Jokes of the day for Monday, 02 September 2024
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 02 September 2024 |
Going to Market
Two elderly gentlemen in their mid-80s meet in the lobby of their apartment building. Both being hard of hearing, one asked the other in a louder voice, "Are you going to the market?"
The other one replies, "No, no. I am going to the market."
The first gentleman says, "Oh, I thought you were going to the market."
Some short Labor Day Jokes
First Monday in September is Labor Day, enjoy Monday Off.
I had a joke about Labor Day...
unfortunately it didn’t work out
Did you hear the joke about Labor Day?
It really doesn’t work for me.
What’s a laborer’s favorite exercise?
“Work-outs!”
Have some jokes during 3 day weekend and check out some older Older Labor day jokes Read more on page:
Why do locksmiths work on Labor Day?Because they are key workers.
Why is it cheap to have zombie employees?
Because they don’t need a living wage.
What did the employee say at the end of the long weekend?
I guess it’s back to the grind!
What do you usually do on Labour Day?
As little as possible, just like every day!
Brendon Walsh: WMD Penis
My last girlfriend used to call my penis what I thought was a big, powerful, scary nickname. She was calling it a weapon of mass destruction. Sounded cool, but then I found out she was calling it that because she thought my penis was really hard to find. Chuck Norris doesn't mow his l...
Chuck Norris doesn't mow his lawn, he dares his grass to grow.A Roll Of The Dice
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at the craps tables for players when a gorgeous blonde lady wearing a huge fur coat walked in and asked if she could bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. The dealers said yes and were happy to oblige.
She then said, "I hope you don't mind, but I'll feel much luckier if I take off my coat." With that, she took off her coat and was wearing a skin-tight Wonder-woman outfit!
The men looked her up and down as she leaned over the table, rolled the dice, and yelled, "Come on baby, come on!"
She then jumped up and down, hugging each of the casino dealers while yelling "YES, I WIN! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, I WIN!!" With that, she picked up her winnings and quickly left.
The dealers stood there staring at each other dumbfounded, until one finally asked the other, "What the heck did she roll anyway?"
The second dealer answered, "I don't know. I thought you were paying attention!"
Britney and Christina Work Together
Britney Spears and Christina Aguliera were building a barn. While putting up the inside wall, Britney noticed that Christina was tossing every other nail into the garbage can.
Britney asked Christina, "Why are you throwing those nails away?" Christina said, "The pointed end is on the wrong end of the nail." Britney said, "Well, don't throw those away, we can use those on the outside wall!"Turbulent Times
A plane hit a patch of severe turbulence and the passengers were holding on tight as it rocked and reeled through the night. A little old lady turned to a minister who was sitting behind her and said, "You're a man of God. Can't you do something about this?"
He replied, "Sorry, I can't. I'm in sales, not management."
Dave Attell likes it when a woman is on top
I like when a woman is on top. Because, when a woman's on top you know what your job is?
Not to die!
@attell. http://on.cc.com/1BuUmsO
Cured!
Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under ... you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.
Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street.
"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
No one else sees life through your eyes
Don’t let anyone invalidate or minimize how you feel. If you feel something, you feel it and it’s real to you. Nothing anyone says has the power to invalidate that, ever. No one else lives in your body. No one else sees life through your eyes. No one else has lived through your experiences. And so, no one else has the right to dictate or judge how you feel. Your feelings are important and you deserve to be heard. They are inherently valid and they matter. Don’t let anyone make you believe otherwise. A very shy guy goes into a bar...
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at thebar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to herand asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for awhile?"She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep withyou tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinksback to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. Shesmiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm agraduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond toembarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
Please Advise
The School teacher sent home a note with her student.
The note reads, ”Your son is an obedient and bright student, but spends too much time talking to girls.”
Mother sends a note back the following day, ”Please advise a solution. Father has the same problem.'
Imagination
Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel manager’s office.
“What is the meaning of this?” the manager asked. “When you applied for the job, you told us you had 5 years’ experience. Now we discover this is the first job you’ve ever had.”
“Well,” the young man said, “in your ad you said you wanted somebody with imagination.”
