Jokes of the day for Saturday, 22 December 2012
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 22 December 2012 |
Really funny jokes-Best memory
The father points to the native American and says, "son, native Americans have the best memory of any peoples in the world."
The young son thinks he's quite the smart one and goes up to the native American and says, "What did you have for breakfast last Tuesday."
Without hesitation the Native American responds, "eggs." The son is impressed and goes on with the hike with his father.
30 years later the son is now a grown man, and is hiking the same trail with his own son. He goes around the same bends, over the same hills, and lo and behold, rounds the corner and there is that same native American on the same rock.
He's an older wiser man now, and will really test this native American. He walks up, raises his hand in greeting and says "HOW"
Native American responds, "Scrambled."
Charlie took his girl friend t...
Charlie took his girl friend to her first football game. They had really good seats, right above their team's dugout. At the end of the game, Charlie asked her if she liked it. "Yeah, it was great," she said. "I mean, with all the tight pants and stuff. I just don't get why all the fuss about a quarter!" Charlie is confused. "At the beginning of the game," she explained, "I saw the two guys flip a quarter. Then the rest of the game, all they said was: Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback! Hello! It's only 25 cents!"Friendly Americans!
When young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his first trip to Yankee Stadium, there were no tickets left for sale.
Touched by his disappointment, a friendly ticket salesman found him a perch near the American flag. Later, Jose wrote home enthusiastically about his experience. "And the Americans, they are so friendly!" he concluded. "Before the game started, they all stood up and looked at me and sang, .... 'Jose, can you see?'"
Dust
A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer."Dear Lord," he began with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look
on his upturned face.
"Without you we are but dust..."
He would have continued but at that moment a very obedient daughter (who was
listening intently for a change) leaned over to her mother and asked quite
audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, what is butt dust?"
Christmas Cop
On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback sits at a traffic light next to a kid on a shiny new bike.
The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid says, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year, tell Santa to put a tail light on that bike."
The cop then issues the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the d**k underneath the horse, instead of on top."
Post Office
A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."
Three men walked in to a bar. ...
Three men walked in to a bar. You'd think one of them would have seen it!LIE DETECTOR ROBOT
Dad buys a LIE DETECTOR ROBOT which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner.”Son, where were you today?” The son says “at school dad.” Robot slaps the son! “OK, I watched a DVD at my friends house!” “What DVD?” “Toy story.” Robot slaps the son again! “OK, it was a %&%*o”Dad yells “What! When I was your age I didn't know what %&%* was!” Robot then slaps the dad!Mom laughs “HAHAHA! He's certainly YOUR son.” Robot then slaps the mom….Chuck Norris doesn't kill two ...
Chuck Norris doesn't kill two birds with one stone, he kills two stones with one bird.A man was walking down the bea...
A man was walking down the beach when he noticed a cave. He walked in and looked around only to discover a magic lamp buried in the sand. He rubbed it and a genie came out and said, " You may have 3 wishes but whatever u wish for all the lawyers in the world will get double." The man agreed and said, " i want a million dollers." He got that and the lawyers got 2 million.
Next he said, " i want a ferrari." So he got one and all the lawyers got 2. Next, being his last wish, he took a minute and thought about it carefully.
Finnally he said," Well i've allways wanted to give a kidney."
A college student picked up hi...
A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant. To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu. Appetizers, lobster, champagne. . .the works. Finally he asked her, "Does your Mother feed you like this at home?"
"No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to get laid, either."
A little girl is sitting on he...
A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled. Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?" "He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa.
"Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl.
"Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa.
"Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?"
A Moral Question
One man said to another, "I didn't sleep with my wife before I got married. How about you?"
The man replied, "I don't know. What was her maiden name?"
It's great to be a guy
Reasons why it's great to be a guy
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
Monday Night Football.
Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
You can open all your own jars.
Old friends don't annoy you if you've lost or gained weight.
Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
Your last name stays put.
You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
You can kill your own food.
The garage is all yours.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
You never have to clean the toilet.
You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
The National College Cheerleading Championship
None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
Flowers fix everything.
You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't care if someone notices your new haircut.
You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking: He must be mad at me.
You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
You get to jump up and slap stuff.
One mood, all the time.
You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
Same work....more pay.
Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
You don't mooch off others' desserts.
The remote is yours and yours alone.
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
ESPN's sports center.
You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed.
Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything different?"
Baywatch
There is always a game on somewhere.