Sport jokes (31 to 45)

7 short Jokes for the Weekend's Approach

What do clouds wear underneath their pants?
Thunderwear.

What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.

He says “Doc I have been having really strange dreams for the last month”. Doc asks “Ok. What are the dreams?”. Bloke says “It’s like there is a football World Cup going on. Every night I see a football match but with donkeys! It’s driving me crazy! That’s all I think about all day”.
Doc smiles, thinks for a while, and says “Ok. Here is a prescription. Take 2 pills tonight before sleeping and you won’t have any of those dreams any longer.”
Bloke thanks the doctor profusely, gets up and walks to the door. He pauses, turns around and asks the doc “Doc if it is ok, can I start the medicine from tomorrow night?”. Doc looks puzzled and asks him “Why? Why not tonight?”. Bloke looks down and whispers “Tonight is the final”.

What’s your net worth?
However many fish it catches that day!

Before going away the neighbours gave me a spare key to feed their cat.
Poor thing choked to death on it.

I told my neighbours they could eat whatever they wanted when they housesat for me.
Damn, I miss that goldfish.

Did you hear about the bartender that pushed his wife off a cliff? He made a Bloody Mary on the rocks.

The Diving Board

A man was on the very top diving board of a swimming pool.
He was poised, he lifted his arms, and was about to dive in when the attendant came running up, shouting, “Don’t dive, there’s no water in that pool!”
“That’s all right!” said the man. “I can’t swim!”

Winter Wit: Midweek Laughs to Warm You Up for Friday Fun with 31 jokes

Which one is faster: hot or cold?
Hot. You can catch a cold.

Why is the slippery ice like music?
If you don't C sharp - you'll B flat!

What's an ig?
A snow house without a loo!

What do you call a snowman with abs?
An abdominal snowman.

How does a snowman get to work?
By icicle

What did the wool hat say to the scarf?
You hang around while I go on ahead.

What do snowmen win at the Olympics?
Cold medals!

How do polar bears make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.

What do you call a snowman’s dog?
A slush puppy!

"Knock, knock!" "Who's there?" "Freeze." "Freeze who?"
"Freeze a jolly good fellow, freeze a jolly good fellow..."

"Knock, knock!" "Who's there?" "Icy." "Icy who?”
"Icy a long cold winter coming!"

"Knock, knock!" "Who's there?" "Snow." "Snow who?"
"Snowbody home."

What kind of math does a Snowy Owls like?
Owlgebra.

What did the ocean say to the bergy bits?
Nothing. It just waved.
(That's an old joke from the Ice Age.)

What sits on the bottom of the cold Arctic Ocean and shakes?
A nervous wreck.

Tip 1:
No matter how cold you are, DO NOT attempt to build a fire in a kayak! You can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Tip 2:
Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the birds have flown south for the winter.

What food do you get when you cross a snowman with a wolf?
A brrrr-grrr.

What did the icy road say to the car?
“Want to go for a spin?”

Did you hear about the man buried alive under a sudden snowstorm?
He was feeling under the weather.

Why is Frosty never late?
Time waits for snow man.

What’s the scariest part of owing Santa money?
He snows where you live.

Where’s the warmest place in the South Pole?
On a map.

How did the snow globe feel after listening to a scary story?
A bit shaken up!

What do you call a snowman that plays piano?
Meltin’ John.

What do you call a snowman without a carrot?
Nobody nose.

I warned him about starting his own ski resort.
It’s a slippery slope

Who delivers the Christmas presents to baby sharks?
Santa Jaws

It was so cold outside that I saw a Greyhound bus, and the dog was riding on the inside.

Why is it hard to ski after a fresh snow?
With great powder comes great responsibility.

Did you hear about the politicians whose best speeches were outdoors in the winter?
He could really turn a freeze.

62 corny jokes to get you through Monday

• Do you have a Band-Aid? I have hurt myself while falling for you.
• You better direct that beauty elsewhere because you drive me up the wall.
• Girl, you're so stunning. I just forgot my pickup line.
• Your dad must be Liam Neeson because I'm Taken with you.
• If grapes make your skin beautiful, your home must be in a vineyard.
• How well did the phone propose to its girlfriend? He gave her a ring.
• You're like dandruff because I can't get you off my mind no matter how hard I try.
• Girl, do you know you're like asthma because you take my breath away?
• I am Microsoft. Can I crash at your place today?
• What do runners eat before a race? Nothing, they fast.
• I know what you did last summer. Do you want to do the same during the winter?
• Hey honey, do you want to hear a joke about construction? Never mind, I'm still working on it.
• What did that little boat tell the yacht? Hey, can I interest you in a row-mance?
• What did the guy with the broken leg say to the nurse? I have a clutch on you.
• What do you call two birds that are in love? Tweet hearts.
• What do you call a person with a rubber toe? Roberto.
• Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
• Why should you not fall in love with a pastry chef? He will desert you.
• What name is given to a factory that only markets passable products? A satisfactory.
• What does a ghost call his friend? My ghoul friend.
• Knock knock? Who is there? Paul. Paul, who? I'm Paul, in love with you.
• Are you casting for Wonder Woman? Because I have the perfect role.
• Are you feeling guilty about global warming? Because your hotness is melting the world.
• Will you kiss me, or should I lie to my diary?
• Hey girl, is that an earthquake, or have you just shaken my world?
• It seems I am addicted to yes and am allergic to no. So what's it going to be?
• Do you believe in love on first sight, or should I pass by you again?
• I may not be a professional, but we would look cute together in a photo.
• Girl, I need CPR after seeing your face.
• My job is secure. No one else needs it.
• It would be best to never break up with a goalie because he's the keeper.
• Do you have a date for Valentine's Day? Yes, it is on the 14th.
• What happened when two lovely vampires went on their first date? It was love at first bite.
• Why should you not marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.
• What is the difference between marriage and love? Love is blind, while marriage is an eye-opener.
• My girlfriend works at the zoo. She is a keeper.
• I said I love you so much. I can't live without you. My girlfriend asked me, "Is it you talking or the beer?" I innocently answered her, "I was talking to the beer."
• Love is like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and you wondered about Y?
• Do you know love is telling someone to go to hell and worrying about them reaching their safe?
• Please don't laugh at your girlfriend's choices because you're one of them.
• I love to tell my girlfriend, the house boss, by holding the mirror before her face.
• I said to my girlfriend she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
• What did the cat say to her girlfriend? You're perfect for me.
• What do you call two cupids who are in love? A match made in heaven.
• What did one watermelon tell the other watermelon? You're the only one in melons.
• Why did the man accuse his wife of robbery? She stole his heart.
• Who has a date on Valentine's Day? The calendar.
• When you fall in love with a chef, you get buttered up.
• The hopeless romantic baker told his dough, I knead you.
• The tightrope walker found love through online dating.
• Is it hot in here, or are you busy raising the temperature?
• Girl, give me back my heart because it seems you stole it when I first set my eyes on you.
• Why did the skeleton go to the party alone? He had nobody to go with.
• What did the shark tell the other while eating clownfish? Wow, this tastes funny.
• Girl, what do you call a magician dog? Labracadabrador.
• What do you call a pony with a cough? A little hoarse.
• I saw two zombies on a date, and they said romance is dead.
• The lion broke up with his girlfriend since she was a cheetah.
• Your name must be WiFi because I am feeling a strong connection.
• Babe, you turn my floppy disk into a hard drive.
• What do you say to your single friends on Valentine's Day? Happy independence day.
• I told my boyfriend to text me when he reached home. He must be homeless.

Hunting jokes

Two hunters are lost in the woods.
After wandering around for a couple hours they decide to weigh their options, one says:
"I heard if you shoot in the air someone will hear and come to your rescue".
So they fire a few times in the air and wait, nothing happens so they try again a couple more times, after a few hours of this they're starting to get worried
and one says: "I hope we get help soon",
To which the other responds, "I know right, I am almost out of arrows"!

*************

"If you're planning to go to the forest, always remember to pack a radio, a flare and a pack of cards.
If you get lost, you can try to use the radio to call someone.
If you run out of batteries, you can shot the flare up into the air...
The cards? Well, if the radio doesn't work and the flare gets wet, you sit down and play solitary.
Sooner than later
someone will tap you in the shoulder to ask you
why don't you move the queen of hearts to the king of clubs"

*************

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.
He's not breathing and his eyes are glazed, so his friend calls 911.
"My friend is dead! What should I do?"
The operator replies, "Calm down, sir.
I can help.
First make sure that he's dead."
There's a silence, then a loud bang.
Back on the phone, the guy says,
"OK, now what?"

*************

Two inexperienced hunters are out in the woods, and after a while they come upon some tracks.
"These are bear tracks!" the first hunter exclaims.
"No, idiot, they're deer tracks!" the second one retorts.
"No, moron ..."
And they go on like this for hours, until a train hits them.

31 Dad Jokes to Start the Week with a Smile on Your Face

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I’ll let you know…

Is there anything worse than when it’s raining cats and dogs?
Yes! Hailing taxis.

I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes.
Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.

I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus,
but geometry is where I draw the line.

If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It’s OK, he woke up.

My manager told me to have a good day.
So I didn’t go into work.

Whoever stole my depression medication —
I hope you’re happy now.

I lost my job at the bank on my first day.
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Why did the drum go to bed?
It was beat.

What do you call a rude cow?
Beef jerky.

How does a penguin build his house?
Igloos it together.

Which bear is the most condescending?
A pan-duh!

Where do you learn to make ice cream?
Sundae school.

I’m afraid for the calendar.
Its days are numbered.

Have you ever had a bad sausage?
It’s the wurst.

What do you call a fish wearing a bow tie?
Sofishticated.

I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda.
It was more of a Fanta sea.

My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape.
That would be a big step forward.

I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it will get a reaction.

I could tell a joke about pizza, but it’s a little cheesy.

I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.

What’s the best kind of bird to work for at a construction company?
A crane.

I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.

I only know 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don’t know y.

I used to be a personal trainer.
Then I gave my too weak notice.

What’s the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament?
Live stream.

What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school?
“Bison!”

What kind of music do chiropractors like?
Hip pop.

Two guys walked into a bar.
The third guy ducked.

It’s inappropriate to make a dad joke if you’re not a dad.
It’s a faux pa.

7 jokes to start your day and exercise abs with laughter

I asked the chef at the seafood restaurant why octopus was off the menu.
He said, "It takes 4 hours to cook."
"Really?" I asked.
The chef replied, "Yes, it keeps turning the gas off!"

I got arrested for doing 1000 sit-ups in my own house!
They charged me with domestic ab use

People always ask why I tuck a pen in my shoe
I reply "in case I need to make footnotes!"

My hands got all cut up and bloody handling a piece of cheese
I’ll never buy sharp cheddar again

Which superhero is not allowed near children?
The flash

Which superhero can’t you trust with your valuables?
The man of steal.

I’m an electrician Most people are really shocked
when they learn I’m not that great at it

53 classic hilarious short jokes

I waited and stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was.
Then it dawned on me.

I told my friend 10 jokes to get him to laugh.
No pun in 10 did.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

I’ve decided to sell my Hoover –
it was just collecting dust.

Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?
He was just going through a stage.

What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.

My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo.
So I had to put my foot down.

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That’s just how I roll.

A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police.
He’s now a seasoned veteran.

I bought my friend an elephant for his room.
He said “Thanks!” I said “Don’t mention it.”

Why do we tell actors to ‘break a leg?’
Because every play has a cast.

I hate Russian dolls…
so full of themselves!

My friend says to me: “What rhymes with orange?”
I said: “No it doesn’t!”

Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar.
“We don’t serve your type!” shouts the barman.

I’m addicted to brake fluid, but
I can stop whenever I want.

What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?
A labracadabrador.

I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road.
I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”

How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.

Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks over at the other and says:
“Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?”

I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday.
Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.

Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles.
For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.

This is my step ladder.
I never knew my real ladder.

This is your captain speaking,
AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING.

My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep.
I said “40”.

Hear about the new restaurant called ‘Karma’?
There’s no menu, you only get what you deserve.

I’ve found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.
It’s shift work.

What’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke
timing.

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?
He needed a little space.

What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old?
“Aye matey.”

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows?
They’re making headlines.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

Two whales walk into a bar. The first one says, “Weeoouhh.”
The next whale says, “Shut up, Steve. You’re drunk.”

Why did the chicken go to the séance?
To get to the other side.

What’s E.T. short for?
He’s only got little legs.

Where are average things manufactured?
The satisfactory.

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one.
He’s never gonna give you Up.

My granddad has the heart of a lion and
a lifetime ban from London Zoo.

I went on a once in a lifetime holiday.
Never again.

What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

It takes a lot of balls to golf like me.

What does a nosy pepper do?
Gets jalapeño business!

There’s no “I” in Denial.

Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?
They always take things literally.

Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the telly.

A man tells his doctor, “Help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”
The doctor replies, “Sorry, I’m not following you.”

Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.

What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddly-squats.

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line.

I used to be addicted to soap, but
I’m clean now.

What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.

I was wondering, why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets? Then it hit me.

Skinny Dippers

Ron, an elderly man in Australia, had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond at the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up Ron said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Halloween, Thanksgiving and other Fall Jokes for kids

Halloween Jokes
1. Why did the cows turn into werewolves?
- It was a full moooooon.

2. Where do ghosts go on vacation?
- The boo-hamas.

3. What kind of monster loves disco?
- The boogieman.

4. How do you know a vampire has a cold?
- He starts coffin.

5. What do you call a werewolf with a fever?
- A hot dog.

6. Why are ghosts so bad at lying?
- You can see right through them.
Find more about Haloween on Haloween Jokes

Halloween Knock-Knock Jokes
1. Knock, knock.
- Who’s there?
- Jack.
- Jack who?
- Jack o’lantern.

2. Knock, knock.
- Who’s there?
- Ivan.
- Ivan who?
- Ivan to suck your blood.

3. Knock, knock.
- Who’s there?
- Witches.
- Witches who?
- Witches the best way out of this neighborhood?
Knock-Knock and other Haloween Jokes can be found on page Haloween Jokes

Pumpkin Jokes
1. How did the little pumpkins cross the road?
- With the help of a crossing gourd.

2. How do you fix a broken pumpkin?
- With a pumpkin patch.

3. How does the pumpkin listen to music?
- On vine-yl.

4. What do you call a pumpkin that works at the beach?
- A life gourd.

5. Where do pumpkins hold business meetings?
- In the gourd-room.

6. What happens if you eat too much pumpkin pie?
- You get autumn-y ache.
Pumpkins are importan part of many Haloween Jokes

Fall Jokes
1. What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit?
- Straw-berries.

2. What did the scarecrow say when he lost all his stuffing?
- That was the last straw!

3. What is the cutest of seasons?
- Awww-tumn.

4. What do you get when you drop a pumpkin?
- Squash.

5. Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?
- To make up for his miserable summer.

6. Why are dads so good at fall puns?
- Because they’re so corny.

Thanksgiving Knock-Knock Jokes
1. Knock, knock.
- Who’s there?
- Annie.
- Annie who?
- Annie-body want some pie?

2. Knock, knock.
- Who’s there?
- Arthur.
- Arthur who?
- Arthur any leftovers?

3. Knock, knock.
- Who’s there?
- Pie.
- Pie who?
- Pie love you.

Knock-Knock and other Thanksgiving jokes on Thanksgiving Jokes

Thanksgiving Jokes
1. Why did the gravy get sent to bed early?
- For acting saucy at the table.

2. Why did the turkey get ejected from the basketball game?
- He committed a fowl.

3. Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving band perform?
- Somebody ate the drumsticks.

4. What do sweet potatoes wear to bed?
- Yammies.

5. What’s the key to a great Thanksgiving?
- The tur-key.

6. What is the most mythical vegetable?
- A uni-corn.

Find more jokes about Thanksgiving on Thanksgiving Jokes

Apple Jokes
1. Why did the apple stop in the middle of the road?
- It ran out of juice.

2. Why did the apple pie cross the road?
- It saw a fork up ahead.

3. Why did the apple join the circus?
- He loved the apple-ause.

4. Why did the apple pie cry?
- Its peelings were hurt.

5. What did the apple tree say to the hungry caterpillar?
- “Leaf me alone!”

6. Why is it hard to work at the apple pie factory?
- They have such a high turnover rate.

World Animal Day Jokes

On 4th October let's celebrate World Animal Day with a few chuckles:

What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!

Did you hear about the crazy Aussie scientist who decided to crossbreed a porcupine with a sheep?
He made an animal that is able to knit its own sweaters.

A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood.
The nurse asked the rabbit "what is your blood type?"
The rabbit replied "I'm probably a type-o".

Did you hear about the crazy Aussie scientist who decided to crossbreed a porcupine with a sheep?
He made an animal that is able to knit its own sweaters.

I returned my lizard to the pet store today as it wouldn't stop telling me jokes.
The store clerk said "that isn't a lizard, it is a stand up chameleon."

What happened to the frog's motorcar when the engine blew up?
It was eventually toad away.

Q: What did the goose say when he purchased a new lipstick?
A: "Put it on my bill please."

Q: Is a kangaroo able to jump higher than the Eiffel tower?
A: Of course. The Eiffel tower can't jump.

You are able to tell the gender of an ant just by placing them in water.
If they sink, girl ant. If the float, buoyant.

Q: Why didn't the leopard enjoy playing hide and seek?
A: Because he was spotted all the time.

Q: Why do chicken coops only have 2 doors?
A: Because if they had 4 doors then they would be chicken sedans!

Two men are touring through a game park when they eventually come across a lion that has not eaten for many days. The lion starts hunting the two men. One of them starts to tire and decides to say a prayer, "Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord." He sees the lion on its knees and hears it saying a prayer: "Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive."

I have just started a dating website for chickens.
It is not my normal job, I am just doing it..... To make hens meet

I have the heart of a lion, I also have a lifetime ban from the San Diego zoo.

Worcestershire sauce incident joke

A truck brimming with Worcestershire sauce meanders through the quaint Welsh town of Llanfairpwllgwyngyll, Anglesey, en route to Rhosllannerchrugog in Wrexham. Unexpectedly, it collides with a Nissan Qashqai.

Veering uncontrollably, the truck subsequently smashes into a car from Llanfihangel Tre’r Beirdd, injuring two otorhinolaryngologists inside. As one, already grappling with Schistosomiasis, succumbs to a myocardial infarction, an bystander, dialing emergency services on his Huawei, hastily reports the chaotic scene. The dispatcher inquires, "Can you tell me what happened?"

He responds, "It's hard to say."

33 Jokes for Teens Guaranteed to Make Them Smile

Q: Why do teenage girls travel in odd numbers?
A: Because they can't even.

Q: Why can't a T-Rex clap their hands?
A: Because they're extinct.

Q: What do you call a belt with a watch on it?
A: A waist of time.

Q: What is the wake-up time for ducks?
A: The quack of dawn.

Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: Look for the fresh prints.

Q: What do you get when you mix sulfur, tungsten, and silver?
A: SWAG.

Q: What do you call high school kids who haven’t been able to go to school because of COVID-19?
A: Quaranteens.

Q: How do you drown a hipster?
A: In the mainstream.

Q: What do you call hiking U.S. college students?
A: The walking debt.

Q: What kind of tea is hard to swallow?
A: Reali-tea.

Q: Why did the math book bummed?
A: It had a lot of problems.

Q: Why did God supposedly make men before He made women?
A: Because everyone needs a rough draft.

Q: How do you communicate with a fish?
A: Drop it a line.

Q: Why shouldn’t you worry about passing math?
A: Because it's easy as pi.

Q: Why do pimples make horrible prisoners?
A: Because they keep breaking out.

Q: What do you call a grizzly with bad teeth?
A: A gummy bear.

Q: How do you know when you’re desperate for an answer?
A: You look at the second page of Google search results.

Q: What do computers snack on?
A: Microchips.

Q: What is a teenager who never grows called?
A: Constantine.

Q: Why does ice cream get invited to every party?
A: It's cool and sweet.

Q: What did the grape say when it was pinched?
A: Nothing, it just started to wine.

Q: How are parties organized at NASA?
A: They planet.

Q: What's the most hardworking part of the eye?
A: The pupil.

Q: How does the moon cut its hair?
A: It e-clips it.

Q: What do you call a Minecraft meetup IRL?
A: A block party.

Q: Why can't you trust an atom?
A: Because they make up everything.

Q: What do you call a belt with a watch on it?
A: A waist of time.

Q: What has four wheels and flies?
A: A garbage truck!

Q: What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?
A: Finding half a worm in your apple.

Q: Why are spiders such know-it-alls?
A: They’re always on the web.

Q: Why are eggs bad at telling jokes?
A: They always crack each other up.

Q: What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
A: Don't know, don't care.

Q: What do you call hiking U.S. college students?
A: The walking debt.

Say What

When my 14-year-old son, Patrick, stepped up to the plate during a Colt League baseball game, the young announcer declared, "Now batting, the right fielder, number 12, Pathogen!"
After some confusion in the stands, the announcer came back on over the loudspeaker. "Sorry folks, that's PAT Hogan!"

My athl