Jokes of the day for Sunday, 30 March 2025

Beautiful Daughter

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!"
As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed.
He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?"

The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!"  

Cargo Space

Dad is down at the auto dealership, looking at potential choices.
“Cargo space?” he asks.
The salesman, slightly confused, finally replies, “Car no do that... car go road.”

Nuns on the highway...

A cop pulls over a car load of nuns....

Cop: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?"

Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65."

Cop: "Oh sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!"

Sister: "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful."

At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.

Cop: "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible."

Sister: "Oh, we just got off of highway 119."

Now Don't Get Nervous

Patient 1: 'Why did you run away from the operation table?'
Patient 2: 'The nurse was repeatedly saying 'don't get nervous', 'don't be afraid', 'be strong', 'this is a small operation only', things like that.'
Patient 1: 'So what was wrong in that? Why were you so afraid?'
Patient 2: 'She was talking to the surgeon!'

A man was telling his neighbor...

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."

Do You Reject the Devil?

A priest came to a dying author to read him his last rites.
"Do you reject the devil?" asked the priest.
"This is no time to be making enemies," replied the author.

Bill Gates died in a car accid...

Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God...

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world, and yet you created that ghastly Windows. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"

Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"

God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?"

God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you."

Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell.

It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature was perfect.

Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God.

"If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"

"Fine," said God and off they went. Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think I prefer Hell," he told God."

"Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell.

When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.

Bill responded - his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

God says, "That was just the screen saver."

What kind of car was he driving?

A man was annoyed when his wife told him that a car had backed into her, damaging a fender, and that she hadn’t gotten the license number. “What kind of car was he driving?” the husband asked.

“I don’t know,” she said. “I never can tell one car from another.”

At that, the man decided the time had come for a learning course, and for the next few days, whenever they were driving, he made her name each car they passed until he was satisfied that she could recognize every make.

It worked.

About a week later she bounded in with a pleased expression on her face. “Darling,” she said. “I hit a Buick!”

Goddess of wisdom

Is the goddess of wisdom against all we stand for?
Yes, she’s an athena.

Johnny Depp jokes

June the 9th is Johnny Depp’s Birthday!
Wish him happy birthday with these jokes.

Did Johnny Depp just win the defamation case
or was it…
misheard​​?

Amber Heard's net worth is $2.5 million and she now has to pay Johnny Depp $15 million...
Yeah, she's forever going to be in Depp​​.

What did Johnny Depp's bed say when Amber Heard walked in?
You've got to be shitting me​.

Why don't you ever see a group of Johnny Depp fans?
They don't like Heards​.

Johnny Depp's the one guy ...
that could have used an Amber alert​​.

Why did Johnny Depp skip getting a booster shot?
Because he now has "Heard immunity"​.

What is Johnny Depp’s go-to workout video?
Pilates of the Caribbean

Did you know

Did you know there's an app on your phone that makes you look ugly? It's called “camera”.

A drunk at the bar

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he could not be served additional liquor. The bartender offers to call a cab for him.

The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down from the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and - still politely if not more firmly - refuses service to the man and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is drunk and will be served no drinks. He then tells him that he can either call a cab or the police immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish cries, "Man! How many bars do you work at?"

Gin Jokes - to celebrate World Gin Day

Second Saturday in June is World Gin Day. Celebrate it with short jokes

They say gin can damage your short-term memory.
If that's the case, just imagine what gin can do.

I love water -
especially when it's frozen in cubes and surrounded by gin.

An Oxford comma walks into a bar -
and orders a gin, and tonic.

I tried to say no to gin -
but it's 42.5% stronger than me

A true friend reaches for your hand …
and puts a glass of gin in it.

Charles Dickens: A martini please.
Bartender: Olive or twist?

A gorilla goes up to a bar and asks for a gin and tonic.
The bartender makes the G&T and says: "That'll be £20 - and I must say we don't get many gorillas in here."
The gorilla replies: "With prices like that, I'm not surprised."

Woman: I love you.
Man: Is that you or the gin talking?
Woman: It's me talking to the gin.

Don't cry over spilt milk:
it could have been gin.

My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin.
Then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass

"Trust me you can dance."
- Gin

PLEASE DRINK GIN RESPONSIBLY.
Don't spill it.

Neutron: How much is a G&T?
Bartender: For you - no charge.

I'm on a gin and tonic diet:
I lost three days last week.

Long lines everywhere

There was a guy in high school that landed a date with the hottest girl in class for the prom.
First, he went to pick out a suit, and had to wait in a huge line.
Then he went and picked out flowers, and waited in a huge line.
Even when he called around for limo's, he had to wait in hold lines for all of them.
Getting ready for after the prom, there was even a long line at the pharmacy.
Finally the big night arrives and he takes his dance to the prom. When they get there, he asks his date if she wants him to get drink and she says yes.
Much to his surprise, there was no punch line.

14 Cat jokes

What's a cat's favorite book?
The Great Cats-by.

What's a cat's favorite day of the week?
Cat-urday.

Why did the cats ask for a piano?
They wanted to make mew-sic.

What’s a cat’s favorite cereal?
Mice crispies.

What’s a cat’s favorite TV show?
Claw and Order.

If your cat was an artist, what would they paint?
Paw-traits.

What's a cat’s favorite color?
Purr-ple.

If cats taught school, what would they be called?
Purr-fessors.

What's a cat's favorite food?
Paw-sta.

What do you call a cat who loves to bowl?
An alley cat.

How did the lazy kittens work on their school project?
They put in the bare mew-nimum.

What's every kitten’s favorite movie?
The Little Purr-maid.

What's a cat’s favorite dessert?
Chocolate mouse.

Why don’t cats like online shopping?
They prefer cat-alogues.