks for a minute and then he turns to her and says, 'I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head.'

The Queen says, 'No way. It can't be done.'

So the Pope head butts her.

Corporate Story

At a meeting, the Boss told a joke.
Everyone on the team laughed except one guy.
The Boss asked him, 'Didn’t you understand my joke?'
The guy replied, 'Oh I understood it, but I resigned this morning.'

One Sunday morning, the pastor...

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.
The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."
"Good morning, Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?"
The pastor replied, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked,"Which service, the 8:00 or the 9:30?"