Jokes of the day for Sunday, 31 December 2023
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 31 December 2023 |
DNA Test Results
Son: “Dad, did you get the results of the DNA test back?”
Dad: “Call me George.”
Church Bulletin Bloopers: Prayers and Illnesses
Due to the rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes. On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: God Is Good--Dr. Hargreaves is better. This Sunday morning following services we will have our monthly feelowship. Said during a congregational prayer when leading prayer for unsaved loved ones: “Father, we just want to pray for our unloved saved ones.”Lift up our Messianic brothers and sisters in Israel who are suffering during our prayer time. “I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, even though he diets, yet shall be live.” On a church postcard: “I have received Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. I would like a personal call.”Church sign: “Jesus Saves!” Safeway sign across the street: “Safeway saves you more!” -A Push Please
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock at the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3:30 in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.
Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing on the porch. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost! It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the front door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
And the drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."
Playing doctor...
After discovering her young daughter playing doctor with the neighbor's boy, the angry mother grabbed the boy by the ear and dragged him to his house and confronted his mother.
"It's only natural for young boys and girls to explore their sexuality by playing doctor at their age." the neighbor said.
"Forget sexuality!" The mother yelled. "He took out her appendix!"
A frog walks into a bank. He g...
A frog walks into a bank. He goes to the only open teller, and sees that her name is Paddy Whack. "Hey, listen" says the frog. "I really need a loan! I'm out of work, and my wife and tadpoles are at home starving! I need money so I can feed them and provide for them!" Now Paddy feels very sorry for the poor frog and asks him if he has any collateral. He holds up a small glass elephant. Paddy is a little surprised by this, and quite unsure, but she feels so sorry for the the poor frog that she takes the elephant to her manager. "Mr. Manager, sir," Paddy begins "there is a frog out there who deperately needs a loan. He's out of work and he has a wife and tadpoles who are at home starving. He needs some money so he can provide for them! But all he has for collateral is this little glass elephant. What should I do?"
Well, Mr. Manager takes a good hard look at that elephant, thinks about it a little, and then replies, "It's a knick-knack, Paddy Whack, give the frog a loan!"
Chuck Norris destroyed the per...
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.Problem With Women
"Doc," said the young man lying down on the couch, "You've got to help me! Every night I have the same horrible dream. I'm lying in bed when all of a sudden five women rush in and start tearing off my clothes."The psychiatrist nodded, "And what do you do?"
"I push them away!"
"I see. And what can I do to help you with this?"
The patient implored, "Please--break my arms!"
Three Guys In A Bar...
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your grandma's the best sex in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your grandma, and it was suh-weeeet!" Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "And your grandma liked it!!"
Finally the guy interrupts ..."Go home, Grandpa, you're drunk."
During a recent password audit...
During a recent password audit, our I.T. discovered a blonde was using the following password:MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento
When they asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
A Silent Bomb in Church
An elderly couple were in church. The wife leaned over and whispered to her husband, "I just let out a long silent fart... what should I do?"The husband replied, "Replace the batteries in your hearing aid."- International Joke Day Jokes - Why did the chicken cross the road
International Joke Day falls at the halfway point in the year on July 1st
Find some classic "Why did the chicken cross the road" jokes
Also, be sure to check more International Joke Day Jokes to share!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have its vengeance.
Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To knock knock on the door, walk into the bar, and change the lightbulb.
Why did the chicken stop crossing the road?
It got tired of everyone making so many jokes!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, let the chicken mind its own business.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because this is AMERICA! It can go anywhere it wants.
Why did the chicken cross the road to KFC?
To visit his family.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because she saw what you did to her eggs.
Why did Chicken Little cross the road?
To warn the people on the other side that the sky was falling.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house. Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!
What caused the chicken to cross the road and enter the circus?
To learn how to juggle.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because chickens are really, really dumb.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free range.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t a chicken!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Just beak-cause he could.
Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch her legs.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To find a world where no one would question his intention of crossing the road.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because America’s aging infrastructure doesn’t adequately provide footbridges or pedestrian underpasses.
Why did the monkey carry the chicken across the road?
So that somebody could tell this joke.
Why did the chicken run across the road?
To get to the other side faster.
What do you call a chicken crossing the road?
Poultry in motion.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It wanted to know what all the jokes were about.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because he was social distancing.
Why couldn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because he was chicken.
Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because it got run over halfway.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from Colonel Sanders.
Why did the momma chicken cross the road?
To get to the chick-fil-a.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
Why did the clown cross the road?
To retrieve his rubber chicken.
Why did the baby chick cross the road?
Because it was “take your child to work day.”
17 Kangaroo jokes to celebrate Hug an Australian Day
What do stylish kangaroos wear?
Jumpsuits
What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo?
“Hop on!”
What animal jumps when it walks and sits when it stands?
A kangaroo
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite candy?
Lollihops
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo and a sheep?
A woolly good jumper
What kind of music do kangaroos listen to?
Hip-hop
What kind of music do sophisticated kangaroos listen to?
Hopera
What do drunk kangaroos play?
Hopscotch
What do you call two kangaroos who live together?
Roo-mates
Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days?
Because then the kids have to play indoors
What do you get when you mix an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia
A spider, a snake, and a kangaroo walk into a bar...
It’s a normal day in Australia
A kangaroo is hopping around Australia
Whenever she stops, a little penguin pokes his head out of her pouch
In Antarctica, a little kangaroo is sitting with some penguins, sneezing and grumbling, “Stupid student exchange program
” A kangaroo, a dolphin, and a snake walk into a bar...
That’s all
It’s funny since none of them actually walk
Kangaroo: [dials 9-1-1] I can’t find my kids! 9-1-1: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: [pats pouch] Oh...
nevermind
Ethical Problem
An attorney had just finished a consultation with an elderly, nearly blind widow, for which he charged her $100. The widow opened her purse and removed a $100 bill. When the lawyer accepted it, he noticed there was another 100 stuck to it. Immediately the lawyers keen legal mind realized he was faced with a vital ethical question:
Should he tell his partner?
Why do vegetarians have no sen
Why do vegetarians have no sense of humour?Because they are irony deficient!
