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Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 03 September 2024

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 03 September 2024

Rub It In

I’ve been prescribed anti-gloating cream...
I can’t wait to rub it in!

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 6.71/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (7)

An Englishman, a Scots man, and an Irish man are sentenced to 100...

An Englishman, a Scots man, and an Irish man are sentenced to 100 lashes.

The judge was in a benevolent mood though and offered them each a request that maybe would make it easier on them.

The Scottish man asked for a pillow to be strapped to his back, but it had worn away after 50 lashes and he suffered for the remaining 50.

The Englishman being smart asked for 2 pillows, and he didn't feel any of the lashes on his back.

Before the Irishman was asked, the judge said "I love Ireland, it has given us the greatest music, poets, writers and art - because of this you get 2 requests"

The Irishman thought and said "firstly I'd like 200 lashes, and second of all strap the Englishman to my back"

#joke
Joke | Source: Reddit Jokes: Get Your Funny On! - The funniest sub on reddit. Hundreds of jokes posted each day, and some of them aren't even reposts!
  • Currently 8.60/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (10)

Chuck Norris is currently suin...

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 03 September 2011
  • Currently 3.79/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (61)

Lynne Koplitz: Size Zero Roommate

She actually asked me for four grapes once. She counted grapes. What kind of mental patient counts grapes? Do you know anyone who does that? Thats the weirdest thing. I was like, Four grapes... To me grapes arent even a food. Theyre like a palate cleanser. Thats what I eat to get the Big Mac taste out of my mouth.
#joke #doctor #fruit #grapes #food
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 03 September 2010
  • Currently 4.16/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (44)

Church Bulletin Bloopers: Weddings and Babies

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
The Honeymooners are now having bile studies each Tuesday evening at 7:30 p.m.
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.
Thursday at 5:00 pm, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his private study.
(For the group of ladies called Moms Who Care and pray for the children in school). When their meeting was cancelled one week: "There will be no Moms who care this week."
- Joke shared on Beliefnet's Religious Humor page

#joke #wedding #mother #mom
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 03 September 2009
  • Currently 5.74/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (38)

Drunk test

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that,I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then, we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."

"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."

#joke #policeman #food #sugar
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 03 September 2017
  • Currently 8.06/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (35)

Signs You Have a Han

1. You'd rather have a pencil driven through your retina than be exposed to sunlight.

2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "stay still."

3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint. 4. You're convinced that chirping birds are Satan's pets.

5. You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.

6. You replaced the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.

7. The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, "Step right up and give it whirl!" 8. All day long your motto is, "Never again."

9. You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.

10. Your natural response to "Good morning," is "Shut up!"

#joke #animal #bird #pet
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 03 September 2011
  • Currently 4.14/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (35)

Two Jewish businessmen meet in...

Two Jewish businessmen meet in a restaurant for a lunch suggested by one of them.
The first says, "I have a good deal for you. When I was in Florida, I went to the town where the circus stays during the winter. I happened to pick up an elephant. I could let you have it for a thousand dollars."
The other businessman sipped his martini and said, "What are you, crazy? What am I going to do with an elephant? I live in a condo. I barely have room for my furniture. I can't even squeeze in an end table. So I'm going to buy an elephant?"
The first businessman said, "I could let you have three of them for two grand."
"Oh," said the other, "now you're talking!"
#joke #animal #elephant #food #lunch
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 06 February 2018
  • Currently 5.44/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (9)

Why don't some coup...

“Why don't some couples go to the gym?
- Because some relationships don't work out.”

#joke #short #sport #gym
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 25 November 2016
  • Currently 8.25/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (8)

Don't Step on the Ducks

Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he has ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to the ugly woman!"
The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extemely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first guy.
The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on: a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The guy remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
She says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 27 April 2015
  • Currently 9.17/10

Rating: 9.2/10 (93)

I got a job in the t...

“I got a job in the transmission shop. It's shift work.”

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 17 November 2016
  • Currently 8.08/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (12)

The Usual Question

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, he asked her the usual question, "And what would you like for Christmas?"
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped, "Didn't you get my text?"

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 25 December 2020
  • Currently 9.62/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (13)

I hit a frog, and my car was...

I hit a frog, and my car was toadaled.
#joke #short #animal #frog
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 22 June 2017
  • Currently 6.43/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (14)

Weekly coffee evolution

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday
#joke #short #friday #monday #drinks #coffee
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 18 October 2015
  • Currently 7.44/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (9)

International Guide Dog Day joke

April 26th is International Guide Dog Day! Celebrate it with a joke:

Blind man walks into a store
He grabs his guide dog by the tail and lifts it into the air then spins it around his head.
The store clerk, alarmed by this strange behavior said , "can I help you?"
…. "Nope, I'm just looking around."

#GuideDogDay #InternationalGuideDogDay

#joke #animal #dog
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 26 April 2023
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

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