Jokes of the day for Friday, 01 August 2025

Saving Money

"Hey, cabby! How much to take me to the station?"
"Five bucks, sir."
"And how much for my suitcase?"
"No charge for the suitcase, sir."
"Okay. Take the case and I'll walk."

Go to school!

Mom was trying to get her son to get out of bed and get ready for school. "I am not going to school!" the son responded defiantly.

"Why not?" Mom wanted to know.

"Well, first of all I hate school and second of all ..the kid all hate me!!" was the answer.

"Son, that's not good reasons..you will have to get up and ready for school!" Mom replied.

"Well, give me two good reasons why I should," the son said.

"Well," Mom said quietly, "First of all you are 52 years old and second of all...You are the Principal."

Barfing

George was planning on going out with "The Boys" when his wife told him that he wasn't leaving the house.

George's Wife: "The last time you went out with your friends you got so drunk that you puked on your shirt."

George: "But Honey, I promise that I wont drink a drop of alcohol all night!"

So after begging his old lady for an hour, George got the OK the go out with the guys as long as he stayed off of the booze.

George met up with the guys at a local bar and proceeded to get shit-faced. After about 3 hours of guzzling liquor, George blew chow all over his shirt.

George: "Shit! The old lady is going to throw my ass out of the house for getting drunk and puking on my new shirt!"

Bill, George's best pal, gave drunk ass George an idea of how to keep from getting in trouble with the wife.

Bill: "All you got to do is have a $20 bill in your hand when you walk through the door. Then, when she accuses you of barfing all over yourself, just tell her that some other drunk puked on you and that he gave you 20 bucks to get the shirt cleaned."

So, when drunk ass George walked into the house with money in hand, his wife was waiting for him in the living room.

Georges wife: "I knew that your drunk ass would spew bile and booze all over that new shirt!"

George: "Honey, let me explain! This drunken fool at the bar puked on me and gave me 20 bucks to have it cleaned."

His wife snatched the money out of his hand and observed that he was holding two $20 bills.

George's wife: "Is that so? Then where did the other 20 dollar bill come from?"

George: "Oh, That's from the guy who shit in my pants."

Corn maze for ...

Corn maze for blondes!

Russ Meneve: Unprovoked Shark Attacks

There were 79 unprovoked shark attacks last year. Unprovoked -- do we need that word in there? Are there people provoking shark attacks? Is there some dick from Jersey in the water: Hey shark, you freakin lookin at me? You got a problem or somethin? I got somethin for you to bite right here!

Your lips are so chapped, I ca...

Your lips are so chapped, I can hear you smile.

Real Advertisements 03

Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
We build bodies that last a lifetime.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

A guy fell asleep on the beach...

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, "What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?"
The doctor replied, "It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs."

Home Remedies

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the toothache.
8. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
9. AND..... Sometimes we just need to remember what The Rules of Life really are: You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.
10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
11. And finally... Be really good to your family and friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

A young man proposes marriage...

A young man proposes marriage to his sweetheart. The girl replies, "If I marry you, will you promise to give up smoking?"
"Yes, I will," came the reply.
"And drinking?"
"I will give up drinking as well."
"And going to the club with your cronies?"
"Yes, I will."
"And what else will you give up for my sake?" she asked finally.
"I have already given up the idea of marrying you."

Nut Jokes, to celebrate National Nut Day

National Nut Day is celebrated annually on October 22. Celebrate it with some jokes!

What did one nut say to the nut it was chasing?
"I'm a cashew!"

Why did the nut go to the doctor?
It was feeling a little nutty.

What do you call a nut that sneezes?
A cashew!

How do you make a walnut laugh?
You crack it up!

Why did the peanut get in trouble?
It was acting like a real nutcase.

What did the pecan say to the walnut?
"We're friends because we're both nuts!"

Why are almonds always optimistic?
They always see the glass as half full of nuts.

What is a squirrel's favorite streaming service?
Nut-flix.

Why did the nut go to school?
To become a little smarter.

Why did the squirrel dismantle the clock?
To get to the nuts inside.

What did the nut exclaim when it sneezed?
"Cashew!"

Why did the nut blush?
Because it saw the salad dressing.

Why are nuts so bad at getting along?
They always drive each other nuts.

What do you call a nut in space?
An astro-nut!

Why was the peanut butter upset?
It was feeling a bit salty.

Why did the nut get a job?
It was out of cashew!

What did the nut say when it had a bad day?
"Oh, nuts!"

Why did the walnut win the race?
It was ahead of the pack.

What's a nut's favorite genre of music?
Rock 'n' roll!

Why did the nut go to the bank?
To cashew a check.

What do you call a nut with a hairy lip?
A pistachio!

What do you call a nut in space?
An astronaut!

What's the best way to catch an elephant?
Hide in the grass and pretend to be a peanut.

Where's the best place to find out facts about nuts?
The inter-nut!

What noise did the nut make when it sneezed?
Cashew!

What kind of spread does the Queen like the most?
Peanut butter!

What's the most valuable kind of nut?
A cashew!

What eats nuts and bolts?
A hungry squirrel!

When do peanuts make you feel good?
When they're complimentary!

Which nut wears a bra?
A chestnut!

How do you know if someone's lost their marbles?
They start playing with their nuts instead.

What's the most expensive nut?
An almond leg!

Which nuts are small, brown and hang from branches?
Monkey nuts!

What nuts can you wear on your feet?
Cashews!

Why did the squirrel sit in the same spot all winter?
He'd buried his nuts there.

Which nut cries the most?
An assaulted peanut!

What's the most common name for girl peanuts?
Michelle!

Did you hear the joke about the peanut, pistachio and cashew?
It was nut funny!

What did the nut chasing another nut say?
I'm going to cashew!

Why did the motorist spread peanut butter on the road?
So they'd have something to go with the traffic jam!

It was the annual homecoming d...

It was the annual homecoming dance at the local high school gym. Most of the young folk were out on the dance floor but a few young men and women lined the sides of the gym, hoping for a dance partner to ask them out onto the dance floor.
After waiting anxiously for quite a while, a rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask a pretty junior for a dance at the homecoming.
She gave him the once-over and said, "Sorry, I won't dance with a child."
"Please forgive me," responded the underclassman. "I didn't realize you were pregnant."

The supervisor for the Union O...

The supervisor for the Union Of Road Construction Workers called the meeting to order.
"Men -- we've agreed on a new deal with the state. We'll no longer have to work four days a week!"
"HOORAY!!!" the crowd cheered.
"We'll quit work at 4PM and not 5PM!"
"HOORAY!!!" the crowd roared.
"We don't have to be in until 11AM instead of 10AM!"
"HOORAY!!!" the crowd thundered.
"And now, even though 99% of the roads in the country are blocked by orange barrels, we'll only have to work on Wednesdays!!"
Silence.
A voice from the back of the room asks, "You mean, EVERY Wednesday?"

You have met your New Year's resolution

Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average… which means, you have met your New Year's resolution.

A Faithful Woman

An elderly Muslim lady was well-known for her faith and for her confidence in talking about it. She would stand in front of her house and say "Allah be praised" to all those who passed by.
Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"
Hard times came upon the elderly lady, and she prayed for Allah to send her some assistance. She would pray out loud in her night prayer "Oh Allah! I need food!! I am having a hard time, please Lord, PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!"
One night the atheist happened to hear her as she was praying, and decided to play a prank on her. The next morning the lady went out on her porch and found a large bag of groceries. She raised her hands and shouted, "Allah be praised!."
The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."
The old lady laughed and clapped her hands and said, "ALLAH BE PRAISED. He not only sent me groceries, but he made the devil pay for them!"