Sport jokes (16 to 30)Jokes about sports. These are the jokes listed 16 to 30. |
Three men are talking about their skydiving experiences...
Three men are talking about their skydiving experiences at a bar and how their parachute failed until the last possible moments.The first man starts describing his story, “well i jumped from 5,000ft and was supposed to pull my parachute at 2,500ft but when I did, nothing happened. I tried again and again, at 2,000ft still nothing, 1,500ft approached and still nothing! Finally, at 1000ft my parachute opened and i landed safely, only slightly injuring my ankle”.
The second man responds, “Pffft! That’s nothing! When I went sky diving, I jumped from 7,000ft and was supposed to pull my parachute at 3,000ft. As 3,000ft approaches, nothing happened, 2,500ft approaches, still nothing. 2000ft comes and passes, 1500ft comes and passes and still nothing. 1,000ft passes, i'm pulling hard and still nothing. At 700ft, finally, the parachute opens and I land safely with only a twisted ankle and bruised shoulder”.
By now the three men have gathered a crowd and the third man scoffs, “You all got off easy, When I went skydiving I jumped from 10,000ft!! At 3,000ft I pulled my parachute and nothing happened. I kept tugging at it harder and harder and at 2,000 ft it opened but was tangled so i had to cut it and tug on my emergency parachute. But that one wouldn’t open either! 1500ft pass, 1000ft pass, 700ft pass and at 400ft my parachute finally opens. I land and break both my legs but with a story to tell”.
The crowd, gasps and whispers hearing the eventful incidents of the three men before a man from the crowd come is, “All your stories are futile! When I went skydiving i jumped from 15,000ft! 15 bloody thousand feet. I pulled on the rope to release my parachute at 3,000ft and nothing, I kept tugging and nothing happened, 2,000ft passed, 1500ft passes, 1000ft passes, 700ft passed, 400ft passes, 200ft passes, 100ft passed and still nothing! The bloody parachute wouldn't come out no matter how hard i pulled! 50ft passed and so did 20ft. I was falling fast, past 10 ft and reached 5ft!"
At this stage one of the people gasps from the crowd, "and what happened next??".
The man replies, "well 5ft isn't too high up so i just jumped down"
Guy dies and finds himself standing in front of Satan...
Guy dies and finds himself standing in front of Satan.He says, "Oh no, am I..."
Satan says, "Yes, you are. But it's not as bad as you think. Let me give you the tour."
Guy looks around and sees that they are in a grassy field with rolling hills, chirping birds, bunny rabbits hopping around, for as far as the eye can see.
They start walking. Satan points to the right and says, "Over there is the sports center. There are three arenas, an Olympic sized pool, tennis courts, an 18 hole PGA approved golf course, and more. You can watch or participate in any one, any time you want."
Satan continues. "On the left is the theater district. Every movie and and Broadway show ever produced can be enjoyed there 24 hours a day."
Then he points ahead. "The marina is down there, where any sized craft from a dinghy to an aircraft carrier, fully crewed, is available for you."
As they proceed, they pass a fenced off area filled with molten lava all the way to the horizon. In it are hundreds of millions of people, drowning and screaming in agony.
Guy says, "See, now that's what I expected Hell to be like."
Satan replies, "Nah, we just keep that for the Christians. They seem to like it for some reason."
Short jokes to start weekend with laughs
My fiancé and I wanted to get married at the public library.
But they told us it was all booked up!
I hate it when people get simple sayings wrong.
I mean it's not rocket surgery!
My son picked his nose and wiped it on me.
He said it was funny. I told him it was snot.
I tried to order some tennis balls online but the site keeps crashing…
I guess the server must be down!
My wife told our son not to play with electricity.
Now he’s grounded.
Friday Funnies: 11 Jokes to Start Your Weekend Right
Did you know that the Icelandic alphabet does not contain the letter Z…How do they sleep at night?
I was surprised to learn I weigh zero milligrams.
I was like 0mg!
I was annoyed when my wife gave me a coffin for my birthday.
I said, “this is the last thing that I need.“
Went to the beach and fed the birds cannabis laced cake. They seemed to like it…
I left no tern unstoned!
A spider asked a human, "Why are you afraid of me?"
Human: "Well, all the reasons I had have been replaced by the fact that you can talk."
Just saw three people jogging outside my window, and it inspired me...
To get up and close the curtains. That's enough interaction with people today!
If I had to rate our solar system
I'd give it one star
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life. ..
Push and Pull!
Me: "Dad, do you know where I can get a Greek sandwich?"
Dad: "I don't know. Let me look through my gyroscope."
I have a lot of respect for giraffes.
They're an animal you can really look up to.
The boss looks over the gentleman's resume and says "Wow, I'm impressed.
It seems like you've got everything needed for the job.
But there's a 4 year gap in here.
What happened there?"
The gentleman responds
"Oh, that's when I went to Yale."
The boss is now super impressed and hires the man on the spot
. The man immediately calls his wife
. "Hey honey, I got the yob!"
28 Morbidly Amusing Dark Humor Jokes to Tickle Your Macabre Side
If you find these jokes funny, something is probably wrong with you!
I was digging in the garden and happened to find a chest with a lot of gold coins.
I wanted to run home to tell my wife about it.
Then I remembered why I was digging in the garden.
What's yellow and can't swim?
A bus full of children.
The doctor gave me one month to live, so I shot him with my gun.
The judge gave me 15 years.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter what you call him, anyway he won't come.
Cremation is my final hope for a smoking-hot body.
What's the last thing in a fly's head as it hits the windshield of a car going 100 mph?
It's behind.
What's worse than biting an apple and then discovering a worm?
Biting the apple, then discovering half a worm.
When ordering dinner at a restaurant, I asked the waiter how they prepared their chicken.
He explained.
"We just tell them they're going to die."
An apple a day keeps the doctor away only if you throw it hard enough.
Why can't orphans play baseball?
They don't know where their home is.
Welcome back to Plastic Surgery Anonymous.
It's nice to see new faces here today!
Why can't you have a book on how to commit suicide in a library?
Because you wouldn't return it back.
What makes sad people jump?
Bridges.
I don't have any carbon footprint.
I drive everywhere.
I wished to die, but then I got a job.
Now I want to pass out.
What do you call a bacterial disease that is caused by two grizzlies?
Twobearculosis.
My doctor told me to stop eating red meat,
so now I dye it orange.
Why are overweight babysitters an awful idea?
The babies always get crushed when they sit on them.
How do you stop a baby from choking?
Let go of his neck.
When I see the lovers' names written on a tree, I don't find it romantic or cute.
I find it weird how people would take knives on their dates.
I was shocked when I found out my toaster was not waterproof.
A dark joke is like food,
which many people don't get.
If you think I am joking about Alzheimer's,
forget it.
Where did Lucy go during the bombing?
Everywhere.
It's important to have a perfect vocabulary.
If I had known to distinguish between anecdote and antidote, one of my good friends would still be alive.
You're not useless.
You can always be used as a bad example.
I have jokes about unemployed people,
but sadly, none work.
What did the frog say at his puppeteer's funeral?
Not a word.
Six Quick Jokes to Kickstart Your Week with a Smile
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
I already have like 50 wooden balls already.
I can't believe I forgot to go to the gym yesterday.
That's 8 years in a row now.
Wife: "I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it!"
Husband: [peeing on jellyfish] "This is for stinging my wife."
I hate it when my wife gets mad at me for being lazy.
It’s not like I did anything!
I have a contact lens problem.
I have no contact lens solution.
My wife rang me at the pub and said, “If you’re not home in 10 minutes, I’m giving the dinner I cooked you to the dog.”
I was home in 5 minutes.
I’d hate for anything to happen to the dog.
24 Leap Day Jokes - Make Every February 29th memorable
Trying to figure out why 2024 will be longer than 2023…
But so far, nothing leaps to mind.
What’s a great thing about leap-year jokes?
That you only hear them repeated every 4 years.
If a leap year has 366 days, what do you call a year with 365 days?
A light year.
Why did the man get arrested on Leap Day?
Because he was doing 29 in a 28 zone.
What do you call a frog born on February 29?
A leap frog
What do Lawyers do on leap day?
They jump to conclusions
How do you know it’s almost Leap Day?
When it is only a hop, skip and a jump away.
What do athletes wear during a Leap Year?
Jumpsuits.
What do kids play during a Leap Year?
Hop-scotch.
What do you call a surgery during a Leap Year?
A hop-eration.
Birthdays are good for your health.
Studies have shown that people with more birthdays live longer.
RIP people born on the 29th of February.
October 31st should be a leap year.
One day you’re having a good time with Halloween. Then it’s 3 years of being ghosted.
Today is a leap day.
Guess you should jump with joy.
Yo mama so old, she even lived through the first leap year.
Are you gonna buy into an annual subscription of any kind?
Do it on February 29, you might get it free for the next four years based on poor code!
Happy 2025 to all.
Remember we must skip 2024 — it’s a leap year.
What kind of music do you listen to on Leap Day?
Hip Hop
How did the leap year party go?
It was jumping all night long!
Why did the calendar feel unbalanced during leap years?
Because it had an extra day to juggle!
Why don't lions like Leap Day?
Because they are always jumping through hoops.
What does a captain do on Leap Day?
Jump ship.
I'm going to get married on February 29th, so I only have to remember our anniversary once every 4 years.
Why was February so popular with the other months?
Because it brought an extra day of fun to the party!
Why don’t we ever plan important events on February 29th?
Because it’s too risky to take a leap of faith!
7 short Jokes for the Weekend's Approach
What do clouds wear underneath their pants?
Thunderwear.
What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.
He says “Doc I have been having really strange dreams for the last month”. Doc asks “Ok. What are the dreams?”. Bloke says “It’s like there is a football World Cup going on. Every night I see a football match but with donkeys! It’s driving me crazy! That’s all I think about all day”.
Doc smiles, thinks for a while, and says “Ok. Here is a prescription. Take 2 pills tonight before sleeping and you won’t have any of those dreams any longer.”
Bloke thanks the doctor profusely, gets up and walks to the door. He pauses, turns around and asks the doc “Doc if it is ok, can I start the medicine from tomorrow night?”. Doc looks puzzled and asks him “Why? Why not tonight?”. Bloke looks down and whispers “Tonight is the final”.
What’s your net worth?
However many fish it catches that day!
Before going away the neighbours gave me a spare key to feed their cat.
Poor thing choked to death on it.
I told my neighbours they could eat whatever they wanted when they housesat for me.
Damn, I miss that goldfish.
Did you hear about the bartender that pushed his wife off a cliff? He made a Bloody Mary on the rocks.
The Diving Board
A man was on the very top diving board of a swimming pool.
He was poised, he lifted his arms, and was about to dive in when the attendant came running up, shouting, “Don’t dive, there’s no water in that pool!”
“That’s all right!” said the man. “I can’t swim!”
Winter Wit: Midweek Laughs to Warm You Up for Friday Fun with 31 jokes
Which one is faster: hot or cold?
Hot. You can catch a cold.
Why is the slippery ice like music?
If you don't C sharp - you'll B flat!
What's an ig?
A snow house without a loo!
What do you call a snowman with abs?
An abdominal snowman.
How does a snowman get to work?
By icicle
What did the wool hat say to the scarf?
You hang around while I go on ahead.
What do snowmen win at the Olympics?
Cold medals!
How do polar bears make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
What do you call a snowman’s dog?
A slush puppy!
"Knock, knock!" "Who's there?" "Freeze." "Freeze who?"
"Freeze a jolly good fellow, freeze a jolly good fellow..."
"Knock, knock!" "Who's there?" "Icy." "Icy who?”
"Icy a long cold winter coming!"
"Knock, knock!" "Who's there?" "Snow." "Snow who?"
"Snowbody home."
What kind of math does a Snowy Owls like?
Owlgebra.
What did the ocean say to the bergy bits?
Nothing. It just waved.
(That's an old joke from the Ice Age.)
What sits on the bottom of the cold Arctic Ocean and shakes?
A nervous wreck.
Tip 1:
No matter how cold you are, DO NOT attempt to build a fire in a kayak! You can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Tip 2:
Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the birds have flown south for the winter.
What food do you get when you cross a snowman with a wolf?
A brrrr-grrr.
What did the icy road say to the car?
“Want to go for a spin?”
Did you hear about the man buried alive under a sudden snowstorm?
He was feeling under the weather.
Why is Frosty never late?
Time waits for snow man.
What’s the scariest part of owing Santa money?
He snows where you live.
Where’s the warmest place in the South Pole?
On a map.
How did the snow globe feel after listening to a scary story?
A bit shaken up!
What do you call a snowman that plays piano?
Meltin’ John.
What do you call a snowman without a carrot?
Nobody nose.
I warned him about starting his own ski resort.
It’s a slippery slope
Who delivers the Christmas presents to baby sharks?
Santa Jaws
It was so cold outside that I saw a Greyhound bus, and the dog was riding on the inside.
Why is it hard to ski after a fresh snow?
With great powder comes great responsibility.
Did you hear about the politicians whose best speeches were outdoors in the winter?
He could really turn a freeze.
62 corny jokes to get you through Monday
- Do you have a Band-Aid? I have hurt myself while falling for you.
- You better direct that beauty elsewhere because you drive me up the wall.
- Girl, you're so stunning. I just forgot my pickup line.
- Your dad must be Liam Neeson because I'm Taken with you.
- If grapes make your skin beautiful, your home must be in a vineyard.
- How well did the phone propose to its girlfriend? He gave her a ring.
- You're like dandruff because I can't get you off my mind no matter how hard I try.
- Girl, do you know you're like asthma because you take my breath away?
- I am Microsoft. Can I crash at your place today?
- What do runners eat before a race? Nothing, they fast.
- I know what you did last summer. Do you want to do the same during the winter?
- Hey honey, do you want to hear a joke about construction? Never mind, I'm still working on it.
- What did that little boat tell the yacht? Hey, can I interest you in a row-mance?
- What did the guy with the broken leg say to the nurse? I have a clutch on you.
- What do you call two birds that are in love? Tweet hearts.
- What do you call a person with a rubber toe? Roberto.
- Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
- Why should you not fall in love with a pastry chef? He will desert you.
- What name is given to a factory that only markets passable products? A satisfactory.
- What does a ghost call his friend? My ghoul friend.
- Knock knock? Who is there? Paul. Paul, who? I'm Paul, in love with you.
- Are you casting for Wonder Woman? Because I have the perfect role.
- Are you feeling guilty about global warming? Because your hotness is melting the world.
- Will you kiss me, or should I lie to my diary?
- Hey girl, is that an earthquake, or have you just shaken my world?
- It seems I am addicted to yes and am allergic to no. So what's it going to be?
- Do you believe in love on first sight, or should I pass by you again?
- I may not be a professional, but we would look cute together in a photo.
- Girl, I need CPR after seeing your face.
- My job is secure. No one else needs it.
- It would be best to never break up with a goalie because he's the keeper.
- Do you have a date for Valentine's Day? Yes, it is on the 14th.
- What happened when two lovely vampires went on their first date? It was love at first bite.
- Why should you not marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.
- What is the difference between marriage and love? Love is blind, while marriage is an eye-opener.
- My girlfriend works at the zoo. She is a keeper.
- I said I love you so much. I can't live without you. My girlfriend asked me, "Is it you talking or the beer?" I innocently answered her, "I was talking to the beer."
- Love is like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and you wondered about Y?
- Do you know love is telling someone to go to hell and worrying about them reaching their safe?
- Please don't laugh at your girlfriend's choices because you're one of them.
- I love to tell my girlfriend, the house boss, by holding the mirror before her face.
- I said to my girlfriend she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
- What did the cat say to her girlfriend? You're perfect for me.
- What do you call two cupids who are in love? A match made in heaven.
- What did one watermelon tell the other watermelon? You're the only one in melons.
- Why did the man accuse his wife of robbery? She stole his heart.
- Who has a date on Valentine's Day? The calendar.
- When you fall in love with a chef, you get buttered up.
- The hopeless romantic baker told his dough, I knead you.
- The tightrope walker found love through online dating.
- Is it hot in here, or are you busy raising the temperature?
- Girl, give me back my heart because it seems you stole it when I first set my eyes on you.
- Why did the skeleton go to the party alone? He had nobody to go with.
- What did the shark tell the other while eating clownfish? Wow, this tastes funny.
- Girl, what do you call a magician dog? Labracadabrador.
- What do you call a pony with a cough? A little hoarse.
- I saw two zombies on a date, and they said romance is dead.
- The lion broke up with his girlfriend since she was a cheetah.
- Your name must be WiFi because I am feeling a strong connection.
- Babe, you turn my floppy disk into a hard drive.
- What do you say to your single friends on Valentine's Day? Happy independence day.
- I told my boyfriend to text me when he reached home. He must be homeless.
