Jokes of the day for Sunday, 18 August 2024
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 18 August 2024 |
A man walks into a pub with a rat on his shoulder
He takes a seat at the bar and orders a pint from the landlord.Landlord says "Uh, mate, you can't have that rat in here."
Man replies "Ah don't worry. You see, he's a special rat, he could out drink any man in this pub. Give me a pint and I'll show you."
The landlord is sceptical, but he brings the rat a pint. The man takes the rat off of his shoulder and dunks him into the pint. The rat swims around the glass and in seconds, the beer is gone.
This attracts the attention of the other patrons, and before long, everyone in the pub is buying drinks for the rat. He gets more pints and drains them all. One man buys him multiple shots, and the rat dips his head in each and downs them all.
After several rounds, the landlord says "alright, let's really put this rat to the test."
He gathers several bottles, and leads the patron upstairs to his bathroom, before filling the bathtub with spirits. The man plops the rat down in the bath, and the rat happily drains it, before keeling over, dead.
The man begins to weep. "My sweet friend, I can't believe he's gone."
The landlord places a hand on his shoulder to comfort him. "He was a truly unique creature. May we honour him by hanging his tail above the bar?" The man accepts this request, and the landlord cuts off the rat's tail, then takes it and hangs it above the bar.
Meanwhile, the rat floats on up to the pearly gates and is met by Mouse St. Peter, who invites him into Mouse Heaven.
"Hang on," says the rat, "I can't go to mouse heaven, I'm supposed to go to rat heaven."
Mouse St. Peter chuckles, looking the rat up and down, "why would you go to rat heaven? You're clearly a mouse. If you were a rat, you'd have a great stinking tail."
"You don't understand," says the rat, "some bloke on earth took my tail when I died. Look, if you could just send me back for a moment, I can get my tail back and prove to you I should be in rat heaven."
Mouse St. Peter thinks for a moment, then snaps his fingers, and suddenly the rat, now a ghost, is back in the bathtub. He scuttles back down to the bar, where he finds the landlord closing up.
"You there, landlord!" says the rat, "I need my tail back so I can get into rat heaven!"
The landlord, startled by the presence of a rat he thought to be deceased, stares at the rat in disbelief. "Y-you're supposed to be dead!"
"I know," says the rat, "and if you can just get me my tail, I'll be on my way."
The landlord looks to the rat, then to the tail behind the bar.
"I'm sorry my furry friend, I'd love to help, but I'm afraid I can't serve spirits after hours."
Workout Routine
I started a new workout routine this week, doing crunches twice a day...
I do Cap'n in the morning and Nestle's in the afternoon.
The blind salesman
A guy goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. He doesn't know which one to get, so he just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart associate standing there with dark shades on. He says, "Excuse me, Sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Sir, I'm blind, but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." The guy didn't believe him but dropped it on the counter anyway.
He said, "Thats a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel, and it's $20.00."
The guy says, "It is amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for, so I'll take it."
He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the guy farts. At first he is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was him. Being blind, the salesman wouldn't know that he was the only other person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."
The guy says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?" He says, "Yes sir, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."
Chuck Norris does not go hunti...
Chuck Norris does not go hunting. Chuck Norris goes killing.Converting to the Society of Friends
Rabbi 1: We've got to do something. Many of the young people in our synagogue are converting to the Quaker faith.
Rabbi 2: I've noticed that too. In fact, some of my best Jews are Friends!
An enormously wealthy 65-year-old...
An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating proposing. "Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a friend.
"Your chances are better," said the friend, "if you tell her you're 90."
A guy who had forgotten the da...
A guy who had forgotten the dates for a number of his friends' and relatives' birthdays and anniversaries, decided to compile a list on the computer and have the dates highlighted on screen when the machine was turned on. He went to a number of computer stores to find a software program that would do the job but had no luck at the first few. Finally, he found one where the clerk seemed experienced.
"Can you recommend something that will remind me of birthdays and anniversaries?" the guy asked.
"Have you tried a wife?" the clerk responded.
Difference between hypothetical and reality
A little boy goes up to his father and asks: “Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?”
The father replies, “Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000.”
The boy goes and asks his mother: “Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?”
The mother replies, “Hell yes I would!”
The little boy returns to his father. “Dad, she said ‘Hell yes I would!'”
The father then says, “OK, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000.”
The boy asks his sister, “Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?”
The sister replies: “Hell yes I would!”
He returns to his father. “Dad, she said ‘Hell yes I would!'”
The father answers, “OK, son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores.”
The three old men were sitting...
The three old men were sitting around complaining about how much their hands shook. The first geezer said, "My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I cut my face!"
The second old fogy one-upped him. "My hands shake so bad that when I trimmed my garden yesterday I sliced all my flowers!"
The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times."
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit...
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it." A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair." His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"
