Jokes of the day for Monday, 19 June 2023
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 19 June 2023 |
Scared Dad
Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat.
The first kid says, "My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed."
The second kid replies,"Yeah? Well, that's nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with the lady next door."
Fresh short jokes and puns
I suffer from kleptomania.
But when it gets really bad, I take something for it.
What did the duck say after she bought ChapStick?
Put it on my bill!
I’ve been bored recently, so I decided to take up fencing.
The neighbors keep demanding that I put it back.
RIP boiled water
you will be mist
What do Broad Street sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing.
They fast!
Why did the pony get sent to his room?
He wouldn’t stop horsing around!
What did one plate say to the other?
Dinner is on me!
What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school?
"Bison!"
Can February March?
No, but April May.
I’m writing a book about glue.
I’m stuck on the first chapter.
I’m so good at sleeping,
I can do it with my eyes closed.
Why are spiders so smart?
They can find everything on the web.
Knock, knock. Who’s there?
Theodore.
Theodore who?
Theodore wasn’t opened so I knocked!
Dad jokes to use for Father's Day, or after if you forgot
Too late for this year, but it is good to know you can give the gift of dad jokes next Father's Day. Here are just a few.
This girl asked me why I had an unlit cigarette in my tinder photo.
Well I told her that I’m looking for a match.
Math? I can tolerate algebra and calculus ...
but geometry is where I draw the line.
What kind of music do chiropractors like?
Hip pop.
I like telling Dad jokes …
sometimes he laughs.
Sundays are always a little sad,
but the day before is a sadder day.
What kind of dog does a magician have?
A Labracadabrador!
What did the mama cow say to the calf?
It’s pasture bedtime!
What do you call an illegally parked frog in Philly?
Toad!
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with shellfish?
An oyster bunny!
Answers on a postcard please!
Be thankful it's not snowing...
Imagine shovelling snow in this heat!
I Got Arrested
I got arrested today for walking out of an art museum with a painting.
I’m just so confused because earlier when I asked the security if I could take a picture, they said “yes.”
One of Life's Lessons
While preaching about forgiving ones enemies, the preacher asked for a show of hands of those who were willing to forgive their enemies. About half of the congregation raised their hands. The minister continued his lection and again asked for a show of hands. This time, 80 percent of his congregation raised their hands. Not giving up, the minister continued for fifteen more minutes. When he again asked for a show of hands, all members—except one—raised their hands."Mr. Jones,” asked the minster, “are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”"I don't have any.”Mr. Jones, that is very unusual. I know you are 86-years-old. Would you please come down to the front and explain to all of us how you have lived so long without making a single enemy in the world?”Mr. Jones teetered to the front and briefly explained, “Its easy. Ive outlived every one of them.” If you love something....
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.
But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize you set it free...
You either married it or gave birth to it.
He who lives by the sword, die...
He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick.Send me your ...
The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she’d send her husband a text while she was out having coffee with a friend. She texted:
If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you.
The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:
I’m on the toilet.
Please advise.
Death In The Family
One day, a blonde's neighbor goes over to her house, sees the blonde crying, and asks her what happened. The blonde said that her mother had passed away.
The neighbor made her some coffee and calmed her down a little and then left.
The next day the neighbor went back over to the house and found the blonde crying again.
She asked her why she was crying this time.
The blonde said, "I just got off of the phone with my sister. Her mother died too!"
A Heavenly Welcome
A contractor dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.
Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you."
Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the contractor sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive.""Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!" The contractor is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty."
"That's simply impossible son," says Saint Peter. "We've added up your time sheets."
The Hard Worker
Boss: "Working hard here, Jimmy?"
Jimmy: "Ever since I heard you coming down the stairs, boss!"
identification
A woman went into a bank to get a check cashed, but she didn't have an account with them. When the teller her asked for some identification, the woman showed her several charge cards, her social security card and a library card. The teller told her they needed a driver's license, but the woman said she didn't have one.
"Don't you have anything with your picture on it?" the teller asked.
"Oh, sure," she said, as she flipped to a family photo in her wallet. "That's me in the back row."
A big city lawyer went duck hu...
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Wairarapa. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in New Zealand and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Wairarapa. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
