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Jokes of the day for Saturday, 28 September 2019

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 28 September 2019

The Big Apple

We all know where the Big Apple is...
But does anyone know where the 'Minne-apol-is'?

#joke #short #fruit #apple
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

Mailman's last day on the job

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

#joke #fruit #orange #blueberry #food #breakfast #ham #egg #drinks #coffee #juice #sport #fishing
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 8.55/10

Rating: 8.5/10 (22)

Give up my job as a plumber

“I had to give up my job as a plumber. It was just too draining.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 4.33/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (12)

 Knock Knock Collection 163


Knock Knock
Who's there?
Shelby!
Shelby who?
Shelby comin' round the mountain when she comes..!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Shelly Cohn!
Shelly Cohn who?
Shelly Cohn carne!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Sherbert!
Sherbert who?
Sherbert forest is where Robin Hood lived!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Sherry!
Sherry who?
Sherry your lunch and I'll be your best friend!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Sherry!
Sherry who?
Sherry dance?

#joke #food #lunch
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 27 July 2019
  • Currently 2.38/10

Rating: 2.4/10 (16)

1. Is it good if a vacuum rea

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game"when we are already there?
10. Why are they called " stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote controlwhen you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway ?I dunno, why do we?
#joke #christmas
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 10 October 2017
  • Currently 7.61/10

Rating: 7.6/10 (36)

Then and Now concerns for people of the baby boom generation

Then: Long hair.
Now: Longing for hair.

Then: Keg
Now: EKG.

Then: Acid rock
Now: Acid reflux.

Then: Moving to California because it's cool.
Now: Moving to California because it's hot.

Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids.

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.

Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
Now: Our president's struggle with fidelity.

Then: The Grateful Dead.
Now: Dr. Kevorkian.

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
Now: Getting a new hip joint.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 03 October 2016
  • Currently 8.25/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (8)

One wish

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish. A wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing,' and how I can make a woman truly happy."

After a few minutes, God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 28 September 2015
  • Currently 8.37/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (75)

Douche

Have you heard about the new types of douche on the market?

There is aloe vera scented, peach flavor, and chicken flavor.

The aloe vera is to tighten it up for the penis.

The peach is sweeter for the eater.

And the chicken is finger lickin' good.

Submitted by Curtis

Editted by Tantilazing

Reniewed by Calamjo

#joke #animal #chicken #fruit #peach
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 28 September 2011
  • Currently 2.53/10

Rating: 2.5/10 (58)

Chuck Norris' first job was as...

Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 28 September 2011
  • Currently 3.13/10

Rating: 3.1/10 (55)

Jordan Rubin: New Cell Phone

You ever get a new cell phone and youre too lazy to transfer all the numbers over, so you just stop being friends with a bunch of people?
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 28 September 2011
  • Currently 5.20/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (44)

Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a...

Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room. Bill said to Jim and Scott, let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way. At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories. "I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 28 September 2010
  • Currently 6.07/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (44)

Joan & Bob had been married 50 yrs when...

Joan & Bob had been married 50 yrs when she suggested they take a cruise. "We could go for a week & make wild love like when we were young." He eagerly agreed, went to the pharmacy & bought a bottle of seasick pills & a tube of lubricant. Joan: "The kids are on their own, why not go for a month?" Bob went back & bought 4 bottles of seasick pills & 4 tubes of lubricant. Joan said, "It's our 50th! Let's cruise around the world!" Bob went back & bought bags of seasick pills & lubricant. Pharmacist finally asked, "If it makes you that sick, why do you do it?”
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 29 October 2017
  • Currently 5.90/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (10)

The Iowa Wage and Hour Departm...

The Iowa Wage and Hour Department claimed a man owning a small farm was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well, there are my hired hands. One has been with me for four years; the other for three. I pay them each $600 a week, plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a month plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit that works here about 18 hours a day. He takes home $10 a week and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every week," replied the farmer.
"That's the guy I want to talk to; the half-wit," said the agent.
The farmer said, "That would be me."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 06 November 2015
  • Currently 8.44/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (9)

Can You Hear Him?

On his first day back to work after the birth of his son, Randy's supervisor said, "I understand you have a new youngster at your house?"
Randy glanced around apprehensively, "For heaven's sake, you can't hear him all the way out here, can you?"

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 7.20/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (5)

The Laws Of Golf


LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.
#joke #drinks #juice #sport #football #golf #golfer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 17 July 2011
  • Currently 3.53/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (45)

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