Popular jokes (32461 to 32475)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
“My trip to the Grand...
“My trip to the Grand Canyon cost a hole lot of money and gorged my bank account butte it was worth it!”
Holes in pockets
Why did the bald man cut holes in his pockets?So he could run his fingers through his hair.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Working Cards At ATMs
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
One day in line for the automatic teller I overheard:
[Person 1]: Gee, I don't get it..
[Person 2]: What's wrong?
[Person 1]: My card wont work.
[Person 2]: Did anything happen to it?
[Person 1]: I don't think so... It wasn't working very well for a while, so I rubbed the strip on the back with a magnet to recharge it... Now it isn't working at all!
A Darkened Theater
A strained voice called out through the darkened theater, "Please, is there a doctor in the house?!"Several men stood up as the lights came on.
An older lady pulled her daughter to stand next to her, "Good, are any of you doctors single and interested in a date with a nice, Jewish girl?"
When Chuck Norris gives you th...
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.50/50
A young man watched as an elderly couple sat down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered just one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the old gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, etc, until each had exactly half.
Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, but his wife just sat watching him.
The young man felt sorry for them and asked "I'm sorry to intrude, but would you allow me to purchase another meal for your wife so that you don't have to split your food?"
The old gentleman said, "Oh, no, thank you. But you see, we've been married a long time, and everything has always been shared, 50/50."
The young man said, "Wow! That's commendable." He then turned to the wife and asked, "Aren't you going to eat your share?"
The wife replied "Not yet. It's his turn to use the teeth."
Hear that you can place bets i
Hear that you can place bets in Vegas about celebrity pregnancies? Just check the ovary/undies!Q: Why aren't...
Q: Why aren't there any Wal-Marts in Afghanistan?A: Because there's a Target on every corner.
Q: Why was the computer so col...
Q: Why was the computer so cold?A: Because it forgot to shut its window
Differences in how men a...
Differences in how men and women think
DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
40-ish..........................49
Adventurous.................Slept with everyone
Athletic........................Flat chested
Average looking.............Ugly
Beautiful........................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile............Does a lot of pills
Emotionally Secure..........On medication
Feminist..........................Large
Free spirit........................Junkie
Friendship first.................Formerly loose
Fun.................................Annoying
New-Age.........................Body hair in the wrong places
Old-fashioned..................No BJs
Open-minded..................Desperate
Outgoing........................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate.....................Sloppy drunk
Professional...................Bitch
Voluptuous....................Very Large
Large frame.....................Hugely Large
Wants Soul mate.............Stalker
WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = No
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want..
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about
MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay
Things Found Only in America
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we wont miss a call from someone we didnt want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word politics to describe the process so well: Poli in Latin meaning many and tics meaning bloodsucking creatures.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
“When the pharmacist ...
“When the pharmacist found out her husband was having an affair it was a hard pill to swallow.”
Clinton Is Vacationing
Last summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing in their home state of Arkansas. On a venture one day, they stopped at a service station to fill up the car with gas. It seemed that the owner of the station was once Hillary's high school love.
They exchanged hellos, and went on their way.
As they were driving on to their destination, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, "Well, honey, if you had stayed with him, you would be the wife of a service station owner today."
She smirked and replied, "No, if I had stayed with him, he would be President of the United States."
During a bank heist the Chief ...
During a bank heist the Chief told the Sgt. to cover all exits so the robbers could not get away. Later the Sgt. reports to the chief. “Sorry sir but they got away.”The chief very disappointed says, “I told you to cover all Exist.”
"I did” replied the Sgt. but they got away through the Entrance"
