The best jokes (17206 to 17220)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 17206 to 17220. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
Answering Machine Message 86
Welcome to the Afterlife Voice Mail System. If you are trying to reach Heaven, please press 1. For Valhalla, press 2. For Hades, press 3. If you are trying to reach Nirvana, you're going about it all wrong, so we certainly can't help you. If you'd just like to leave a message for Sean, wait for the beep.
Nude beach
A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's vagina.The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital.
After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps.
He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp.
The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion. "if neither of you objects," the doctor said, "I could give it a try."
Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman.
The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrust continued for several long minutes. "Hey, What the hell is happening?"
"Change of plans," The physician panted. " I'm going to drown the little bastard!."
Two Indians were riding across...
Two Indians were riding across the plains on their ponies. They pulled to a stop to check if they were being followed. The first one climbs down off of his pony and puts his ear to the ground.The second one asks the first one what he hears.
The first one says "buffalo come."
The second one says "I see nothing moving for miles, how do you know this?"
The first one replies, putting his hand to his cheek: "face all sticky"
Wedding speech
My nephew was getting married to a doctor's daughter.
At the wedding reception, the father of the bride stood to read his toast, which he had scribbled on a piece of scrap paper. Several times during his speech, he halted, overcome with what I assumed was a moment of deep emotion.
But after a particularly long pause, he explained, “I'm sorry. I can't seem to make out what I've written down.”
Looking out into the audience, he asked, “Is there a pharmacist in the house?”
Special childrens rate...
A little child was in church for the first time and watched as the ushers passed the offering plates.
When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster said in a little voice loud enough for everyone to hear:
"Don't pay for me, Daddy. I'm under five."
A man was in a hurry to meet h...
A man was in a hurry to meet his friend down at the nearby lake.On the way down there, he was stopped by a man fully dressed in red. The man pulled over, and the red man asked, "Hi, I'm the red jerk of the highway. Have anything to eat?" The man smiled and handed him a sandwich.
He continued down the highway and was yet, again, pulled over by a man fully dressed in green. He stopped and the guy in green said, "Hi, I'm the green jerk of the highway. Have anything to drink?" Without smiling, the man handed the green guy his coke.
He started off again and started to speed down the highway. Yet again, he was stopped by a guy fully dressed in blue. Sighing, he pulled over and pulled down his window, leaned out and said, "Let me guess. You're the blue jerk of the highway. What do you want?"
"Registration and license please" came the reply.
A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:
"Where will you spend eternity: Smoking or Non-Smoking?"
Chuck Norris can lick his elbo...
Chuck Norris can lick his elbow.Really funny jokes-The voice
gets to the office everyone is talking about a huge accident that occurred on his normal route to work.
Three days later he's grilling burgers in his backyard and the voice tells him: "Go inside and watch television." He does and through the window outside he watches a huge
oak tree fall and crush the grill where he was just standing.
When the voice tells him to sell everything he owns and move to Vegas, he sells everything he owns and moves to Vegas. The voice tells him to pay $10,000 to enter the World
Series of Poker Main Event, which he does.
He's dealt two red aces and the voice tells him to go all-in. He shoves all-in and five different players call. The flop is Jack of clubs, 10 of clubs, 9 of clubs...
"Oh sh*t..." the voice says.
Grandpa, Did God Make You?
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather’s lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, “Grandpa, did God make you?”
“Yes, sweetheart,” he answered. “God made me a long time ago.”
“Oh,” she paused. “Grandpa, did God make me too?”
“Yes, indeed, honey,” he said. “God made you just a little while ago.”
Feeling their respective faces again, the little girl observed, “God’s getting better at it, isn’t He?”
This joke was reprinted from "The Book of Catholic Jokes" by Deacon Tom Sheridan, with permission of ACTA Publications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.
Clean jokes-Long distance
Laurel: Why was the crow perched on a telephone wire?Hardy: To take a nap?
Laurel: No, to make a long-distance caw.
Really funny jokes-Efficiency consultant
# All 12 violins played the same notes. This is unnecessary duplication. Their number should be reduced.
# For a considerable period of time, above players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced and their work spread evenly among other staff.
# No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that was already handled by the strings. If such redundancies were eliminated, the concert could be cut 20 minutes.
# The symphony has two movements. Mr. Schubert should have been able to achieve his musical goals in one.
Conclusion: If Mr. Schubert had paid attention to these matters, he would have had time to finish the symphony.
Raining in New York
A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a cab in New York City.It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings.
“Mom,” said the boy, “what are all those women doing?”
“They're waiting for their husbands to get off work,” she replied.
The cabbie turns around and says, “Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money.”
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, “Is that true, Mom?”
His mother, glaring hard at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.
After a few minutes, the kid asks, “Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?”
“Most of them become cab drivers,” she said.
